Saturday, January 30, 2016

Oct. 3, 2011

Well honey another day, it's been one week now since we laid you to rest. Have I rested? think of you too much, Lisa got med for me from Dr. Dumas, yes I have been taking it, surprised? By the way Dr. Dumas called me Thurs or Fri to ask how I am doing, thought that was nice of him. OUR children wanted me to take the med so I'm wanting them not to worry about their mom, especially since they just laid you to rest. I'm making it moment by moment.I'll always love you and I miss you so very much.......oh, Tot bought me a small car(Honda)today. Just thought I'd let you know.

Oct. 15, 2011

Ben, here I am to send you my daily "living without Ben" Left the house, I am at Lisa's. I walked around the stores with Lisa and Ashley, they shopped.This evening I went with Lisa to a wedding. I will get up tomorrow and drive to church. I am glad I went out, but nothing changes, I still miss you so much, at home away from home, anywhere and everywhere I miss you. I am going to try and sleep now. I love you. How do one learn to live alone after so many years with the same person?

Saturday, September 19, 2015

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I kind of forgot how to get the blog up and I didn't save. I miss you so much Honey, I feel like I need you here, then I remember how the last couple of years were for you and I know that what we would talk about would only break your heart. I have learned to cope alone. Sometimes I will "break forth" to one of the kids, but I don't want to hurt them so I try to move along.           I fell going down the stairs hurt both feet/ankles but am trying to get back to normal. I stayed at Lisa's for 2 months, am back home now. Being the trouble with feet I haven't even been to the cemetery for too long.          Ben it has been almost 4 years now since you left me and yet my heart still breaks, it hurts remembering even these days, as I remember those last days we had together. I didn't want you gone ever, but God knows best and HE showed you light your last day.           Remembering all the days we had together are sweet. Thinking of the days since you left are very painful, yet I know the days of happiness we had together has to somehow out weigh the pain of loss I suffer from losing you. Thank you for being the kind of man you were. You won stars every day for the kind of person (husband, father, friend, child of God you were) from me. I have no problem remembering that "sailor boy" I met those years ago. I have no problem remembering the person, how you looked, in 1950 when I became your wife. I can still see how you looked at the first glimpse of your 4 children, of the night you went to an altar to pray, even how you looked at your mothers funeral, at the news of my mothers death, at funerals of friends and family. How you looked when Lisa and Debbie set up so I could see you, as we talked on the phone, after my bout of sickness when I was doing therapy to learn again to walk.             So much to say to you, for my good I do this, just as I go to cemetery and talk to you....I am doing for me, sharing my thoughts with you in writing this blog. Sorry didn't get them all posted, my loss............I miss you much still and I will always love you.............BILL-EE

Friday, October 17, 2014

I haven't written anything in over 2 months. It wasn't done because I didn't have something to say, I can always think of something I would like to say to you. I go to cemetery and say plenty, only God hears, the wind takes it along as it travels.            I have made it past the 3 year mark without you, have had many heart breaks along the way. With God's help I have continued to remind myself that life does go on, and God is still God.          Today heard the heartbreaking news that Quinton Essary died, from cancer. Bill Skinner, our good friend and neighbor, is battling brain cancer. I could not begin to tell of the pitiful sight our country is in. Nor the heartbreak of our youngest. Since I can't think of anything good except that we have 16 greats now, all beautiful. I will say I love you and miss you as always............,.BILL-EE

Friday, August 1, 2014

It is August 1st, I tried several weeks ago to bring this blog up because I wanted to write again on it. For some reason I could never get the laptop to come on. Anyway, I decided to try again and here I am. Just been thinking how I feel like at times that you are still sitting here in your chair; how I wish. I still stop at the cemetery often, sometimes I talk to you, sometimes I talk to God, but always I am missing you so much.           My days are usually about the same, sometimes I do very little, some days I don't quit, then I get very worn out. I can remember how you would say okay you need to stop now and rest awhile. Always thoughtful of me, especially the year after I had pneumonia.        I try to walk up and dowm the stairs without holding to the rails, that isn't going too well. Boy Debbie gave me a "what to" about that, just as you would have.       I miss you so much, times I need to have someone around just to talk to, but I know God is always there. Honey, knowing you as I did, I can imagine what you would say to me about everything I would like to talk about; but oh, how I would cherish even those things I didn't like for you to say.            I have made it for a little over 34 months now. I wonder if the heart ever really understands. I know that people doesn't. So much to tell you, but it would take too long, so for now I will say again I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Today is June 25, 2014, 33 months ago I waited for the time to go to viewing. It seems like so long ago, yet it seems like only yesterday or even today. Makes me wonder when if ever the hole that is left in my heart will heal.           There is no way to describe what one feels, when they lose the mate of a lifetime. It is always memories there, some of the last years with you, the blindness, dependence, always needing someone near to help you walk, etc. Knowing the person you were, I knew all this made you feel too helpless, which did not help your case. That alone interfered with your health. I can only repeat over again that I miss you and I love you........BILL-EE

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Today is June 1st, 2014. I am almost ready for church. Debbie is here, she is going with me today.   Most of the day yesterday, we met Lisa and Ashley, had lunch and then started the hard  work of shopping. I am finally going to California, getting to visit the Butlers'. I told them when you first left me that I would visit. Finally, all these months later I am going. I am excited, but thinking about you, as always. Justy wanted to say I love you Ben, and oh, how I miss you.............BILL-EE