Today is February 24, 2013. I had wanted to write on 2/23 but the computer had a virus. I didn't know what or which way to go. Lisa, Ashley and Rylan came over here, so Lisa got on the 'phone with Carey and he told her what should be done. The lap top had not been doing so well, I had forgotten about everything on it. Of course, again Lisa got me back on it, so here I am finally.             I stopped at the cemetery today, had a little chat. Honey 17 months ago, 2/23 was your last day alive. It had been a rough week. Helped that Allison and Kamilah came over Friday night, then the others who came yesterday. Last night I was alone for quite awhile, nothing new about that.            The pain in my heart is as fresh as 17 months ago. The difference is I work at not letting my pain be known to anyone. This is my way of talking about how I feel. I really am not very good at putting on paper, my feelings, but I do try.It was always so easy to talk to you about anything. You sometimes didn't make much response to my talking, but it always felt good just knowing you had listened.           Anyway 17 months ago we got arrangements made. Bro. Butler and Martin would have been here (as you had figured). The only reason was the Martins had 2 churches to take care of and couldn't get here. The Butlers tried everyway to find a flight, the difference in time prevented them from being able to make it. Bro. Wheatley had just got home and was too tired for the long ride. They all three wrote beautiful words about Bro Ben, which were read in the service. Bro. Maughon and Bro. Honea, had alot to say. Bro. Raggio was here, he did the eulogy. Sis. McCoy sang, beautiful as only she can do. Bro. McCoy was a pall bearer and prayed at the grave site. The funeral director told us, our children and me that he had never heard such a prayer as was prayed that day, at any time, at any funeral he had directed. Myself, all four children and some of the grands received, on our facebook pages, some beautiful words about Bro. Ben Miller. You were loved and cherished by so many people.        Especially me. Then in January, 2012 we lost Milton and July, 2012 we lay Icy to rest. It has really been 17 months of heartaches on heartaches.          I will write again soon, I can't see the page or words for the tears that are falling. I miss you so much and love you always...............BILL-EE

THESE POSTS WERE WRITTEN WHILE I DIDN'T HAVE A COMPUTER.  BUT I AM NOW PUTTING THEM ON THE BLOG.  THEY ARE OUT OF ORDER, BUT STILL LISTED.

1/6/12

Honey, I am still at Milton’s.  He is still in the hospital.  They haven’t done the surgery yet.  June came in this morning but she went on to the hospital.  Dale went home tonight; June is staying with her dad.  I am making sure Icy takes her meds and trying to help her out.  At least be here with her.  She misses Milton.  Honey,I miss you, too.  I know about that missing your life long soul mate. Maybe he will get to come home but…… They didn’t do surgery today he has fluid. You know I told you when I came over here I told you how his feet were swollen. I think he was swollen kind of all over.                                                                                  

Debbie came down she and Lisa were at the hospital for awhile visiting with June and Dale, and  their Uncle Milton. Lisa also went to our house got a few more clothes for me. Have no idea how long I may be hanging around here. All I know for sure is that I miss you and Honey, I love you……….BILL-EE

 

1/7/12

Well Ben here I am again. Missing you as usual. I am still at Milton’s house with Icy. Milton is still in the hospital. Still no surgery, but they say they have the kidneys almost back to normal, still working on the lungs. Maybe he will be able to have the hip fixed by Monday or Tuesday.

Tomorrow Is Sunday also is the birthday of our oldest grandchild, Carmen.  Debbie had to get back home because they were celebrating her birthday this evening. They were going out to eat some place.                                               

Debbie said Sharon was going to be home all next week. I know Duane is happy having her home.  I keep                                                                  hoping and praying she will get a good job. One she will like as much or more than this one.  I still am not  sure if I will make it to church tomorrow or not. I don’t think they will need me. I will say I miss you and Honey I love you much…………BILL-EE                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

1/16/12

Ben Honey, I am here with Icy tonight again. She and I didn’t do anything but sit around all day.        I don’t know why I have so much trouble with this computer.          Anyway Janelle called this a.m. she and J.C were coming to the house today. I thought they were not coming until tomorrow or Wednesday.    I told them to go to the house but she called me  back and said they were going on home to Booneville and would come back to the house Sat. a.m. J.C will be preaching at the church Sunday morning. They will stay over, probably until next Monday. I am looking forward to their visit. Ulmer and Clara will be coming in tomorrow. They want to visit with Milton and Icy. Milton is still in hospital.          Clara’s younger sister, Kay, is having surgery on Wednesday. I don’t know for sure how long they will stay around.          Honey, even though I am here I am thinking of you. I know that I miss you no matter where I may be. I know, too, that I love you. I know also that I am still facing, as it were, ghosts. I am sure if I keep looking to the hills I will be o.k. That is what you want for me. I love you……….BILL-EE                               

 

 

1/18/12

Ben I am back with Icy. I came on over here after church. June left soon as I got here. She went back to the hospital to stay with her dad.      Ulmer & Clara left our house at 11:30 a.m. They were going to see Linda and Kay. They also went back to the hospital to visit Milton.      I miss you so very much. I had wanted to get by the cemetery today. It was such a beautiful day, all sun shiny, but it was cold.  Needless to say, I didn’t get out until 5:30. I went by the diner and ate. I bought a plate of food, actually got 2 plates to go. I got those for me and Icy to have for tomorrow.             I am just not doing much of anything lately so I don’t have anything to tell you.      No matter, I want to say I miss you and that I love you very much…………BILL-EE

1/19/12

Honey, I am still with Icy. June is here tonight also. Dale or Bartley is at the hospital with Milton.  Sid visited Milton this morning, then he came by here and visited with me and Icy for awhile. At least he sat here and listened to the talk, mainly Icy talking. Of course, I did put in my two bits worth.  You know how much Sid talks. Other than that the day was uneventful.  I will be going home tomorrow. Allen is coming back tomorrow, so they will be covered.        Honey, I miss you so much. I wish I could express just how much I do miss you. Also I wish I could tell you how much I love you, but I don’t know words to use to say.  So I will just say it again…..I miss you, I love you……………..BILL-EE

I want to write a bit this evening. I am enjoying the work I do at the Academy, I am working on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. I have Mondays for laundry and Friday for cleaning, so it is working out fine.          Honey, sometimes it seems I am doing so well, but then it hits me hard, you are gone from me forever. Then I wonder, how will I make it alone? My heart will ache, it seems as if a big empty and dark hole is there; and not a heart. I wonder also how have I made it these months alone. Only God knows, maybe because when I begin to have the feelings of pain and anguish, I turn to Him for comfort and strength.            It has rained so much again, lately. Today it was cold rain. I am thankful when it rains, I am thankful when the sun shines.           My jaw has been bad the last month or so. Yesterday it started hurting so bad, I couldn't eat or drink anything without the pain attacking me. Then it just stopped, and I had no more pain until this morning. Just me, complaining about something I have no control over. It is hurting now, even as I type this. I am thinking of seeing Dr. Baar again, don't know what he can do...but.           I am going to fix something to eat and try to get it eaten, not before I say I miss you and I love you...............BILL-EE

I am going to write a note tonight. Janelle and J.C. were here again this week end. I enjoy the times they are here. About the only company I ever have. Last month Debbie was here, along with some Mississippi folks. I always loved having company, so did you, honey. I can't tell you of the pain I feel, there is no describing it. I try to never show it, but it is there, even if I do have company.           I will be going to work tomorrow morning. I am enjoying working with those kids, seeing them learn is great.         Sarah Hall will be staying with me this week. David has gone to the Farmers' and is going to CT for some kind of church conference with them.           I need to get in the shower and to bed, so I will not try to write anymore for now. I will truthfully say I miss you so much and I love you.........BILL-EE