Today, Honey, I have been taking cough syrup, some aleve, laying around, eating, drinking, sleeping but I do feel so much better than last evening. I thank the Lord for that. I have missed you terribly, I will lie down on the love seat, it is de ja vue. Is that the way you say it? Ha you would tell me to say it any way I wanted too, I love you Ben. This is one of the few days I didn't go to cemetery, strictly stayed in today. Janelle Spence is supposed to be coming to see me tomorrow, I hope I wake up early tomorrow a.m. I got to sleep early last night and plan to be sleeping within the hour. Oh, Honey, I miss you so. Still don't know which way to turn, so used to talking to you about everything. I keep looking to the hills from whence comes my help. thank God I know to do that, that's what you expect me to do. The pain from losing you is about unbearable at times. It's cold here in the den, you know I never could turn the heater on, so I am heading back up the stairs. 'Fraid we will have a cold winter, you know Sep was cool. Love you...BILL-EE

October 30th already, and I miss you. I spent the night at Lisa's, went to church this a.m., went to eat after church, came home fell asleep, didn't know anything until the clock said 6 p.m. Feeling alot better, fighting off the coughing, have no appetite, need no broncitis again. Now time to say, stop complaining girl and thank the Lord, for those hours of sleep. Ben, ever day that passes I miss you more. You were always there, to listen to me, to say "I love you Bill-ee", I could touch you, I could kiss you.  I will always remember your saying make it lip-o-lated.  Have great memories, a lifetime of living with you brings no complaints, even if you did get up at 2,3,or 4 a.m. to go fishing. You would fish all day, come home stinking and fall asleep... Good thoughts, I never minded you enjoyed that fishing. I am about to try and find something I can eat, go back to bed and sleep "it" off. haha  I love you I miss you, and someday maybe I will quit writing you. Never know what the next day will bring, but know that GOD will be in each day, and I will look unto HIM, He alone understands. Love you.......BILL-EE

I am here earlier than usual because I am planninmg to go to Roebuck church later to their fall festival. Remember we went to a lot of the fall festivals out there. One time you had your fingers in the door and I slammed the door...oooh that hurt you. Once I remember eating butter beans and corn bread, wow we loved that. Any way I am going out there and may decide to spend the night at Lisa's. I told you last night Debbie came down again, spent the night with me. She and I went shopping, I wanted some pots so I can transplant some of the plants into. I still have some rough times, never know when to expect the pain to grab me, it hurts, honey and there's nothing to do for it. (Here I am complaining yet again.) I have to remember that you loved me, and love won't be taken away, just your touch is gone and oh, how I miss that touch. How I loved that touch. It is brrr cold weather again, I am still trying to save on gas, you know how costly it is, especially here. Also the water is outrageous. So many people taking baths here, owe about $60.00 0n the bill I got today. Well nothing to do but pay it, and go on. You know that I love you, you know I did the best I could for you, and wish I could still do for you.......Love you honey........Bill-EE

Ben, Debbie came back down tonight, we just went out to get dinner. I am still working on knowing how to do, what to do. Why did you leave me? Okay, I know you were tired, so was I. I put some pretty fall colored leaves in the vase Ashley and I put at the grave, looked real good at least it is fall. Honey, I know that you can see now, you are not in a world of darkness anymore. I am so glad you can see light again. I will never forget your telling me on Thursday 9/22/11, I see light. When we started walking out of the bedroom you said I could see light before I got up but now it is all black again. My heart broke again, how I wished I could take the blindnes and give you sight. How many times did my heart break? Over and over again, yet now it is broken so bad, without you here it is sad and I don't know how to be, we were one, and now I am just half. How should a half be, so I am trying to learn, God help me is my many daily prayers. Anyway I am so happy to have Debbie here with me I'm not alone tonight, still just a half tho. Miss you so much, hurt so bad, there is no medicine for this hurt, thank you for the prayers you said for me. God heard them and HE will answer them. I love you...... BIL-LEE

Well, here I am again to say honey, I miss you so  much, I love you so, and to say I hurt. Fay and Byron spent the night here. I was talking about doing some more cleaning they started the cleaning. Byron did the vacumning, Fay mopped the kitchen, Byron dusted the ceiling fans. I sat there and wached them, just like I did when Debbie was so busy Sunday with Hamp's old room. Feels good being pampered. Ben both of us being sick last year and again this year, me trying to be a good caregiver to you and take care of myself, I wonder did I do a good enough job for you. I can truthfully say I thought I was doing the best I could, for you, but was I? You always told me I was doing a good job but I was so afraid at times. All I know for sure is, I loved you even when/if you were a grouch and I knew you loved me when I was a grouch. Oh honey, I was so sorry that I got sick, seemed like I didn't have many days that I was breathing good, I wouldn't feel rested, you would have those nights when you up really often...what a year, huh? No matter we were together and we loved each other, I never minded doing for you, just pray I did a good enough job. Getting late I want to try and get to bed earlier tonight...I love you... Bil-lee

Oh goodness, Honey I have gone into Thursday already. Fay and Byron came over this afternoon, took me to dinner, went to church with me. We ate pizza after church, Byron was watching tv, Fay was on computer, so I didn't come downstairs until Thursday early a.m. Went by cemetery, as usual, the day I was afraid would be awful, but 26th I decided I would do some cleaning, Janelle Spence called, then Fay called, then they (the Davis) came over. Somehow I got through the day without too much, how do I say, problem. It seems like such a long time that you have been gone, yet it feels like only a little while. One month ago on the 26th we said goodbye. I miss you so, I love you, I hurt, I scream, I cry, I mope, but I will keep my hope in Jesus. I try to be what I know you would want me to be and keep my smile. I enjoyed the week end with our chrildren hope they will be able to come back soon. Love you........BILL-EE

Ben compared to last night it's early, I haven't eaten dinner yet, don't really want anything. One month ago we walked into the church where you lay. The longest walk I felt like I had ever walked, at the cemetery this evening I was talking about that walk. When I got close enough to see you, I became that young girl, seeing that good-looking sailor, you were so handsome then, and so handsome laying there. You sometime looked as if you were smiling. Melisha youngest son, told them you were smiling. He wondered what you smiling about. I have had a  looong month, mostly alone. It seems as if it as been a long time, yet only yesterday. I keep reminding myself that now you see again, now you can shout on the streets of glory. Everyone keeps saying you are looking down on me, yet I wonder!!!!!!are you so gloriously happy in heaven do you even think about earth or anything, anyone on it? Now you can see your first love, Jesus. Guess I want to think you are seeing me, but you always told me I was second, Jesus first, in your heart. That was fine with me, how I wanted it to be. I don't know yet how I can make it, but with the help of God, I have to. That's what you would want me to do. I love you, I miss you...Goodnight Love.... BILL-EE

Well Honey, I am a little late tonight. I went to cemetery, on to Winn-Dixie for medicine, then decided to go over to the academy to take all those pads, Sis Honea and I started talking she wanted us to go out to eat, so we went to Cracker Barrel, ate, drank coffee, and talked. That's why I am so late, it has been awhile since I sat with someone and had conversation, I enjoyed our time together, she let me talk about you and me, our lives the past, especially, couple of years. You were sick, I had a bout of broncitis then pneumonia this year, so we neither felt "tops" all the time, but we made it, didn't we? I love you and I miss you more and more. I sometimes say, "Lord how will I make it without my Ben"? God only knows, I sure don't. All my life I've heard where there's a will, there's a way, but I don't know the way yet, keep praying and hoping I suppose. I've written a long "note" tonight, oh Ben I miss you so much. God help me through another a night..... BILL-EE

Ben, it's Sunday night now, and I am alone missing you more not less. I didn't go to church this a.m. Debbie and Duane were here and Duane couldn't go, so I stayed home with them, I wanted all the time possible to be with them. I have plenty of  time to be alone. I did go to church tonight though. I thought "boy, Ben would love this, old fashioned out of song book songs." Sis Honea said she thought that, too, Bro Ben would love this. I could just see you clapping your hands, as only you could do. I miss hearing you praying, talking to the Lord. I would hear you, go into the room and say what did you say, honey, your answer "not talking to you, talking to the Lord." Oh, how I miss you, so many things I miss. Things you say, or just knowing you were sitting there. Today Duane said, it isn't right, we always knew that dad was in his chair. They missed you too, they said they were so happy they had those five weeks with you January/February, when I was in hospital and rehab. I missed you then, but now I feel empty, your not being here with me. Ben, honey, I love you...and in your words, more than I can say.. Love you, love you,love you....BILL-EE

Here I am again, Honey, it seems like I can't think of ending a day without saying I love you. The day has been nice, Debbie and Duane are here, The Spence's came over for awhile, Lisa met us for dinner, she is still here at the house, filling out forms. Anyway, honey, I love you and I miss you, and I still hurt. Trying to take it one step at a time. Still praying for God.s Grace, I know HE will be my help, I know you can see again, I have to keep reminding myself. I love you......BILL-EE

Ben it is cold.....I miss you, I love you. Debbie and Duane came down for  the week-end. I will enjoy them, but I keep thinking how very much you enjoyed it, when they would come down. Of course you always enjoyed anyone coming. I am trying to figure how to heat this house without all the gas we always seemed to use. I am still "hanging" in here, it was so  much easier when I was "hanging" in with you. It is chilly  down here in the den, and I don't want to have to turn the heat on down here just yet. I love you, you will always be my Ben, wish I could  curl up on your lap once more, or rub your head, or both.   BILL-EE

Ben Honey, I decided to take a nap this afternoon(late), it seemed so natural, as I curled up on the love seat. That's how I napped, you knew I was there with you. I come apart sometimes, remembering, but that memory felt good. After I took Butch to get his truck, I looked at a new store in Fairfield, ate at the diner, stopped at cemetery then came on home. I didn't much like eating alone, we used to stop there alot to eat on Sundays. You always wanted roast beef. Honey I love you ad oh how I miss you. No one will ever know, I know what you would say to me about eating, sleeping and  the whole nine yards. Love you......BILL-EE

Ben Ashley did this blog for me so I could write you, just want to say it is so lonely here without you, every way I turn, brings you. I hurt, Ben, so all I can do sometimes is scream and scream. I miss you so very much. I went to church tonight, miss you so there. Watching you worship, hearing your halleujah's, I wonder how, Lord, how will I make it thru another night and day. I know you prayed alot for me the last few weeks of your lfe, I don't want to disappoint you, but most of all I don't want to disappoint our God. I can still hear you saying to me, "I love you, next to Jesus, HE is my first love, you are next". Honey, I love you and miss you. It is cold tonight, I am all alone. I live in the living room and kitchen. Thanks for all the prayers you said for me. miss you.....BILL-EE

Ben I still want to say I love you, I will be alright. I know to look unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. Miss you

Oct. 17, 2011

Ben, I'm saying I love you and I miss you. Why do I want to write you each night, evening, don't know can't say. Maybe because the last thing at night was I love yous, I miss that. So I keep writing, as if you will read it, we'll see what the future holds. Love you....BILL-EE

Oct. 16, 2011

Ben, How I miss you. I have been thinking today that satan would steal my smile, seems he is after it, but I know just as I have to guard my heart, I will work hard to guard my smiles. I know that is what you would want for me to do, but oh me the pain is dreadful, and I am really having to struggle to keep myself going. As I told Sis Honea today, I have to "go on" someway in honor of my Lord and savior, and to honor my husband. Help me, Lord Jesus to remember my own sermons, that I preach to myself as I talk to you. I love you so much and miss you. God help me. BILL-EE

Oct. 15, 2011

Ben, here I am to send you my daily "living without Ben" Left the house, I am at Lisa's. I walked around the stores with Lisa and Ashley, they shopped.This evening I went with Lisa to a wedding. I will get up tomorrow and drive to church. I am glad I went out, but nothing changes, I still miss you so much, at home away from home, anywhere and everywhere I miss you. I am going to try and sleep now. I love you. How do one learn to live alone after so many years with the same person?

Oct. 14, 2011 @ 6:44 p.m.

Ben a little early to be writing, haven't eaten yet, don't know what I'll eat. Not ever hungry but I promised myself I would eat regardless, know that you would want me to eat. You were forever telling me to eat. I ate most of a chicken pot pie yesterday, took me a few times eating but I made it. Been working on the checkbook, don't know how I balanced last month. Remember what a time I had, Honey I miss you so much, I never knew such pain, I remember hearing you pray all during the day, I knew you prayed for me, oh to hear BILL-EE.Love you

Oct. 14, 2011 @ 1:03 a.m.

I went to bed, sleep wouldn't come, the pain is so bad. Tried to read some words others had written who had lost a husband. I felt even worse, reading about others pain. Ben it's so hard sometimes (all the time, really). What does one do? I think I am doing great, then the pain starts all over again.I don't hear your voice, oh how I miss the Bill-ee, just to hear you call me one more time. Couldn't know there was this kind of pain. So I sit, wondering why, I love you still and wish I could call back some more time.....You were one great person Ben Miller, now I am alone, you wouldn't like that but I know that's how it'll be. Pain go away......

Oct. 13, 2011

This is for me to remember.....my walls have crumbled.....God help me to rebuild them.

Ben, it is already past 10 p.m. I worked on the check book this evening. I should not have tried anything this month. You know how I would find that penny I had lost. Well sure didn"t do so good today. I'll get it done somehow. Downstairs working on the ckbk, it seemed so natural, you up here in your chair and me hurriedly trying to do my job. I have slept too much today, got to quit that. I do miss you so very much, Why did you have to leave me? I love you.

Oct. 12, 2011

Honey, I made it to church tonight, you would be so proud of me. Service about the "poor in Spirit", you would have liked it your kind of sermon. Today wasn't so bad, I took a dose of cough medicine this a.m. late. Then I sat down on couch, after a bit I lay my head down, heard the lady (talking clock) say it's 2 p.m., next thing I know, I awake and it was 4:20 p.m. guess I needed the extra sleep,... I sure got plenty. Ben I miss you so much, don't know how to handle this, but with God's help maybe I can handle it with some kind of "grace" I pray so. I have always prayed for grace or tht I could always be graceous, don't know about all that, but I know I need God's help more than ever before. Oh God, help me, Love you My Ben, my heart.

Oct. 11, 2011

Ben I know that I'll always miss you, but I do not ever have another day like yesterday. I forgot to listen to my own sermon, that life continues on and MY GOD is still MY GOD, thinking only how bad it hurts, and not doing what you & I always did. Once I began thanking and praising the LORD, I let it hurt but it wasn't near as it had been. I was thanking of how now you can see again.....and walk like the old Ben.....as I began thanking the Lord for that, it was as if my eyes opened again. Not saying I will not have those days again, but I will keep my eyes open and hear my own sermon again. Dr. Dumas gave me another big shot of antibiotic. I tried talking him out of that, but he said we can't have pneumonia!!!! I am going to try and get a good night of sleep. I love you sweetheart, sitting here as always, I kept thinking "I hear music" I had sat here so many nights with you listening to music, it'll be okay, I may get scared to death, but I will "saddle up" once more. I love trying to write you a note, I told Debbie I was finishing the books I had to read to you, but i will read them aloud......in honor of BEN MILLER.

Oct. 10, 2011

Dear Jesus, I hope this is not how it will be every night I am asking you to help me stay stable. Now I wonder what daylight will bring, do not want to sleep all day, you know, slept about close to 3 hrs,will not complain. Not that I covet being alone, I just want to be at home. Lord Jesus you understand, Don't you? I need to be able to sleep all night I don't want to go to don't care, I won't to care, as always, Maybe the cough syrup will help out this time, but as always I need YOU, tell Ben I love him and I miss him but now he can see, walk, and will not be tired anymore. I love you, Jesus.

Oct. 9, 2011 @ 10:25 p.m.

So many things on my mind. Ben especially, Honey I still am awake, I need sleep most of all. Did I tell you Lisa took me to the Docter today? On the sheets you have to fill out, one question was why are you here? my answer my daughter kept insisting, Lisa told the Dr, she thought it was funny, I have broncitis, that's why I do need to sleep. So I wrote you again,,,,love you,miss you

Oct. 9, 2011 @ 9:12 p.m.

Ben here I am,I thought I would fall asleep like I did yesterday don't know why I couldn't. I got up for a drink, lay down again I can not get to sleep, now I am beginning to fret. So much to get done, and how will I get it done? Sorry honey, I sort of had a habit passing everything by you. Not liking this, not sleeping I feel like oh,oh,oh, get up and do something. I know what needs to be done, but I am having a time here getting this little bit done. For now I will say I miss you so much...but can not get my note done.....Love you BIL LIE

Oct. 8, 2011

Ben I am sick been in bed most all day. My first night alone. I did eat a few bites peanut butter and a few bites og cottage cheese...proteins you know. I am hanging in here. Love you much and much.

Oct. 7, 2011

Ben, hi again just want to say I love you!!!! I am still at Lisa's, but need to head home. Oh, but you would be growling at me. I will be careful, promise. How long does it hurt? The same old question. Don't know, but I do know time is a healer. I love you and miss you......BIL LIE

Oct. 6, 2011 @ 8:35 p.m.

It's so hard, it should get easier, but when? I still can hear your BIL LIE, when you needed something. Ben My Ben I love you.

Oct. 6, 2011 @ 8:31 p.m.

Ben I drove out to Lisa's and Harold's, remember how I would put my hand over on your leg when I was driving? I reached over to touch you, guess what? You were not there, it's going to be hard driving but I remember, as you would say "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I love you

Oct. 5, 2011

Honey we just got home from church and pizza. I'm thinking about a few weeks ago when you ate 4 slices......woohoo.... The car is fine, we had to take it for a once over, you know Tot. Guess what? T.C. works there, where we took the car. He remembered me, he did alot of good things for us and Hamp. Both T.C. and Dale helped us out several times. Anyway, Honey, he says the only thing better would have to be a brand new car. I am encouraged. I miss you so much...will the hurt ever go away? I love you. Bi l l ie

Oct. 4, 2011

Ben, Lisa had to finally go back to work, Debbie came back she is here with me now. We made our trip to cemetery, ate dinner, now I'm writing you. I'll see dr. tomorrow about toes. Honey, I miss you so much, we would have made it someway, with God's help, when I start thinking this way I can still hear you saying "Come on Jesus, I am ready I'm tired" then I have to know HE answered your prayer, and came for you. How I"ll make it alone, don't know. There will be a way. Love you, miss you.

Oct. 3, 2011

Well honey another day, it's been one week now since we laid you to rest. Have I rested? think of you too much, Lisa got med for me from Dr. Dumas, yes I have been taking it, surprised? By the way Dr. Dumas called me Thurs or Fri to ask how I am doing, thought that was nice of him. OUR children wanted me to take the med so I'm wanting them not to worry about their mom, especially since they just laid you to rest. I'm making it moment by moment.I'll always love you and I miss you so very much.......oh, Tot bought me a small car(Honda)today. Just thought I'd let you know.

Oct. 2, 2011 @ 8:38 p.m.

Ben another day has come and now about gone, I will try to get in bed before 1pm tonight. I know what you'd say about me being up so late. I miss you, Honey the past 2 or 3 weeks were so hard for you andd for me, but I never thought about you really being sick. You were always such a strong person, but you endured so much, only you,me, and God knew just exactly how much you did endure. I'll love you forever, and cherish our years together so much.

Oct. 2, 2011 @ 12:18 a.m.

Another day has passed since you left me Ben Miller. I still am wondering how will I make it without my Ben? God knows. I can't help feeling a little scared when I find myself totally alone. Then I want to yell at you for leaving me, yet I still feel so much love for you, that I would only hold you close and remember hearing you asking Jesus to come and telling HIM "I am so tired" Honey I'll try to be as brave as you believed me to be, yet I needed you so much. I love you.

Oct. 1, 2011

Ben, my heart, the girls(Lisa&Debbie)today and last night with Donnie's and Ashley's help has made changes in our house. Not taking you out but trying to make it so I can live here, couldn't leave it all the same as before you left me. If you could see it you would like it. Lisa said he does see it mom, I love you, am thanking God for the years, months, and days we had. I lost a day somewhere, so it really had been 60 yrs,9mos, and 13 days. I somehow didn't go into 9/23, for days. love you.

Sept. 29, 2011

Ben I know you are in such a better place, you can see and walk, and never have to quit praising the Lord, I miss so much hearing your thank yous to Jesus. How I'll make it I don't know....but you showed me strength and courage....so I will work hard not to be a disappointment to you, I'll always love and cherish you honey.

Sept. 28, 2011

I miss Ben so much. I should be cooking breakfast or finishing with the cleanup of breakfast. My life may never be the same. I love him.

Sept. 24, 2011

The love of my life went to be with Jesus on 9/23/11. I will forever miss him.