I just got home from church and eating with Sarah and David. Naturally, Ben Miller has been on my mind. It was only 20 months ago that we were getting you settled, for the last time. What I wouldn't give to have to help you to bed and get you settled in. It has been a long 20 months, most of it I have spent alone. The job I had is over for now, I would love to have a part time job, in book keeping, clerical, or any kind of office work. Ben Miller is missed so much, and is loved much.            The Killoughs will be here this week end. Monday is Memorial day, I will probably be alone that day, as I am all the rest of my days. I am not complaining, I am so thankful to know that God is with me always. Just when I think of holidays, I always knew that you, Ben, would be with me. We  may have to eat a pbj sandwich but we knew we were together, now I think of doing that alone.           I plan to get a flag to take to the cemetery and stick it in your vase, with the flowers.             Linda Holifield is coming up tomorrow. She is going to take Morgan and Kalob home with her for a week. She wanted me to go down also, but the Killoughs will be here. I will probably ride down with Sandra next week end. She is going to pick the kids up and bring them back here.            I will say again I miss you and I love you. I cannot explain to anyone the pain I feel. I can't say the hole in my heart never seems to get smaller, but sometimes it feels it gets larger. Thank God I just keep trudging along, smiling as if I have never been hurt. Thinking of you, remembering that last week you lived, day by day. Remembering that last hospital trip, and thinking of all the trips you and I took to Princeton. If only we could have kept making them................BILL-EE

Here I am again, Still missing you, Ben, so much. I think of you and I feel such pain. There is nothing to take to help the pain. I can only say once more, "Lord help me."            My job has ended, I miss going to the academy. I even miss those kids there.Yesterday and today I worked in the house, I dusted, vacumned, did laundry. Laundry is a job, the clothes has to be folded and put away. First I have to get them up two flights of stairs, thankful the stairs are not too high.            Duane was here for Mother's Day. I was so happy to have someone with me. I sure did miss you though. You had a beautiful way of making me feel special and loved, even when it was just the two of us.             I have written lots of words in this blog, all about what I do and where I have gone. I believe it says over four thousand pages. That is alot of writing, I don't think anyone ever looks at this blog any more. That is alright, I have written it for my own good.          I still stop by the cemetery quite often, weather  permitting. I still only drive about 35 miles when I drive by the area where you were laid. They still haven't put grass there, I wonder will they just wait and hope the grass spreads there don't know.           I went to bed a little past ten o'clock, was still awake so I decided it was a good time to write. Every day I think of what I could write, write it in my mind. I do someetimes get it on the blog. I can say each and ever day that I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

Nineteen months ago you were laid to rest for the last time. I miss you so much, and think of you all the time. Little things will come to mind, tears will come to my eyes, and so many other things will happen to remind me of our life together. I am thankful for our many years of marriage. I know I spent my life with you, and wish you were still with me, even in the condition you were in. I know also that you were tired, and really hated the blindness and being unable to do anything. I heard you tell the Lord to come and get you because you were tired. I have tried these months to live the way I think you would want me to be. I can laugh and keep smiling even when my heart is breaking and I feel like crying, screaming, not eating, etc. You would be saying eat, smile, be who you always were. Sometimes I have a struggle doing that, but I shall have to be me. Lord, help me daily to live my life with a smile, regardless of my feelings. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

So much has happened since I last wrote in the blog.  Lisa had the eye surgery, I stayed at the Haynes from Sunday evening until Wednesday late. The next Friday or maybe Saturday a.m. I went back out there and stayed until Wednesday again. Then back on Friday for the night.           Duane came down on Friday, Brandon had the accident. Duane and I spent the day Saturday there, Carla and Linda came up. We all left about twelve a.m.  They all stayed here, Duane went to church Sunday a.m. I didn't go I was still tired. We all wenet back to hospital soon after lunch, stayed until past six. Duane and I went to church, came by Arby's brought food home to eat. Then this a.m. we went back to hospital. They did surgery on Brandon.            He had a bad freak accident, Butch is beside himself with worry. They do think the sugery was successful as possible, under the circumstance. Duane left here about five p.m. going back to GA.            Beside all the happenings, I have missed  Ben Miller so much. The corresponding dates as your last week on earth. So not my best week, but I did get to see several nephews, I hadn't seen for quite a few years now. Also got to talk to Michael a dab today. Also, I really realized something good about living for God, and praying for people. Oh, how I would love to share it all with you. So I miss you double now. 9/22/11 was your last day alive, you left me on 9/23/11.           I have told you the biggest things that has happened this month, so far. I am still working, am enjoying it very much. I am so thankful that I am able to do that. God is so good.           I miss you and love you. I have made it to cemetery several times this month; in spite of bad weather, work, and traumas.            Love you.............BILL-EE

I made it thru my second Easter without you. I missed you, thought of you almost continuously. Dialyn, Glen, Kia, and Kamilah came to church. I went home with them and ate easter lunch at their house. I left there about eight or so coming back home.            Clara and Ulmer are here, Clara's sister is having surgery tomorrow. they will probably be here for the week. I don't have to work until Friday, so it shouldn't be too bad having them here.          Today was our Debbie's birthday. Sis Honea took me to lunch, she said we were celebrating Deb's day.            I stopped at the cemetery today on the way home. I try to stop by there, when the weather isn't so bad. Seems like I simply have to stop by as much as possible. Of course, I do it for me.           I dreamed about you this a.m. You said you had come for me, and took my hand and we floated upward, upward.  It was quite a great feeling, but when we got to where I thought we were going, you left me. With a sad look you told me you would have to leave me and I didn't see you anymore. Seems like I did see Lynn and Merle, yes I remember now I saw them they were working at something. Anyway, I loved seeing you, and the sensation of floating up, holding your hand. I need to get to bed so I will go for this time. I miss you still so much and Honey, I love you...........BILL-EE

Today is 3/25, I am remembering the evening of visitation. I also keep thinking of the 22nd, how you saw light that morning, the big lunch you ate, the small amount you ate at dinner time. Taking you to the ER, you and I spent the night there, you admitted to the hospital on Friday morning. Oh, what a difficult day and the days since; for 9/23/11 at 12:35 you made your journey to a place of forever rest and peace for you. You left me with a broken heart, with a big hole of emptiness, silent tears, that I will smile around. Ben Miller, you truly were and are my true Love. I was blessed mightily by our God to have married and lived the years we had together. Blessed beyond measure with our four beautiful children, grandchildren and greats. I am thankful daily to the ONE who gave me such great blessings. So much and many I could never name. I miss you continually and love you......BILL-EE

Yesterday on the 20th I thought so much about your staying in the bed room until past 4 p.m. You made it to the stairs, but said you could go no farther. I told you to sit down on the stairs, which you did. I played a preaching tape ( Bro Raggio, HE Came Once and HE Will Come Again--Dec 1991). I heard you say, come on Lord Jesus and get us. Why don't you come and get us....silence...then, come and get me,  I am so tired. I  couldn't help myself, I began to cry. After a few minutes you said you were ready to come on down.        The 21st of September you stayed all day in the bed room. You ate all three meals there. I remember the look on your face that day. A pleasant, contented look. You stayed in such a good mood all day. I brought a more comfortable chair for you to sit in. You stayed in your robe all that day.            Honey, I  am so alone, all the time and I miss you more than I can ever say. I went by the cemetery Sunday evening, after church.           I am so bothered with the allergies right now. I finally took a benadryle, I had gone to bed at nine thirty. Still awake at eleven thirty. I thought the benadryle would put me out.......no such luck, so here I sit writing in the blog. How I would love to be able to be talking to you. I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE