Oct. 3, 2011

Well honey another day, it's been one week now since we laid you to rest. Have I rested? think of you too much, Lisa got med for me from Dr. Dumas, yes I have been taking it, surprised? By the way Dr. Dumas called me Thurs or Fri to ask how I am doing, thought that was nice of him. OUR children wanted me to take the med so I'm wanting them not to worry about their mom, especially since they just laid you to rest. I'm making it moment by moment.I'll always love you and I miss you so very much.......oh, Tot bought me a small car(Honda)today. Just thought I'd let you know.

Oct. 15, 2011

Ben, here I am to send you my daily "living without Ben" Left the house, I am at Lisa's. I walked around the stores with Lisa and Ashley, they shopped.This evening I went with Lisa to a wedding. I will get up tomorrow and drive to church. I am glad I went out, but nothing changes, I still miss you so much, at home away from home, anywhere and everywhere I miss you. I am going to try and sleep now. I love you. How do one learn to live alone after so many years with the same person?

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I kind of forgot how to get the blog up and I didn't save. I miss you so much Honey, I feel like I need you here, then I remember how the last couple of years were for you and I know that what we would talk about would only break your heart. I have learned to cope alone. Sometimes I will "break forth" to one of the kids, but I don't want to hurt them so I try to move along.           I fell going down the stairs hurt both feet/ankles but am trying to get back to normal. I stayed at Lisa's for 2 months, am back home now. Being the trouble with feet I haven't even been to the cemetery for too long.          Ben it has been almost 4 years now since you left me and yet my heart still breaks, it hurts remembering even these days, as I remember those last days we had together. I didn't want you gone ever, but God knows best and HE showed you light your last day.           Remembering all the days we had together are sweet. Thinking of the days since you left are very painful, yet I know the days of happiness we had together has to somehow out weigh the pain of loss I suffer from losing you. Thank you for being the kind of man you were. You won stars every day for the kind of person (husband, father, friend, child of God you were) from me. I have no problem remembering that "sailor boy" I met those years ago. I have no problem remembering the person, how you looked, in 1950 when I became your wife. I can still see how you looked at the first glimpse of your 4 children, of the night you went to an altar to pray, even how you looked at your mothers funeral, at the news of my mothers death, at funerals of friends and family. How you looked when Lisa and Debbie set up so I could see you, as we talked on the phone, after my bout of sickness when I was doing therapy to learn again to walk.             So much to say to you, for my good I do this, just as I go to cemetery and talk to you....I am doing for me, sharing my thoughts with you in writing this blog. Sorry didn't get them all posted, my loss............I miss you much still and I will always love you.............BILL-EE

I haven't written anything in over 2 months. It wasn't done because I didn't have something to say, I can always think of something I would like to say to you. I go to cemetery and say plenty, only God hears, the wind takes it along as it travels.            I have made it past the 3 year mark without you, have had many heart breaks along the way. With God's help I have continued to remind myself that life does go on, and God is still God.          Today heard the heartbreaking news that Quinton Essary died, from cancer. Bill Skinner, our good friend and neighbor, is battling brain cancer. I could not begin to tell of the pitiful sight our country is in. Nor the heartbreak of our youngest. Since I can't think of anything good except that we have 16 greats now, all beautiful. I will say I love you and miss you as always............,.BILL-EE

It is August 1st, I tried several weeks ago to bring this blog up because I wanted to write again on it. For some reason I could never get the laptop to come on. Anyway, I decided to try again and here I am. Just been thinking how I feel like at times that you are still sitting here in your chair; how I wish. I still stop at the cemetery often, sometimes I talk to you, sometimes I talk to God, but always I am missing you so much.           My days are usually about the same, sometimes I do very little, some days I don't quit, then I get very worn out. I can remember how you would say okay you need to stop now and rest awhile. Always thoughtful of me, especially the year after I had pneumonia.        I try to walk up and dowm the stairs without holding to the rails, that isn't going too well. Boy Debbie gave me a "what to" about that, just as you would have.       I miss you so much, times I need to have someone around just to talk to, but I know God is always there. Honey, knowing you as I did, I can imagine what you would say to me about everything I would like to talk about; but oh, how I would cherish even those things I didn't like for you to say.            I have made it for a little over 34 months now. I wonder if the heart ever really understands. I know that people doesn't. So much to tell you, but it would take too long, so for now I will say again I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

Today is June 25, 2014, 33 months ago I waited for the time to go to viewing. It seems like so long ago, yet it seems like only yesterday or even today. Makes me wonder when if ever the hole that is left in my heart will heal.           There is no way to describe what one feels, when they lose the mate of a lifetime. It is always memories there, some of the last years with you, the blindness, dependence, always needing someone near to help you walk, etc. Knowing the person you were, I knew all this made you feel too helpless, which did not help your case. That alone interfered with your health. I can only repeat over again that I miss you and I love you........BILL-EE

Today is June 1st, 2014. I am almost ready for church. Debbie is here, she is going with me today.   Most of the day yesterday, we met Lisa and Ashley, had lunch and then started the hard  work of shopping. I am finally going to California, getting to visit the Butlers'. I told them when you first left me that I would visit. Finally, all these months later I am going. I am excited, but thinking about you, as always. Justy wanted to say I love you Ben, and oh, how I miss you.............BILL-EE

Here it is, 5/18/2014. All day I have thought about you, Ben. I have remembered that 32 months ago on Sunday, Sep 18, 2011 was your last time in church. You always enjoyed going to church. After church on we went out to eat with the Honea's and several others Soon after you finished eating you were definitely ready to go home, you really didn't feel good that day. We soon got up to go, Bro Honea was driving us. He helped you into the house and you lay down for a nap. That was not a good week for us. We were not expecting you to leave us before that week was over. Ben, I still miss you. Sometimes it seems  as fresh as yesterday, your leaving. I am still hanging in there, as always.             I feel like the hole in my heart hasn't healed at all. I have written in this blog several times, but nothing is being shown in 2014. Anyway I am trying again. I love you and miss you so much.................BILL-EE

Here it is, another year about gone. I miss you as always; I try to stay busy but that doesn't keep me from thinking of you and missing you, Ben Miller. I have made it for twenty seven  months as of 12/23. I've got past two Thanksgivings, two Christmas' and about to be, as of tomorrow, 12/31 will be two year endings. I wonder sometimes will there ever be a time that I won't miss you?           Duane has been sick for a week now, we spent Christmas alone ate left overs. If something doesn't change we will have a New Year, just the two of us. I hope he is alot better tomorrow.           I still stop by the cemetery quite often. I go there for me, I do know that you aren't there. You are singing and shouting in a place of Paradise.           Finally got all the decoration down, even got the kitchen floor mopped today. My vacumn cleaner is broken I may try to get another small one for upstairs. I hate lugging a vacumn up and down the stairs.         As I already said I miss you so much, how I would love to be able to tell you all that has happened in the past twenty seven months. Oh, yes I do still look to the hills from whence comes my help, thankful I know I can do that. Thankful I know you prayed for me to be able to do that when you left me.         I love you.............BILL-EE

What is this? Last month I could not get into this blog, though I did try. Neither computer would let me in, so weird.          Ben Miller, you left me 26 months ago. It was about this time 12:35 p.m. Oh, how I have missed you all these months, I keep smiling and keep being thankful for the days God has granted to me. This is what you would have me do, knowing who you were.           I have needed to have you here so badly, needed someone to talk to. You were my sounding board, as I was yours. I know I can talk to the Lord about anything and I do. Sometimes I miss hearing what you would have to say about something that caused me to feel bad. Even if you said something that would make me feel worse, right then, it always "stuck in my craw", as you would say; in the long haul I would take your advice about any thing.         I still am doing the same as always, cleaning, cooking sometimes, doing laundry, going to church and sometimes doing grocery shopping. So much is happening these days, I am not happy with but I will and do "Keep looking to the hills".        I had a vacation, for me, I went to Michigan with Lisa and Debbie, a couple of weeks ago. Lisa's migraines had gotten so bad, she went there to a clinic, she has been better this week, praise the Lord for that.         It will be Thanksgiving in a few more days, then Christmas will be looming even closer. I have to admit the holidays doesn't bring me much, if any, cheer. Without having you, here with me, well it just isn't the same. You were my constant, Ben Miller and I miss you much. I love you and I am glad you don't read these blogs, may keep you from resting in peace. I know you are enjoying yourself and that is what I want for you. Love you.............BILL-EE  

It has been two whole years since we saw you put in the ground. I do know that it was just your flesh and bones, your spirit had already departed yet that was you to me. Duane and I have been to the cemetery each day this week. We put new flowers in the vase. Duane wanted to buy the flowers this time.            Honey, I miss you still so much. I don't know words to say how much I miss you nor how much I love you. I have not been writing on the blog except on these counting months.          I still have to remind myself how you would tell me to stop crying, regardless of what I was crying about. I mostly try to keep all my crying private but afraid I haven't always done good at that this week.         I don't do much, I keep the laundry up, do the floors, keep the kitchen clean, etc. I worked at the day care for several months this summer but that job is over now. I go to church 3 times a week. Janelle and J.C. still coming on the 4th Sunday each month. They stay here. I enjoy having them.         Debbie came down Monday night. She stayed until Tuesday late afternoon. Enjoyed her visit as always.        Ben Miller I still do not know why you had to go, I wanted to go too but that was not for me to say. I will keep on as I know you would want me to. I am so happy Lisa told me she couldn't lose me, too. At that time I really didn't care to try to keep going. Now I am thankful for each day as I always had been and will be. I miss you and I love you............BILL-EE

Ben Miller RIP, Dear Honey, on Monday 9/26/2011 you were laid to rest. Now it is Monday 8/26/2013, this day has been a day of many silent tears for me. All I felt like doing was staying in bed. I wanted to shut out reality. I didn't want to think of my heart ache, of how I miss you.             I really thought about going to the grave site and sit there, not ever moving. God is so good, I finally thought of my many years of saying, "life goes on and God is still God". I made myself move and tried hard to say to myself, move on ole girl, there is still something for you to do.           I can't really say I have done anything today, but I got up, I folded clothes, half cleaned the kitchen. Duane and I went to Applebees and ate then we went to Wal Mart, in Bessemer and I bought a few things.           I really can't tell anyone how I feel, but Honey I keep smiling, even though my heart is so sad and achy and I so miss you. I am hoping that by and by it will not be so bad. I love you and wish you were here with me.............I miss hearing the BILL-EE          It is a couple of minutes past midnight, so now is Tuesday 8/27.

I wrote last on July 22, today is August 21 Wednesday. I am thinking of our last week. September 21, 2011 was also on Wednesday. You didn't come downstairs all that day, you ate all three meals in the bedroom. We didn't go to church that evening. you hadn't felt good all day. You didn't stay in bed, but sat in a chair most of the day. That evening you said your stomache hurt. What is funny, you did sleep well that night. You didn't wake early and want to get out of bed.       Oh, if I had known you only had one more full day in this life. At least I did eat lunch and dinner in the room with you. As usual I had clothes to laundry, fold, and put away that day; along with all the other chores, it seemed, I always needed to do. I miss you so much still, I wonder will I ever not miss you. I go to the cemetery quite often even though it has been 23 months since you left me. Yes, I miss you and I love you as always.......... BILL-EE. I still miss hearing the BILL-EE.

Today is 7/22. All day I have remembered 9/22/11, your last day alive, Ben. What a day, lunch brought to us by Neil Honea. You ate a good lunch, but didn't eat much at dinner time. You complained of a stomache ache as you had on 9/21. I took you upstairs and got you in bed by about eight thirty. I needed to soak and re-wrap my toes. We had not so good evening, anyway got you to ER about eleven forty-five or a little passed. They didn't call me back 'til twelve thirty. You vomited again just as I got to the room. What a night, my heart ached, I knew you were sick. It was 9/23 before you got to a room, on the fifth floor. At twelve thirty-five you left me. I really didn't know how I would ever make it one day. I kept thinking I can't live without my soul mate. So far I have made it for almost 22 months. It hasn't been easy, but Lisa reminded me 3 weeks later how that I had to live. I still had a reason, the children, the grands, and the greats. I don't see any of them much, but now I think, my Ben would want me to try and be happy. I have to work at it, since I have been alone but the little job helps, and I look to the mountains from whence my help comes. I miss you so much and I love you and I say daily Lord, help me to endure this B I G loss. Yes, I sat at the table this morning and wept again and felt the hole that is in my heart. I love you------------BILL-EE

I wrote on this blog, I think, sometime after 6/16. I remember saying how lonely I had felt for Ben. Now it is 6/24, yesterday was 21 months since he left (me). All day I have thought about 21 months ago, what an awful day it was.  Those days were the worst days of my 81 years. I keep hearing it will get better, but I wonder when.            I went to Camp Meeting 2013 last Thursday and Friday nights. I remembered camp meetings of the past when my husband went with me. Oh, how you would have loved that preaching, Ben Miller.          Janell and J.C. were here from Thursday afternoon until this a.m. They went along to the meetings with us. They will be  back on Monday 7/7 (Lynn's birthday), I will be going with them to the MS camp meeting. We will leave here on Tuesday a.m. we will stay thru Thursday or Friday.           I am hanging out alone again now. I usually sleep late, today I did laundry really had alot to do. Tomorrow I do my clothes I've worn for the past two weeks. Got to get plenty of clothes ready for the camp meeting.          Oh, how my heart weeps knowing that I am forever alone. I haven't forgotten to be very thankful for life God has granted me and I know my Ben would be glad if he knew I was still here, still able to be independent. I miss him so much, still feels like a big hole in my heart, still crying tears, and silent ones at times. I do know I can always look to the hills from whence comes my help. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

I just got home from church and eating with Sarah and David. Naturally, Ben Miller has been on my mind. It was only 20 months ago that we were getting you settled, for the last time. What I wouldn't give to have to help you to bed and get you settled in. It has been a long 20 months, most of it I have spent alone. The job I had is over for now, I would love to have a part time job, in book keeping, clerical, or any kind of office work. Ben Miller is missed so much, and is loved much.            The Killoughs will be here this week end. Monday is Memorial day, I will probably be alone that day, as I am all the rest of my days. I am not complaining, I am so thankful to know that God is with me always. Just when I think of holidays, I always knew that you, Ben, would be with me. We  may have to eat a pbj sandwich but we knew we were together, now I think of doing that alone.           I plan to get a flag to take to the cemetery and stick it in your vase, with the flowers.             Linda Holifield is coming up tomorrow. She is going to take Morgan and Kalob home with her for a week. She wanted me to go down also, but the Killoughs will be here. I will probably ride down with Sandra next week end. She is going to pick the kids up and bring them back here.            I will say again I miss you and I love you. I cannot explain to anyone the pain I feel. I can't say the hole in my heart never seems to get smaller, but sometimes it feels it gets larger. Thank God I just keep trudging along, smiling as if I have never been hurt. Thinking of you, remembering that last week you lived, day by day. Remembering that last hospital trip, and thinking of all the trips you and I took to Princeton. If only we could have kept making them................BILL-EE

Here I am again, Still missing you, Ben, so much. I think of you and I feel such pain. There is nothing to take to help the pain. I can only say once more, "Lord help me."            My job has ended, I miss going to the academy. I even miss those kids there.Yesterday and today I worked in the house, I dusted, vacumned, did laundry. Laundry is a job, the clothes has to be folded and put away. First I have to get them up two flights of stairs, thankful the stairs are not too high.            Duane was here for Mother's Day. I was so happy to have someone with me. I sure did miss you though. You had a beautiful way of making me feel special and loved, even when it was just the two of us.             I have written lots of words in this blog, all about what I do and where I have gone. I believe it says over four thousand pages. That is alot of writing, I don't think anyone ever looks at this blog any more. That is alright, I have written it for my own good.          I still stop by the cemetery quite often, weather  permitting. I still only drive about 35 miles when I drive by the area where you were laid. They still haven't put grass there, I wonder will they just wait and hope the grass spreads there don't know.           I went to bed a little past ten o'clock, was still awake so I decided it was a good time to write. Every day I think of what I could write, write it in my mind. I do someetimes get it on the blog. I can say each and ever day that I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

Nineteen months ago you were laid to rest for the last time. I miss you so much, and think of you all the time. Little things will come to mind, tears will come to my eyes, and so many other things will happen to remind me of our life together. I am thankful for our many years of marriage. I know I spent my life with you, and wish you were still with me, even in the condition you were in. I know also that you were tired, and really hated the blindness and being unable to do anything. I heard you tell the Lord to come and get you because you were tired. I have tried these months to live the way I think you would want me to be. I can laugh and keep smiling even when my heart is breaking and I feel like crying, screaming, not eating, etc. You would be saying eat, smile, be who you always were. Sometimes I have a struggle doing that, but I shall have to be me. Lord, help me daily to live my life with a smile, regardless of my feelings. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

So much has happened since I last wrote in the blog.  Lisa had the eye surgery, I stayed at the Haynes from Sunday evening until Wednesday late. The next Friday or maybe Saturday a.m. I went back out there and stayed until Wednesday again. Then back on Friday for the night.           Duane came down on Friday, Brandon had the accident. Duane and I spent the day Saturday there, Carla and Linda came up. We all left about twelve a.m.  They all stayed here, Duane went to church Sunday a.m. I didn't go I was still tired. We all wenet back to hospital soon after lunch, stayed until past six. Duane and I went to church, came by Arby's brought food home to eat. Then this a.m. we went back to hospital. They did surgery on Brandon.            He had a bad freak accident, Butch is beside himself with worry. They do think the sugery was successful as possible, under the circumstance. Duane left here about five p.m. going back to GA.            Beside all the happenings, I have missed  Ben Miller so much. The corresponding dates as your last week on earth. So not my best week, but I did get to see several nephews, I hadn't seen for quite a few years now. Also got to talk to Michael a dab today. Also, I really realized something good about living for God, and praying for people. Oh, how I would love to share it all with you. So I miss you double now. 9/22/11 was your last day alive, you left me on 9/23/11.           I have told you the biggest things that has happened this month, so far. I am still working, am enjoying it very much. I am so thankful that I am able to do that. God is so good.           I miss you and love you. I have made it to cemetery several times this month; in spite of bad weather, work, and traumas.            Love you.............BILL-EE

I made it thru my second Easter without you. I missed you, thought of you almost continuously. Dialyn, Glen, Kia, and Kamilah came to church. I went home with them and ate easter lunch at their house. I left there about eight or so coming back home.            Clara and Ulmer are here, Clara's sister is having surgery tomorrow. they will probably be here for the week. I don't have to work until Friday, so it shouldn't be too bad having them here.          Today was our Debbie's birthday. Sis Honea took me to lunch, she said we were celebrating Deb's day.            I stopped at the cemetery today on the way home. I try to stop by there, when the weather isn't so bad. Seems like I simply have to stop by as much as possible. Of course, I do it for me.           I dreamed about you this a.m. You said you had come for me, and took my hand and we floated upward, upward.  It was quite a great feeling, but when we got to where I thought we were going, you left me. With a sad look you told me you would have to leave me and I didn't see you anymore. Seems like I did see Lynn and Merle, yes I remember now I saw them they were working at something. Anyway, I loved seeing you, and the sensation of floating up, holding your hand. I need to get to bed so I will go for this time. I miss you still so much and Honey, I love you...........BILL-EE