I almost overslept this A.M.  I woke up last night after about 45 minutes sleep, then I was awake until close to 3 o'clock. I woke at 6:30 and again at 9:23 a.m. I still made it to church on time. Praise the Lord for that. I went to the Home Plate Diner with David Hall, Mike, Carolyn, and three kiddies. Had a good lunch, thanks to Bro. Hall.            I have eaten a peanut butter and figs sandwich, drank some water, looked at fb for a few minutes. I am about ready to call it "goodnight". Unusual for me this early.            We had rain most all night and all day, fall is definitely here, least feels like it.          I got an invitation from Camp Boggy. They will have their Day of Remembrance on October 17th. I am invited to go, invitation reads, We would be honored to have you join us as we remember: Ben Miller. This is their 4th annual day of remembrance. Mike said Carolyn can go with me and help me drive. Camp Boggy is located in Eustis, FL wherever that is. I would really like to go, since it is a day of remembrance of YOU. Every day is a remembrance of YOU for me. I miss you so much, I miss Milton and Icy, too. My whole life is so different, yet is the same, does that even make sense? Honey, in my heart you will always be a part of life for me, you were the best part of me. I love you.........BILL-EE

Today I ate breakfast, folded clothes, showered, washed my hair, and went to pick up my new glasses. I can't say that I see any better at all. Guess I should have kept trying to make it with my 100's. Oh, well, I may have just spent $300.00 for nothing.          It has just started raining, been awhile since we had rain.          Not much to write about, I finished reading a book today, that I had started. Now I am about to go heat up some left overs and eat. I have only eaten some cheese puffs since breakfast and I am hungry.          I could talk about how I miss you, how I feel there is a big hole in my heart. I could say something about how I still feel pain over my loss of my love. For now I will say I love you more than I can ever tell.............BILL-EE

Honey, I did climb that mountain last night, I waved the flag because I made it. I know you would be very proud of your girl.          After prayer time tonight Sis Honea asked me if I would like to go to Waffle House, of course I said yes. I ate more than I've eaten for a week or more.         I have actually watched some TV. Clara called and told me there would be a Tribute to Chipper on Fox Sports. I recorded it and have watched it. He played with the same team all the years of his career as a baseball player. It was a good show. I looked up at a picture of you, and thought how I missed you. I know this would have been something you would have liked, although Chipper wasn't exactly a specialty to you. Still you would have enjoyed this tribute. Next year his #10 will be retired, I hope I will know about that in time to watch. I missed Tom Glavine's and Cox's #'s being retired. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

I actually did get all the upstairs rooms vacummed today. Also I cooked a meal, beef stew, field peas, and fried okra. It was all very good, but I still have a "pile" of food. That is why I hate to cook, I have to throw away too much food.          I stoppd at the cemetery, didn't stay as long today as it was just about dark. A bad place to be walking in the dark.          I have read Bro. Raggio's book, Long Winding Road". I started it before I left to go to the church, now I have finished all that is on his work. I have really enjoyed it, he is really a good writer.        I am going to try for the top of the mountain tonight. I have been thinking about sleeping in my bed, in our bed room for several weeks. Tonight I plan to try it.          I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

OH, Ben how I have ached for you this day. I went to the cemetery this afternoon, for the first time I felt dread as I was on my way there. I stayed until the gnats got really bad. I didn't want to leave once I got there. My thoughts were, just lie down beside his grave. I remembered and lived again that fateful day Sep. 26, 2011. I have lost many loved ones, mother, dad, sisters, brother, nephews, and neices to name a few. I miss them all, but when I lost you there was an ache in my heart and a great big hole. It hasn't been easy this past year and I wonder will the ache ever cease?          When I finally left the cemetery I went to the diner and tried to eat something. It was hard swallowing food. I haven't eaten much in over a week now. After church I went to Arby's with the Hall's and Heidi's two girls. I managed to eat part of a small salad. I know I will have to keep looking to the hills, from whence comes my help. It is almost like starting another cycle of missing you and of knowing I am alone. I love you........BILL-EE

I actually got out of the house this evening. I went over to the church for prayer. My intentions were to stop at cemetery. I saw Chevron had gas for $3.54 per gallon, so I stopped and filled the tank. I had made a trip to GA and back, to the doctors, and to the ER since I had filled the tank. I had 324 miles driven and it only took 11 gallons to fill up. Anyway it was too dark to stop as I had planned to do. It was probasbly for the best that I didn't stop, as it was dark.          Ben, the day has been long, this time a year ago I could barely stand, could barely breath. It was a night of saying good-bye to my one true love. I still can truthfully say "I love you". My plans are to meet you in a place of no tears, no sorrows, no good-byes ever again.           I miss you so much. There are always things coming up that I need you to tell me yes or no about. I was never much good about making the tough decisions, I relied on you for that.           I tried to stay busy today, I did actually get the kitchen floor mopped good. I am still not "up to par", I know what you would have been saying to me about ever 30 minutes or so, "you need to lay down for awhile and rest". Oh Ben I miss you so, I wonder will the pain ever cease and when? I love you more than I could ever say in 60 years, 9 months, and 13 days...............BILL-EE

It has been six days since I wrote anything. It was a rough week,  for me, I stayed in bed much more than I was up. I had some temp, along the way, really did feel sick. As I already stated I was in bed most of the week.         Lisa came over Wednesday after work, she stayed until yesterday late afternoon. Debbie and Duane came down Friday evening, stayed until Sunday. Dialyn came on Saturday, so did Ashley and Rylan. Dialyn had Kamilah with her. We all went to the cemetery Saturday evening. We took new flowers to put in the vase, and we talked about what a great husband and dad you were. Actually, what a great all around person you were. Lisa kept trying to keep it light, she said we are celebrating his first year in paradise, where he can see, walk, run, dance, and all the other things you hadn't been able to do for awhile. Maybe you have even been able to fish, in the river of life. Thinking about all those things, knowing how much you hated the blindness, the having to be dependent on some one for everything, makes it easier to bear. It does not help the ache and hole in my heart. It doesn't help how I miss you each day. It will help to be able to smile, even though the tears are in my heart. I love you...........BILL-EE

I did go to doctor he took one look and said we have to find a surgeon, that has to be taken care of right away. I am hurting and not feeling well at all. Any kind of infection can cause one to want only to be in bed. That is me. I have been up for about an hour now, ready to get back in bed. I miss you and I sure do love you..........BILL-EE

I came home today. I am not feeling well, so I won't be writing much. I enjoyed my visit and the birthday party was lots of fun. Yesterday 9/16 was a bomber for me. Debbie kept hot compresses on my swollen face. I called doctors office he said for me to come over tomorrow. Allison is on her way here to stay with me and guess she will be taking me to the Doc tomorrow. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

I will be leaving for GA in a few minutes, I am going to stay until Sunday sometimes. I may or may not write in the blog while I am there. I am looking forward to seeing Duane and the Dardens, Hesters, and Wallers. I hope it will be good for me. This is not a  good month at all, as most has not been in the past year. Honey, I keep thinking what you would be expecting of me.          I looked at some old pictures a little while ago. Pictures of your 62nd birthday. The girls had made a man to look like you, had him sitting in a rocking chair with a fishing rod close by. In the same album was Debbie's 40th birthday, my 60th, Lisa's 30th, also Nathan's and Jennifer's birthdays. Sometimes I think I can't look at pictures, but when I start looking at them I enjoy it.          I will forever miss you and love you..........BILL-EE

About bed time and I do feel sleepy. I went to dentist today for a cleaning, got to have a filling, that one tooth finally has reached the point for a filling. Dr. always said it isn't hurting so we do nothing.      Also went to Schaffer's with my glasses prescription. He is making my near sighted  eye to match the far sighted one. Doctor LeCroy says this presription should bring both eyes to 20/20 vision. I sure hope so.             This month has been a haunting one, but I am smiling, as you would want me to do. I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

September 11, we surely would have remembered that day 11 years ago together if you were still here. It has been a sad day thinking of all those people who lost their lives. Sadder for me thinking that a year ago you were still with me. This whole month so far has been a sad month for me, as have all the months for the past year. I miss you, sometimes it feels worse than ever.           I stopped at the cemetery for awhile. I didn't want to leave, but it was getting quite dark so I left. I still don't know if the angel lights up properly after dark. Because of the location it can't be seen from the road at all. I am going to eat another few bites of food, get a shower, and hope I get some sleep tonight. Last night was a miserable night, no sleep. I drank two diet cokes and a cup of coffee, that didn't help with sleep.         I did another load of laundry today. I had done one yesterday. Since it is just me, I usually don't have to do laundry but every other week.             I miss you, I love you..........BILL-EE

Haven't been long since I got home. We had a lady's meeting, we met at Habanara's for dinner, then we went back to the church and did the planning for the rest of this year. Some discussion went on about the valentine's banquet next year. Of course, Alisha had to keep talking when I took her home. Sometimes she gets tiring.          I am going to have to take care of our bank account. They said I had a year to change it, that was last year. Guess I will have to take your name off the account now. It's not because I want to, it's required by the bank.           I know I keep smiling, but inside I am one big ache. I really miss you. I am having to think of this time last year. Why couldn't I realize how sick you really were. I remember you always had one hand in a fist. I would tell you that caused tenseness, evidently your body was in pain. All I can do is pray, Lord help me one more time and one more time. I miss you, Ben Miller, and I love you..........BILL-EE

How great is our God? I was disappointed Saturday 9/9/12, I had been thinking I would have some company. That didn't happen. This a.m. when I got to church right away pastor Honea asked me if the evangelist and family could come to our house until church time this evening. A young couple with two beautiful, precious little girls. Naturally I said yes, although the preacher had to study and the girls had to lie down,it still was such a good thing for me. I even lay down on the living room couch for awhile, and feel asleep. I didn't get to sleep last night at all, finally fell asleep around four thirty. The visiting family all stayed down here, in the den, yet it felt good having them here for a bit. He preached two sermons you would have liked, all about the goodness of our great God.          No matter if someone is here or if, as mostly I am, alone I miss you. Miss having you here to talk, laugh, pray, or maybe cry with. The couple today could not believe I was eighty years old. She was telling me, tonight, how amazing she thought I was to be doing the things I do. I told here I always kept thinking about what you would expect of me. I also told her you would never want me to cause our children worry. Most important I wonder what the Lord would expect of me, so I am able to keep on. I smile to hide the tears of my heart. I love you............BILL-EE

It is still early but I am writing anyway. I will be getting something fixed to eat. I will go ahead and close up the den.         The day started out good. Linda, Joe, and Jonathan were supposed to come over today. Also Dialyn  called and she and Allison were bringing some things over to put in the shed. As it happened, no one came. Linda called and explained what happened with them. I haven't heard anymore from Dialyn and Allison. I have been sitting here all day with nothing to do. Of course, I have played solitaire, did my devotion time, etc. Still a disappointing day. Oh, well that is life.       Nothing to talk about except that I miss you. I thought how nice it would be to have you here with me. Then I remember how you hated the darkness, how you asked the Lord to come and get you. These things are heartbreaking but I remind myself to think of what you would expect of me, what God expects of me, and I keep on keeping on. I love you............BILL-EE

I made it to the retiree luncheon today. Fay came over and went with me. There were 42 people present. Harold Kelly is now the president. He is the guy that would always get you another drum stick. Bruce Lollar was there, I didn't see Minnie, so I asked Bruce about her. He told me she died last month. I remember how you always liked Minnie. Guess you were sort of a hero to her, after all, in his own words you saved, her husband's life. I felt so bad about her death. Bruce said they knew something was wrong with her but the doctors could never find what it was.         Debbie called tonight. We talked for an hour and half. I really enjoyed our time, it had been a long time since we had such a long conversation.         I miss you, Ben Miller, I love you..........BILL-EE

I am truly wishing I could talk to you. You always had a way of telling me not to worry so much. I'm really not worried but I do feel heart sick. If I could talk to you I would feel so much better. Of course, I know that isn't going to happen. Today has been another day of "nothing" for me. I am planning to go to the retiree luncheon tomorrow. Maybe I will have something to write about.         I was late getting home tonight. The lady I pick up for church wouldn't stop talking I had to keep telling her I needed to go. I almost stopped by the cemetery even tho it was dark. I thought I would just go in there and sit for awhile. Nothing could be accomplished by doing that. I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

It seems September has started off mighty fast. I didn't do much of anything today, acting like I am still on vacation. I stopped at the cemetery on my way home from church. Thinking about you  as per usual. Thinking how much I still miss you and how much I would have talked to you about today. I love you.          Carla McBrayer called and talked for close to two hours, tonight. I finally told her I needed to go. Don't have anything I can talk about so I am going with, I love you.....BILL-EE                          

I haven't written anything since 8/30. I have missed not writing. I had a great time with the Haynes' family, we went to the beach, mostly I sat by the pool watching them play. That Rylan is so daring in the water. He would run out in that ocean, loved letting the waves sweep over him.         Me, Ashley and Rylan came home today. Her GPS sent us on the oldest path. We had no idea where we were.  I told Ashley we need to stop and ask someone if they knew where we were. It took us a good hour or so longer to get home. We had a lot of fun and laughs on the route.         When we got, finally, to 65 we mostly just talked. Rylan thought that she was screaming at me, at least he told her "mom, don't scream at mawmaw". We did have a great time, at least I sure did.           I thought about you, Ben Miller, alot and knew you would have enjoyed that, if only because you knew I was enjoying myself. I missed church also, but really had a great time. Harold fed us well!!           I am going to go to bed now, I love you.........BILL-EE