Ben Miller RIP, Dear Honey, on Monday 9/26/2011 you were laid to rest. Now it is Monday 8/26/2013, this day has been a day of many silent tears for me. All I felt like doing was staying in bed. I wanted to shut out reality. I didn't want to think of my heart ache, of how I miss you.             I really thought about going to the grave site and sit there, not ever moving. God is so good, I finally thought of my many years of saying, "life goes on and God is still God". I made myself move and tried hard to say to myself, move on ole girl, there is still something for you to do.           I can't really say I have done anything today, but I got up, I folded clothes, half cleaned the kitchen. Duane and I went to Applebees and ate then we went to Wal Mart, in Bessemer and I bought a few things.           I really can't tell anyone how I feel, but Honey I keep smiling, even though my heart is so sad and achy and I so miss you. I am hoping that by and by it will not be so bad. I love you and wish you were here with me.............I miss hearing the BILL-EE          It is a couple of minutes past midnight, so now is Tuesday 8/27.

I wrote last on July 22, today is August 21 Wednesday. I am thinking of our last week. September 21, 2011 was also on Wednesday. You didn't come downstairs all that day, you ate all three meals in the bedroom. We didn't go to church that evening. you hadn't felt good all day. You didn't stay in bed, but sat in a chair most of the day. That evening you said your stomache hurt. What is funny, you did sleep well that night. You didn't wake early and want to get out of bed.       Oh, if I had known you only had one more full day in this life. At least I did eat lunch and dinner in the room with you. As usual I had clothes to laundry, fold, and put away that day; along with all the other chores, it seemed, I always needed to do. I miss you so much still, I wonder will I ever not miss you. I go to the cemetery quite often even though it has been 23 months since you left me. Yes, I miss you and I love you as always.......... BILL-EE. I still miss hearing the BILL-EE.

Today is 7/22. All day I have remembered 9/22/11, your last day alive, Ben. What a day, lunch brought to us by Neil Honea. You ate a good lunch, but didn't eat much at dinner time. You complained of a stomache ache as you had on 9/21. I took you upstairs and got you in bed by about eight thirty. I needed to soak and re-wrap my toes. We had not so good evening, anyway got you to ER about eleven forty-five or a little passed. They didn't call me back 'til twelve thirty. You vomited again just as I got to the room. What a night, my heart ached, I knew you were sick. It was 9/23 before you got to a room, on the fifth floor. At twelve thirty-five you left me. I really didn't know how I would ever make it one day. I kept thinking I can't live without my soul mate. So far I have made it for almost 22 months. It hasn't been easy, but Lisa reminded me 3 weeks later how that I had to live. I still had a reason, the children, the grands, and the greats. I don't see any of them much, but now I think, my Ben would want me to try and be happy. I have to work at it, since I have been alone but the little job helps, and I look to the mountains from whence my help comes. I miss you so much and I love you and I say daily Lord, help me to endure this B I G loss. Yes, I sat at the table this morning and wept again and felt the hole that is in my heart. I love you------------BILL-EE

I wrote on this blog, I think, sometime after 6/16. I remember saying how lonely I had felt for Ben. Now it is 6/24, yesterday was 21 months since he left (me). All day I have thought about 21 months ago, what an awful day it was.  Those days were the worst days of my 81 years. I keep hearing it will get better, but I wonder when.            I went to Camp Meeting 2013 last Thursday and Friday nights. I remembered camp meetings of the past when my husband went with me. Oh, how you would have loved that preaching, Ben Miller.          Janell and J.C. were here from Thursday afternoon until this a.m. They went along to the meetings with us. They will be  back on Monday 7/7 (Lynn's birthday), I will be going with them to the MS camp meeting. We will leave here on Tuesday a.m. we will stay thru Thursday or Friday.           I am hanging out alone again now. I usually sleep late, today I did laundry really had alot to do. Tomorrow I do my clothes I've worn for the past two weeks. Got to get plenty of clothes ready for the camp meeting.          Oh, how my heart weeps knowing that I am forever alone. I haven't forgotten to be very thankful for life God has granted me and I know my Ben would be glad if he knew I was still here, still able to be independent. I miss him so much, still feels like a big hole in my heart, still crying tears, and silent ones at times. I do know I can always look to the hills from whence comes my help. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

I just got home from church and eating with Sarah and David. Naturally, Ben Miller has been on my mind. It was only 20 months ago that we were getting you settled, for the last time. What I wouldn't give to have to help you to bed and get you settled in. It has been a long 20 months, most of it I have spent alone. The job I had is over for now, I would love to have a part time job, in book keeping, clerical, or any kind of office work. Ben Miller is missed so much, and is loved much.            The Killoughs will be here this week end. Monday is Memorial day, I will probably be alone that day, as I am all the rest of my days. I am not complaining, I am so thankful to know that God is with me always. Just when I think of holidays, I always knew that you, Ben, would be with me. We  may have to eat a pbj sandwich but we knew we were together, now I think of doing that alone.           I plan to get a flag to take to the cemetery and stick it in your vase, with the flowers.             Linda Holifield is coming up tomorrow. She is going to take Morgan and Kalob home with her for a week. She wanted me to go down also, but the Killoughs will be here. I will probably ride down with Sandra next week end. She is going to pick the kids up and bring them back here.            I will say again I miss you and I love you. I cannot explain to anyone the pain I feel. I can't say the hole in my heart never seems to get smaller, but sometimes it feels it gets larger. Thank God I just keep trudging along, smiling as if I have never been hurt. Thinking of you, remembering that last week you lived, day by day. Remembering that last hospital trip, and thinking of all the trips you and I took to Princeton. If only we could have kept making them................BILL-EE

Here I am again, Still missing you, Ben, so much. I think of you and I feel such pain. There is nothing to take to help the pain. I can only say once more, "Lord help me."            My job has ended, I miss going to the academy. I even miss those kids there.Yesterday and today I worked in the house, I dusted, vacumned, did laundry. Laundry is a job, the clothes has to be folded and put away. First I have to get them up two flights of stairs, thankful the stairs are not too high.            Duane was here for Mother's Day. I was so happy to have someone with me. I sure did miss you though. You had a beautiful way of making me feel special and loved, even when it was just the two of us.             I have written lots of words in this blog, all about what I do and where I have gone. I believe it says over four thousand pages. That is alot of writing, I don't think anyone ever looks at this blog any more. That is alright, I have written it for my own good.          I still stop by the cemetery quite often, weather  permitting. I still only drive about 35 miles when I drive by the area where you were laid. They still haven't put grass there, I wonder will they just wait and hope the grass spreads there don't know.           I went to bed a little past ten o'clock, was still awake so I decided it was a good time to write. Every day I think of what I could write, write it in my mind. I do someetimes get it on the blog. I can say each and ever day that I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

Nineteen months ago you were laid to rest for the last time. I miss you so much, and think of you all the time. Little things will come to mind, tears will come to my eyes, and so many other things will happen to remind me of our life together. I am thankful for our many years of marriage. I know I spent my life with you, and wish you were still with me, even in the condition you were in. I know also that you were tired, and really hated the blindness and being unable to do anything. I heard you tell the Lord to come and get you because you were tired. I have tried these months to live the way I think you would want me to be. I can laugh and keep smiling even when my heart is breaking and I feel like crying, screaming, not eating, etc. You would be saying eat, smile, be who you always were. Sometimes I have a struggle doing that, but I shall have to be me. Lord, help me daily to live my life with a smile, regardless of my feelings. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE