Here it is, another year about gone. I miss you as always; I try to stay busy but that doesn't keep me from thinking of you and missing you, Ben Miller. I have made it for twenty seven  months as of 12/23. I've got past two Thanksgivings, two Christmas' and about to be, as of tomorrow, 12/31 will be two year endings. I wonder sometimes will there ever be a time that I won't miss you?           Duane has been sick for a week now, we spent Christmas alone ate left overs. If something doesn't change we will have a New Year, just the two of us. I hope he is alot better tomorrow.           I still stop by the cemetery quite often. I go there for me, I do know that you aren't there. You are singing and shouting in a place of Paradise.           Finally got all the decoration down, even got the kitchen floor mopped today. My vacumn cleaner is broken I may try to get another small one for upstairs. I hate lugging a vacumn up and down the stairs.         As I already said I miss you so much, how I would love to be able to tell you all that has happened in the past twenty seven months. Oh, yes I do still look to the hills from whence comes my help, thankful I know I can do that. Thankful I know you prayed for me to be able to do that when you left me.         I love you.............BILL-EE

What is this? Last month I could not get into this blog, though I did try. Neither computer would let me in, so weird.          Ben Miller, you left me 26 months ago. It was about this time 12:35 p.m. Oh, how I have missed you all these months, I keep smiling and keep being thankful for the days God has granted to me. This is what you would have me do, knowing who you were.           I have needed to have you here so badly, needed someone to talk to. You were my sounding board, as I was yours. I know I can talk to the Lord about anything and I do. Sometimes I miss hearing what you would have to say about something that caused me to feel bad. Even if you said something that would make me feel worse, right then, it always "stuck in my craw", as you would say; in the long haul I would take your advice about any thing.         I still am doing the same as always, cleaning, cooking sometimes, doing laundry, going to church and sometimes doing grocery shopping. So much is happening these days, I am not happy with but I will and do "Keep looking to the hills".        I had a vacation, for me, I went to Michigan with Lisa and Debbie, a couple of weeks ago. Lisa's migraines had gotten so bad, she went there to a clinic, she has been better this week, praise the Lord for that.         It will be Thanksgiving in a few more days, then Christmas will be looming even closer. I have to admit the holidays doesn't bring me much, if any, cheer. Without having you, here with me, well it just isn't the same. You were my constant, Ben Miller and I miss you much. I love you and I am glad you don't read these blogs, may keep you from resting in peace. I know you are enjoying yourself and that is what I want for you. Love you.............BILL-EE  

It has been two whole years since we saw you put in the ground. I do know that it was just your flesh and bones, your spirit had already departed yet that was you to me. Duane and I have been to the cemetery each day this week. We put new flowers in the vase. Duane wanted to buy the flowers this time.            Honey, I miss you still so much. I don't know words to say how much I miss you nor how much I love you. I have not been writing on the blog except on these counting months.          I still have to remind myself how you would tell me to stop crying, regardless of what I was crying about. I mostly try to keep all my crying private but afraid I haven't always done good at that this week.         I don't do much, I keep the laundry up, do the floors, keep the kitchen clean, etc. I worked at the day care for several months this summer but that job is over now. I go to church 3 times a week. Janelle and J.C. still coming on the 4th Sunday each month. They stay here. I enjoy having them.         Debbie came down Monday night. She stayed until Tuesday late afternoon. Enjoyed her visit as always.        Ben Miller I still do not know why you had to go, I wanted to go too but that was not for me to say. I will keep on as I know you would want me to. I am so happy Lisa told me she couldn't lose me, too. At that time I really didn't care to try to keep going. Now I am thankful for each day as I always had been and will be. I miss you and I love you............BILL-EE

Ben Miller RIP, Dear Honey, on Monday 9/26/2011 you were laid to rest. Now it is Monday 8/26/2013, this day has been a day of many silent tears for me. All I felt like doing was staying in bed. I wanted to shut out reality. I didn't want to think of my heart ache, of how I miss you.             I really thought about going to the grave site and sit there, not ever moving. God is so good, I finally thought of my many years of saying, "life goes on and God is still God". I made myself move and tried hard to say to myself, move on ole girl, there is still something for you to do.           I can't really say I have done anything today, but I got up, I folded clothes, half cleaned the kitchen. Duane and I went to Applebees and ate then we went to Wal Mart, in Bessemer and I bought a few things.           I really can't tell anyone how I feel, but Honey I keep smiling, even though my heart is so sad and achy and I so miss you. I am hoping that by and by it will not be so bad. I love you and wish you were here with me.............I miss hearing the BILL-EE          It is a couple of minutes past midnight, so now is Tuesday 8/27.

I wrote last on July 22, today is August 21 Wednesday. I am thinking of our last week. September 21, 2011 was also on Wednesday. You didn't come downstairs all that day, you ate all three meals in the bedroom. We didn't go to church that evening. you hadn't felt good all day. You didn't stay in bed, but sat in a chair most of the day. That evening you said your stomache hurt. What is funny, you did sleep well that night. You didn't wake early and want to get out of bed.       Oh, if I had known you only had one more full day in this life. At least I did eat lunch and dinner in the room with you. As usual I had clothes to laundry, fold, and put away that day; along with all the other chores, it seemed, I always needed to do. I miss you so much still, I wonder will I ever not miss you. I go to the cemetery quite often even though it has been 23 months since you left me. Yes, I miss you and I love you as always.......... BILL-EE. I still miss hearing the BILL-EE.

Today is 7/22. All day I have remembered 9/22/11, your last day alive, Ben. What a day, lunch brought to us by Neil Honea. You ate a good lunch, but didn't eat much at dinner time. You complained of a stomache ache as you had on 9/21. I took you upstairs and got you in bed by about eight thirty. I needed to soak and re-wrap my toes. We had not so good evening, anyway got you to ER about eleven forty-five or a little passed. They didn't call me back 'til twelve thirty. You vomited again just as I got to the room. What a night, my heart ached, I knew you were sick. It was 9/23 before you got to a room, on the fifth floor. At twelve thirty-five you left me. I really didn't know how I would ever make it one day. I kept thinking I can't live without my soul mate. So far I have made it for almost 22 months. It hasn't been easy, but Lisa reminded me 3 weeks later how that I had to live. I still had a reason, the children, the grands, and the greats. I don't see any of them much, but now I think, my Ben would want me to try and be happy. I have to work at it, since I have been alone but the little job helps, and I look to the mountains from whence my help comes. I miss you so much and I love you and I say daily Lord, help me to endure this B I G loss. Yes, I sat at the table this morning and wept again and felt the hole that is in my heart. I love you------------BILL-EE

I wrote on this blog, I think, sometime after 6/16. I remember saying how lonely I had felt for Ben. Now it is 6/24, yesterday was 21 months since he left (me). All day I have thought about 21 months ago, what an awful day it was.  Those days were the worst days of my 81 years. I keep hearing it will get better, but I wonder when.            I went to Camp Meeting 2013 last Thursday and Friday nights. I remembered camp meetings of the past when my husband went with me. Oh, how you would have loved that preaching, Ben Miller.          Janell and J.C. were here from Thursday afternoon until this a.m. They went along to the meetings with us. They will be  back on Monday 7/7 (Lynn's birthday), I will be going with them to the MS camp meeting. We will leave here on Tuesday a.m. we will stay thru Thursday or Friday.           I am hanging out alone again now. I usually sleep late, today I did laundry really had alot to do. Tomorrow I do my clothes I've worn for the past two weeks. Got to get plenty of clothes ready for the camp meeting.          Oh, how my heart weeps knowing that I am forever alone. I haven't forgotten to be very thankful for life God has granted me and I know my Ben would be glad if he knew I was still here, still able to be independent. I miss him so much, still feels like a big hole in my heart, still crying tears, and silent ones at times. I do know I can always look to the hills from whence comes my help. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

I just got home from church and eating with Sarah and David. Naturally, Ben Miller has been on my mind. It was only 20 months ago that we were getting you settled, for the last time. What I wouldn't give to have to help you to bed and get you settled in. It has been a long 20 months, most of it I have spent alone. The job I had is over for now, I would love to have a part time job, in book keeping, clerical, or any kind of office work. Ben Miller is missed so much, and is loved much.            The Killoughs will be here this week end. Monday is Memorial day, I will probably be alone that day, as I am all the rest of my days. I am not complaining, I am so thankful to know that God is with me always. Just when I think of holidays, I always knew that you, Ben, would be with me. We  may have to eat a pbj sandwich but we knew we were together, now I think of doing that alone.           I plan to get a flag to take to the cemetery and stick it in your vase, with the flowers.             Linda Holifield is coming up tomorrow. She is going to take Morgan and Kalob home with her for a week. She wanted me to go down also, but the Killoughs will be here. I will probably ride down with Sandra next week end. She is going to pick the kids up and bring them back here.            I will say again I miss you and I love you. I cannot explain to anyone the pain I feel. I can't say the hole in my heart never seems to get smaller, but sometimes it feels it gets larger. Thank God I just keep trudging along, smiling as if I have never been hurt. Thinking of you, remembering that last week you lived, day by day. Remembering that last hospital trip, and thinking of all the trips you and I took to Princeton. If only we could have kept making them................BILL-EE

Here I am again, Still missing you, Ben, so much. I think of you and I feel such pain. There is nothing to take to help the pain. I can only say once more, "Lord help me."            My job has ended, I miss going to the academy. I even miss those kids there.Yesterday and today I worked in the house, I dusted, vacumned, did laundry. Laundry is a job, the clothes has to be folded and put away. First I have to get them up two flights of stairs, thankful the stairs are not too high.            Duane was here for Mother's Day. I was so happy to have someone with me. I sure did miss you though. You had a beautiful way of making me feel special and loved, even when it was just the two of us.             I have written lots of words in this blog, all about what I do and where I have gone. I believe it says over four thousand pages. That is alot of writing, I don't think anyone ever looks at this blog any more. That is alright, I have written it for my own good.          I still stop by the cemetery quite often, weather  permitting. I still only drive about 35 miles when I drive by the area where you were laid. They still haven't put grass there, I wonder will they just wait and hope the grass spreads there don't know.           I went to bed a little past ten o'clock, was still awake so I decided it was a good time to write. Every day I think of what I could write, write it in my mind. I do someetimes get it on the blog. I can say each and ever day that I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

Nineteen months ago you were laid to rest for the last time. I miss you so much, and think of you all the time. Little things will come to mind, tears will come to my eyes, and so many other things will happen to remind me of our life together. I am thankful for our many years of marriage. I know I spent my life with you, and wish you were still with me, even in the condition you were in. I know also that you were tired, and really hated the blindness and being unable to do anything. I heard you tell the Lord to come and get you because you were tired. I have tried these months to live the way I think you would want me to be. I can laugh and keep smiling even when my heart is breaking and I feel like crying, screaming, not eating, etc. You would be saying eat, smile, be who you always were. Sometimes I have a struggle doing that, but I shall have to be me. Lord, help me daily to live my life with a smile, regardless of my feelings. Ben Miller I miss you and I love you.............BILL-EE

So much has happened since I last wrote in the blog.  Lisa had the eye surgery, I stayed at the Haynes from Sunday evening until Wednesday late. The next Friday or maybe Saturday a.m. I went back out there and stayed until Wednesday again. Then back on Friday for the night.           Duane came down on Friday, Brandon had the accident. Duane and I spent the day Saturday there, Carla and Linda came up. We all left about twelve a.m.  They all stayed here, Duane went to church Sunday a.m. I didn't go I was still tired. We all wenet back to hospital soon after lunch, stayed until past six. Duane and I went to church, came by Arby's brought food home to eat. Then this a.m. we went back to hospital. They did surgery on Brandon.            He had a bad freak accident, Butch is beside himself with worry. They do think the sugery was successful as possible, under the circumstance. Duane left here about five p.m. going back to GA.            Beside all the happenings, I have missed  Ben Miller so much. The corresponding dates as your last week on earth. So not my best week, but I did get to see several nephews, I hadn't seen for quite a few years now. Also got to talk to Michael a dab today. Also, I really realized something good about living for God, and praying for people. Oh, how I would love to share it all with you. So I miss you double now. 9/22/11 was your last day alive, you left me on 9/23/11.           I have told you the biggest things that has happened this month, so far. I am still working, am enjoying it very much. I am so thankful that I am able to do that. God is so good.           I miss you and love you. I have made it to cemetery several times this month; in spite of bad weather, work, and traumas.            Love you.............BILL-EE

I made it thru my second Easter without you. I missed you, thought of you almost continuously. Dialyn, Glen, Kia, and Kamilah came to church. I went home with them and ate easter lunch at their house. I left there about eight or so coming back home.            Clara and Ulmer are here, Clara's sister is having surgery tomorrow. they will probably be here for the week. I don't have to work until Friday, so it shouldn't be too bad having them here.          Today was our Debbie's birthday. Sis Honea took me to lunch, she said we were celebrating Deb's day.            I stopped at the cemetery today on the way home. I try to stop by there, when the weather isn't so bad. Seems like I simply have to stop by as much as possible. Of course, I do it for me.           I dreamed about you this a.m. You said you had come for me, and took my hand and we floated upward, upward.  It was quite a great feeling, but when we got to where I thought we were going, you left me. With a sad look you told me you would have to leave me and I didn't see you anymore. Seems like I did see Lynn and Merle, yes I remember now I saw them they were working at something. Anyway, I loved seeing you, and the sensation of floating up, holding your hand. I need to get to bed so I will go for this time. I miss you still so much and Honey, I love you...........BILL-EE

Today is 3/25, I am remembering the evening of visitation. I also keep thinking of the 22nd, how you saw light that morning, the big lunch you ate, the small amount you ate at dinner time. Taking you to the ER, you and I spent the night there, you admitted to the hospital on Friday morning. Oh, what a difficult day and the days since; for 9/23/11 at 12:35 you made your journey to a place of forever rest and peace for you. You left me with a broken heart, with a big hole of emptiness, silent tears, that I will smile around. Ben Miller, you truly were and are my true Love. I was blessed mightily by our God to have married and lived the years we had together. Blessed beyond measure with our four beautiful children, grandchildren and greats. I am thankful daily to the ONE who gave me such great blessings. So much and many I could never name. I miss you continually and love you......BILL-EE

Yesterday on the 20th I thought so much about your staying in the bed room until past 4 p.m. You made it to the stairs, but said you could go no farther. I told you to sit down on the stairs, which you did. I played a preaching tape ( Bro Raggio, HE Came Once and HE Will Come Again--Dec 1991). I heard you say, come on Lord Jesus and get us. Why don't you come and get us....silence...then, come and get me,  I am so tired. I  couldn't help myself, I began to cry. After a few minutes you said you were ready to come on down.        The 21st of September you stayed all day in the bed room. You ate all three meals there. I remember the look on your face that day. A pleasant, contented look. You stayed in such a good mood all day. I brought a more comfortable chair for you to sit in. You stayed in your robe all that day.            Honey, I  am so alone, all the time and I miss you more than I can ever say. I went by the cemetery Sunday evening, after church.           I am so bothered with the allergies right now. I finally took a benadryle, I had gone to bed at nine thirty. Still awake at eleven thirty. I thought the benadryle would put me out.......no such luck, so here I sit writing in the blog. How I would love to be able to be talking to you. I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

It has been awhile since I wrote. I went to the Ladies Retreat last Friday and Saturday. How I miss not being able to tell you all about it.           Tomorrow, 3/19 will begin the dates of your last week on this earth. Even if I live to be 180 years old, and forget everything else, I think I will remember these dates and the year 2011. That Monday 9/19/11, wasn't much different than our other days, except you seemed to be tired more easily and sooner then before. I can't believe I didn't take you to the Doctor. We had an appointment, already, in a few more days. I am wondering now, would it have mattered if I had taken you to the Doctor then? I don't know, there has always been so many questions these dates of each month that has passed since you left me. I will always think of the dates but I pray that time will heal most, if not all, of the pain inflicted. I miss you so and I love you.........BILL-EE

Again, alot of days has passed since I wrote on this blog. It isn't that I haven't thought of you, it's just I feel as if I need to stand alone more.I truly have leaned on you, dear Ben, even after death has separated us I sometimes wonder, how long does the pain last?  It seems as if the pain is the same as always, no change.            I will think of something that was  a part of our lives. I have thought of our trips to Nashville, all the things we did there. Shopping in the Ernest Tubb record store, going on a tour bus, going to Grand Ole Opry, to name a few. I remember restaurants where we ate., Thinking about the museum of country artists. Standing there in the Hank Williams room, so many things that crosses my mind. I truly am thankful for the memories, of going to churches, our six week vacation with my sisters, brother-in-law, and neice. How could I even begin to write all the memories I have of our near 61 years together.          The births of our 4 beautiful children, of bringing them up, striving to teach them the right and wrongs of life. Yet the pain never goes away, my loss is fresh each day. Honey, I do what I believe you would be happy about. I cover the unseen tears with smiles and even laughter. All the time knowing that you are gone from me. The memories are here to stay and I am thankful for that.            I stopped at the cemetery last Monday and again on Thursday. Glad I can do that. I have so much to be thankful for, as did you and I before you were gone. I will say for now that I miss you so much and I do love you.............BILL-EE

Today is February 24, 2013. I had wanted to write on 2/23 but the computer had a virus. I didn't know what or which way to go. Lisa, Ashley and Rylan came over here, so Lisa got on the 'phone with Carey and he told her what should be done. The lap top had not been doing so well, I had forgotten about everything on it. Of course, again Lisa got me back on it, so here I am finally.             I stopped at the cemetery today, had a little chat. Honey 17 months ago, 2/23 was your last day alive. It had been a rough week. Helped that Allison and Kamilah came over Friday night, then the others who came yesterday. Last night I was alone for quite awhile, nothing new about that.            The pain in my heart is as fresh as 17 months ago. The difference is I work at not letting my pain be known to anyone. This is my way of talking about how I feel. I really am not very good at putting on paper, my feelings, but I do try.It was always so easy to talk to you about anything. You sometimes didn't make much response to my talking, but it always felt good just knowing you had listened.           Anyway 17 months ago we got arrangements made. Bro. Butler and Martin would have been here (as you had figured). The only reason was the Martins had 2 churches to take care of and couldn't get here. The Butlers tried everyway to find a flight, the difference in time prevented them from being able to make it. Bro. Wheatley had just got home and was too tired for the long ride. They all three wrote beautiful words about Bro Ben, which were read in the service. Bro. Maughon and Bro. Honea, had alot to say. Bro. Raggio was here, he did the eulogy. Sis. McCoy sang, beautiful as only she can do. Bro. McCoy was a pall bearer and prayed at the grave site. The funeral director told us, our children and me that he had never heard such a prayer as was prayed that day, at any time, at any funeral he had directed. Myself, all four children and some of the grands received, on our facebook pages, some beautiful words about Bro. Ben Miller. You were loved and cherished by so many people.        Especially me. Then in January, 2012 we lost Milton and July, 2012 we lay Icy to rest. It has really been 17 months of heartaches on heartaches.          I will write again soon, I can't see the page or words for the tears that are falling. I miss you so much and love you always...............BILL-EE

THESE POSTS WERE WRITTEN WHILE I DIDN'T HAVE A COMPUTER.  BUT I AM NOW PUTTING THEM ON THE BLOG.  THEY ARE OUT OF ORDER, BUT STILL LISTED.

1/6/12

Honey, I am still at Milton’s.  He is still in the hospital.  They haven’t done the surgery yet.  June came in this morning but she went on to the hospital.  Dale went home tonight; June is staying with her dad.  I am making sure Icy takes her meds and trying to help her out.  At least be here with her.  She misses Milton.  Honey,I miss you, too.  I know about that missing your life long soul mate. Maybe he will get to come home but…… They didn’t do surgery today he has fluid. You know I told you when I came over here I told you how his feet were swollen. I think he was swollen kind of all over.                                                                                  

Debbie came down she and Lisa were at the hospital for awhile visiting with June and Dale, and  their Uncle Milton. Lisa also went to our house got a few more clothes for me. Have no idea how long I may be hanging around here. All I know for sure is that I miss you and Honey, I love you……….BILL-EE

 

1/7/12

Well Ben here I am again. Missing you as usual. I am still at Milton’s house with Icy. Milton is still in the hospital. Still no surgery, but they say they have the kidneys almost back to normal, still working on the lungs. Maybe he will be able to have the hip fixed by Monday or Tuesday.

Tomorrow Is Sunday also is the birthday of our oldest grandchild, Carmen.  Debbie had to get back home because they were celebrating her birthday this evening. They were going out to eat some place.                                               

Debbie said Sharon was going to be home all next week. I know Duane is happy having her home.  I keep                                                                  hoping and praying she will get a good job. One she will like as much or more than this one.  I still am not  sure if I will make it to church tomorrow or not. I don’t think they will need me. I will say I miss you and Honey I love you much…………BILL-EE                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

1/16/12

Ben Honey, I am here with Icy tonight again. She and I didn’t do anything but sit around all day.        I don’t know why I have so much trouble with this computer.          Anyway Janelle called this a.m. she and J.C were coming to the house today. I thought they were not coming until tomorrow or Wednesday.    I told them to go to the house but she called me  back and said they were going on home to Booneville and would come back to the house Sat. a.m. J.C will be preaching at the church Sunday morning. They will stay over, probably until next Monday. I am looking forward to their visit. Ulmer and Clara will be coming in tomorrow. They want to visit with Milton and Icy. Milton is still in hospital.          Clara’s younger sister, Kay, is having surgery on Wednesday. I don’t know for sure how long they will stay around.          Honey, even though I am here I am thinking of you. I know that I miss you no matter where I may be. I know, too, that I love you. I know also that I am still facing, as it were, ghosts. I am sure if I keep looking to the hills I will be o.k. That is what you want for me. I love you……….BILL-EE                               

 

 

1/18/12

Ben I am back with Icy. I came on over here after church. June left soon as I got here. She went back to the hospital to stay with her dad.      Ulmer & Clara left our house at 11:30 a.m. They were going to see Linda and Kay. They also went back to the hospital to visit Milton.      I miss you so very much. I had wanted to get by the cemetery today. It was such a beautiful day, all sun shiny, but it was cold.  Needless to say, I didn’t get out until 5:30. I went by the diner and ate. I bought a plate of food, actually got 2 plates to go. I got those for me and Icy to have for tomorrow.             I am just not doing much of anything lately so I don’t have anything to tell you.      No matter, I want to say I miss you and that I love you very much…………BILL-EE

1/19/12

Honey, I am still with Icy. June is here tonight also. Dale or Bartley is at the hospital with Milton.  Sid visited Milton this morning, then he came by here and visited with me and Icy for awhile. At least he sat here and listened to the talk, mainly Icy talking. Of course, I did put in my two bits worth.  You know how much Sid talks. Other than that the day was uneventful.  I will be going home tomorrow. Allen is coming back tomorrow, so they will be covered.        Honey, I miss you so much. I wish I could express just how much I do miss you. Also I wish I could tell you how much I love you, but I don’t know words to use to say.  So I will just say it again…..I miss you, I love you……………..BILL-EE

I want to write a bit this evening. I am enjoying the work I do at the Academy, I am working on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. I have Mondays for laundry and Friday for cleaning, so it is working out fine.          Honey, sometimes it seems I am doing so well, but then it hits me hard, you are gone from me forever. Then I wonder, how will I make it alone? My heart will ache, it seems as if a big empty and dark hole is there; and not a heart. I wonder also how have I made it these months alone. Only God knows, maybe because when I begin to have the feelings of pain and anguish, I turn to Him for comfort and strength.            It has rained so much again, lately. Today it was cold rain. I am thankful when it rains, I am thankful when the sun shines.           My jaw has been bad the last month or so. Yesterday it started hurting so bad, I couldn't eat or drink anything without the pain attacking me. Then it just stopped, and I had no more pain until this morning. Just me, complaining about something I have no control over. It is hurting now, even as I type this. I am thinking of seeing Dr. Baar again, don't know what he can do...but.           I am going to fix something to eat and try to get it eaten, not before I say I miss you and I love you...............BILL-EE

I am going to write a note tonight. Janelle and J.C. were here again this week end. I enjoy the times they are here. About the only company I ever have. Last month Debbie was here, along with some Mississippi folks. I always loved having company, so did you, honey. I can't tell you of the pain I feel, there is no describing it. I try to never show it, but it is there, even if I do have company.           I will be going to work tomorrow morning. I am enjoying working with those kids, seeing them learn is great.         Sarah Hall will be staying with me this week. David has gone to the Farmers' and is going to CT for some kind of church conference with them.           I need to get in the shower and to bed, so I will not try to write anymore for now. I will truthfully say I miss you so much and I love you.........BILL-EE

Sixteen months since your funeral. The hole has been in my heart, it just want go away. I miss you so much and I love you...........BILL-EE

Today 1/24/13, just 16 months  and one day since your death, 9/23/11. Sixteen months ago we made all the arrangements, and made more telephone calls All four of our children were here. Your young brother and Clara Belle plus my brother Donnie, and Linda, Carla, Ashley, and who else.           I look at your pictures alot. Of course, I see you without looking at pictures. When I think of you, I can see you clearly, I see you as you looked. For instance, if I think of how you loved fishing, I can see how you looked when you came home from fishing. I, sometimes, think of how proud you were that Harold Haynes fished with you. You had quite a few different fishing buddies over the years. The 2 Jims, Randy McBrayer, David Hall, to name a few. Maybe they were most of them. In your younger years, Sid & Ulmer, your brothers fished with you. Also your son has many fond memories of fishing with you. I remember the two or three times I went with you. You remembered them, too. You had a lot of fun when you could tell how I lay down in the bottom of the boat and slept, while you fished. Honey, we had a good life together, I have so many goood memories. I sometimes feel so alone, but thank God I can look to the hills where my help comes from. I miss you, I love you.........BILL-EE

 The day, 9/22/11 started off so good, because you, Ben Miller, could see light. It didn't last long but your attitude was good that day. Bro. Honea brought us some lunch. You did eat a good lunch but didn't, couldn't eat much at dinner time. Actually you went to bed about eight thirty that evening. I don't even like to think about the rest of that night. Your throwing up, deciding to go to ER, they taking x-rays, and all the other. Finally knowing for a certainty that you would be admitted. The going to fifth floor, with a very heavy heart. Watching your blood pressure plummet, begging you to talk to me and all the rest.           I went to cemetery took the Christmas wreath away, put new flowers in the vase, saying how much I miss you and that I love you..........BILL-EE

I didn't get to sleep last night until past two o'clock. It is now twelve forty eight and I am still awake. I was dong fine, in bed a little past eleven. These dates, I started reliving 9/20/11, that is the date I heard you asked the Lord to come and get us, then asked Him to come and get you. I heard you say "I am ready, I am tired." On 9/21/11 you stayed in the bedroom all day. I took the kitchen chair out and put a cushioned, seat and back, in there for you to sit on. I can see you, in my minds eye, sitting in that chair. You ate all three meals in the bedroom. I took my dinner up and ate with you. Oh, Ben  will these dates ever change for me, I wonder.           I have been thinking all day that I want to change out the flowers. at the grave site. I know all the rain we've had those flowers that are there will need to be chunked. I plan to take care of that tomorrow.             I am going to try once again to get to sleep, I really want to go to work this day. For now I will say I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

I haven't written for more than a week again. It has rained "cats and dogs" around here. The sun hasn't shined much this whole month. Today, 1/17/13, it snowed. It was so pretty for awhile. Of course, like always there were spots that began looking slushy. Honey, you know how I could always find something beautiful to show you, after it snowed.            I was looking out the den door and saw a tree that looked so much like Christmas. It was out near 269 Hwy. I know the trees in the front lawn probably was very beautiful, too.       Because of the weather condition I haven't been able to get to the cemetery. I know the flowers have been beaten, wouldn't be surprised, if they have not all been beaten down.          I did something yesterday I haven't done for quite awhile. When I drove by, I called out your name, as before. The hole in my heart is still too big for comfort for me. I did go on to work, and did as good a job as possible. At days end, I talked about you to a lady there. Of course, that brought on the tears. It is said, I have said it many times myself, that time is a healer. Well I am waiting for the time when the pain is not so painful. I hope the little job will be a help. You would be proud of me, for I am, and have been, smiling thru the tears. I miss you, still, sometimes more than is bearable it seems and I love you..........BILL-EE   How I wish I could hear that name called out once more.

I can't believe it has been so long since I wrote on this blog. I have surely thought of you, Ben Miller, but always seemed to be busy at something.         Where do I start? I have been to the cemetery a couple of times. I still slow down pasing by there. Don't ask why? I don't have an answer except I think of you.          It has done alot of raining these last few days. Of course there has been a couple of the most beautiful sunshiny days ever.           I had company this past week-end. Debbie came down, Linda Holifield with Melisha, Jonathan, and their three children were here, too. I really enjoyed having some company, even if it was a short visit.         I went to the Haynes House Monday night, had a good dinner. Harold's mom was there, she had cooked. I spent the night, but came back home yesterday. It is easy to see I am not doing much, just sitting around here like always. I am about to go get in the shower and get dressed for church tonight. Then maybe do a little more cleaning. I do so miss you and I sure do love you. You are the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I had you for more than sixty years, for which I am most thankful. Love you..........BILL-EE. I still miss hearing that call of Bill-ee.

The New Year is here. I went to Church, at twelve o'clock about half of us went to Waffle House and had breakfast. Time for the fast to start. I don't know yet just what I will be doing but I will be fasting some. I enjoyed the breakfast and especially the fellowship. I, of course, thought alot about you as always. I even remembered some of our long ago New Years Eve times.          I surely don't know what the new year holds, but thankful that I do know who holds the new year. I wonder if the ache in my heart will ever heal, how much will this year help?   I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE