I have written well over 300 notes to you. Looking back over them I find some of them to be boring. Others of them I find that crushes my heart over and over, as if it doesn't crush all over again each day.        I really do think many times, is it possible that I am not letting you rest in peace? I do not know I only know that I miss you and that I love you.         Ten months ago today I was totally oblivious to about everything except the fact that the wonderful man I had spent most of my life with had gone from me. I felt (still do feel) totally lost, not knowing what to do with myself or what to do about the things that need to be taken care of. This time each month I feel more alone than ever. Thinking of all the things that had to be done and thinking that you were gone from me forever. My consolation is always knowing that you had a great love for our Lord, and that now you are not blind and you can walk as you once did. I came by the cemetery today. I did a load of laundry. Nothing else much did I do.         Janelle and J.C. left out early this a.m. They always get up and slip out, trying not to disturb me.        I hate being alone today and tonight but I will hang in there "like an old rusty fish hook" your famous words.     I love you and I miss you.........BILL-EE

Ten months ago, tonight was your last night on this earth. It was about this time when I went upstairs, for the last time, that night. You were still awake, but not feeling well. You finally said take me on to the ER, so I got it started. I know I will never forget that night. I won't ever forget that even after they had you on the gurney, and had you outside, that I heard the guys talking to you. I looked out the door, I know you probably had changed your mind about going to ER. They got you strapped down, I grabbed my purse, and off we went. Sometimes I think if only I could forget!!!!! I know I will not, could not, ever forget you, my husband, so I will never forget that night either.          We had some good food at church today and let overs tonight after church. The Killoughs were here, in church, with us. They will be going home tomorrow a.m. I wish they could stay over tomorrow, but that will not happen. I am praying Lord, help me get by one more day. It seems the anniversary date days are even worse to handle. I will with the Lord's help. But oh I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

Today Janelle, J.C. and I went shopping. They forgot to bring their suitcase, so needed to buy some items.         I got very nauseous this a.m. I think it is the antibiotic that made me sick. I went back to bed and stayed there until past twelve. I will not ever take this med again without first eating some food.          We decided not to go to the church at six, J.C. wasn't feeling good and I still was a little puny. We ate supper, then we visited for awhile, had ice cream, then visited more. The Killough's went on to bed and here I am writing my note for the day.      I was thinking how on 9/21 you stayed in the bedroom all day. Then later you complained with a stomache ache. This was so unusual for you. You so rarely, for years, complained about any kind of pain. Of course, I get very immotional when I think of those last few days. I could never dreamed you were so sick. Is there anything I could have done to make it better for you? Guess I will never know, but it haunts me, that I didn't know to try something, anything. All I know and can say for sure is that I have missed you so much, I still miss you much and I love you...........BILL-EE

I did go to the doctor today. I didn't think Lisa would get them, but she managed to somehow  leave a message for Sandy. This a.m. Sandy called and said doctor wanted me to go by the lab at one thirty and to see him at two. I got a chest x-ray, it was o.k. I had a low grade temp, he listened to my lungs and said you better get a steroid shot and antibiotics. I am so tired of this coughing, I could scream.         I had to call Janelle and tell them I would be going to the doctor. I told her where she could find a key so they could come on in the house.        On the way home I remembered the Chevron station across the street had their regular gas for $3.16 per gallon. I decided I would fill my tank although I had a half tank. Man, so glad I did that, it was less than Jet Pep, Wavacho, or any other I saw. We went over to the church for a little while. When we got back home the gas was $3.19. Where is this going? Our world is falling apart, no it has already fallen apart.         Dialyn and Glen came over for awhile. Actually they stayed longer than usual. We had a great visit with them. It all makes me miss you, Ben Miller, more than ever. I love you.......BILL-EE    p.s Dialyn called me on Monday, too. I meant to come back down and change the blog after my bath but I forgot to do so. She and I had talked for a long while that day......Love you.    p.p.s. Janelle brought fresh veggies already cooked so we had a feast tonight. This was written for 7/20/12, didn't realize it was past midnight.

I am ready for company. Janelle said we will wait and come Saturday, as we don't want to become a bother to you. I told her no, come on Friday you two are the only company I ever have. So they will be coming tomorrow. They are bringing me fresh veggies from their garden.        I went by the cemetery again this evening. Still have no idea if the angel does anything or not. Anyway I paid $30.00 to have it put in with the flowers. I really wanted an angel there.        I vacuumed the den this afternoon. I bought a roast to fix to take to the church for lunch Sunday. I hope it will turn out okay. That was one of the favorites at the long ago Miller Christmas. I also bought some ice cream, your favorite, butter pecan. Hope the Killoughs will like it.        Lisa called today, just as I had one of the coughing spells. She said she was calling the doctor's office, she wants me to get a steroid shot. I was this way a month ago. Even after a bout of antibiotics. Lisa said you know nothing is going to help but a steroid shot. I don't think she got the office though. I am still trudging on. Coughing, sputtering, and all the rest of the good stuff. I miss you so. I wish you could have met Janelle's husband, you would have liked him. I love you............BILL-EE

I did go to church tonight, but I didn't stay long. I came back home, took an aleve and went to bed. I stayed in bed half the day. I did manage to vacuum some floors.       My heart was so saddened, I barely looked at fb today. I saw where Gerri Savell King had died. Oh my Janelle and I have talked so much about how the three of us, at one time, had been very close.       I have coughed all day, again, and my nose has been like an artersian well. That is why I was feeling so bad. I sure have thought of how I could sit on your knees when I felt bad and how you would hold me and try to make me feel better. Just another thing I miss about you.         I got out of  bed, and drank some warm green tea, so now I am back to bed. The coughing maybe won't be so bad if I am lying down. I can't take anymore cough med for awhile......I love you.......BILL-EE

I have been busy today. Got the clothes folded and put away. I got floors mopped, bath rooms cleaned. I can't say how many trips up and down the stairs I made. I went to church for an hour and went grocery shopping. That is my most "hated" chore to do. I reckon I dislike it so much because it is foolish trying to cook for one person. Therefore, I have to look for something I can add water and have a meal of sorts.      I stopped by the cemetery again today. I still don't know if the solar light angel really lights up. I haven't been there when it was totally dark. It is a pretty angel, I had it put in with the flowers. Everything has to be in the vase.        I was thinking how I use to walk up to your chair and rub your head. Especially when you just had a hair cut. Everyone seemed to like rubbing your head. I remember Kamilah rubbing your head. Anyway, Sometimes when I would rub your head you would reach up and grab my hand, then you would kiss it. O how I miss all the precious moments, like that, we had. I know I have to make it some how alone, you would be so disappointed in me if I didn't. I have to remind myself of what you would expect of me to be able to keep going. Thankful that you prayed for me, as you did. It helps me to keep on keeping on..........I love you............BILL-EE