I have written well over 300 notes to you. Looking back over them I find some of them to be boring. Others of them I find that crushes my heart over and over, as if it doesn't crush all over again each day.        I really do think many times, is it possible that I am not letting you rest in peace? I do not know I only know that I miss you and that I love you.         Ten months ago today I was totally oblivious to about everything except the fact that the wonderful man I had spent most of my life with had gone from me. I felt (still do feel) totally lost, not knowing what to do with myself or what to do about the things that need to be taken care of. This time each month I feel more alone than ever. Thinking of all the things that had to be done and thinking that you were gone from me forever. My consolation is always knowing that you had a great love for our Lord, and that now you are not blind and you can walk as you once did. I came by the cemetery today. I did a load of laundry. Nothing else much did I do.         Janelle and J.C. left out early this a.m. They always get up and slip out, trying not to disturb me.        I hate being alone today and tonight but I will hang in there "like an old rusty fish hook" your famous words.     I love you and I miss you.........BILL-EE