I stopped at the cemetery again. I really did want to just lay down there beside your grave and stay for....how long? I knew I could not do that, also I realize that is not healthy thinking. As I stood there I wondered what did you pray when you prayed for me and our children. I regretted, again, even tho you told me to go on and soak my toes, what would you have said to me.        I felt proud of myself by the time I got home because I listened to the cd "I Can Only Imagine". That was a plus for me. Some exciting things happened to me today. I won't try to write it all down. It is the kind of thing that would have kept us talking for awhile.         Debbie called this evening, before I got home. I called her back and we had a good conversation. She is going to a surgeon tomorrow. She had to go to ER Sunday with pain. They found gall stones but don't think that was the reason for the pain. She will be okay. Supposed to call me after she has seen the doctor.          It is getting late, I need to get ready to get in bed. I am trying to go to bed earlier these days. I don't know how it will work out, I still am awake at midnight, even tho I go to bed early. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

I just got home about three minutes ago. After church me and Sis Honea went to Dairy Queen. We ate and then had a small blizzard, and talked. When it is just the two of us we can really talk. We talk about olden times at Bible Tabernacle but mostly about all the Lord is doing for us at Deeper Life. Tonight after we left out of the Dairy Queen we stood by our cars and talked for another thirty minutes or so. It was so good for me. It has been a long while since I have had anyone to talk to like that.         It seems on Sundays I am in church all day. I leave the house abou nine forty or so. I pick up the lady I give a ride to, we are at the church around ten or so. After church, I take her home, go to eat, come home take a short nap and go back to church again. My Sundays are full, if no other day is.       Today I came by the cemetery, it was hot, I leaned on the dogwood tree, in the shade, and talked to my husband. I can tell you things that I can't tell anyone else.I tell you how I miss you, I tell you how I feel about being alone so much, and everything else that I think or feel. I tell you that I love you, I tell you thanks for praying for me and our children. As always I say Lord if he can't hear me please will you tell him I love him. I love you...........BILL-EE

Today was busy. I left home about ten thirty or eleven o'clock this a.m. I went to New Life Church where Lisa and Ashley were helping a friend decorate. I didn't do much to help, I watched them work. They worked for a few hours, then everyone went home for an hour or so. I went to Lisa's. Later we went back to the church for a graduation party. It was fun.         One of Lisa's long ago friends, who lives in Texas, was in Birmingham. Lisa was so excited getting to see her again. They have been friends since early 80's. I enjoyed seeing her again, too. Meeting two of her children and her husband. That made the evening even nicer. Lisa had invited them to come to the party.          I am home (alone) as always. I started back to Lisa's for awhile but changed my mind. Had stopped at Publix to get a few items, while waiting for them I changed my mind and came on home.          How to answer all the people who will ask me (always) how are you doing? What do I say, I think of my husband almost constantly. Thinking of him now, but I'll say I am doing o.k. I am not being untruthful, I call myself doing o.k. all the time. I have to be doing o.k. I won't try to explan my true feelings, besides well. I only know that I am always missing you and that I love you, Ben Miller............BILL-EE

My heart is heavier than ever this evening. I finally got to visit Icy, she doesn't look good at all. I could only think of when I first saw Milton after Ben's death. Makes me even more thankful for knowing where I can go to find help,some comfort, and to know that I can make it with the Lord;s help. Otherwise I, too, would be like she is. Of course, she is 10 years older and her health is worse then mine. She just hasn't been able to find peace of any kind.         I am writing early this evening, I may go over to Lisa's. Just thinking about it for now. Toshea did tell Lisa to invite me to her sons after graduation party so I know if nothing happens I will go over there tomorrow. Give me something to do, people to see, etc.       When I think about how much I miss you, and go to Milton's and Icy's and find out how much I miss Milton, makes it harder to go to their house. They have around-the-clock help with Icy now. Wouldn't I be in a pickle, if I didn't know God and His mercies?          I miss you and I love you............I am writing again. All evening I have been thinking of all the many phases I have gone through in the past ten months. There has been many, and also many different thoughts. Sometimes thinking why get up? I can just not get up. Then I would begin to think of maybe there is a reason to get up, I still can't say. Thoughts of, well I won't say anymore.        I started writing this blog ten months ago. I knew I was going to have to do something, no, Honey, maybe you were never going to read this, yet I knew right away I had to have some kind of outlet. So I do, and have done, this for Billie. I needed some thing for me, to keep me traveling on. I knew that is what you would want me to do. I stopped by the cemetery. I have done that lots. So I talk to you there, I tell you my thoughts, I tell you how I miss you, I tell you that I love you. Just in case you don't hear me I ask the Lord to please say these things for me, to you. Guess I have alot more I could say but I will say I can't see the page to well right now, I will end again with I love you......................BILL-EE

Ten months ago I watched them lower you into the ground. I felt that now my life is ended, Lord help me. I still have my life, it didn't end, sometimes it feels as if it is standing still. So I am still saying, Lord help me.        I woke this a.m. at four thirteen, did not get back to sleep 'til past eight. I took about a fifteen minute nap today.        Bro. Honea called me and said he had taken Vickie to ER. He didn't get back home until past five this evening, he had taken Zoey to his house. After church I took Zoey home and checked on Vickie. My intentions had been to go by the cemetery but it was too dark for that. I felt bad that I did not go by, but I know what you would have said about my decision to check on Vickie.     Of course, as is true every day I have been alone today. Dialyn and Lisa called me otherwise I haven't talked to anyone, except someone with VA called this morning. The guy in Birmingham VA called but I had already left the house when he called.        Ben Miller, my honey, I can't explain how I feel. Thankful that I am still able to take care of me. Though not very good. I know I don't half eat as I should but I am trying, as I know you would want me to do. Sometimes, most of the time I kind of feel blah. Mostly like what do I do next.         This week I have hugged your jacket tightly, this a.m. I sat in your chair. I still feel lost and so alone. I do still remember to look to the Hills, where comes my help. I miss you I love you...........BILL-EE

Again, I just got home. I took Alisha home. I had not found where David and Sarah would be going to eat. As I drove by Krystal I noticed a black truck, then I thought that I saw Sarah. I started on home, but then I turned around and went back. I was right that is where they were. We ate, and now I am home. It is getting late and I want to be real sleepy when I go to bed. I keep thinking of ten months ago and knowing that even after ten months nothing has changed, I still miss you as much as ever and I still love you........BILL-EE

Just got home from church. After prayer meeting we all went to Pizza Hut. They had their buffet. I ate a salad, baked spaghetti, pizza, and the sweet cakes. It was a nice time, except Aubrey was a litle wild.      Today was a very ordinary day for me. I plan to try to go visit Icy for a little while tomorrow, if she feels like having company.         I kept thinking about what 9/24 was like for me. The only thing I can remember well about that day was being at the funeral home, the florist, and checking to see if the funerals we paid for years before, if anything was covered. What else happened, I do not know. That was a very stressful day. I am missing you as usual and I love you..........BILL-EE