Nov 30, 2011

Ben, I just home. After church I went out to eat with David, Sarah, and Jared Hall. We went to Applebees, in Bessemer. It is past 11:30, we ate a full meal. It was a good time. We four have had a year, with Jan's death and yours. We are all surviving, with the Lords help. Last night and today hasn't been easy for me, I think of you all the time. I sometimes get to thinking what could I have done better to make things easier for you. Sometimes it is why did I do this or that or why didn't I do something else. Makes everything even more painful. Makes my missing you so much worse. Honey I don't know how to put my thoughts down, but I think you could get the picture. Tomorrow is the Sears Retiree Christmas luncheon and yes, I am going Lord willing. Debbie will be down to go with me. I am looking forward to it and yet I am kind of dreading it. It will be the first, I have seen all those people. I saw quite a few at your visitation service and at the funeral service. I just don't want anyone to think they shouldn't ask questions or to tiptoe around me. I'll write in the next note and tell you how it goes. It is late and cold and icy, the heating unit is coming on, even set on 65 degrees. Whoa, cold!!!! Honey I love you and I miss you...........BILL-EE

Nov 29, 2011

Honey, I miss you, even tho I am staying busy, I do know you are not here. Today I did laundry, put the roomba out to vacumn, and started working on doctor, hospital, medicines, and ambulances bills. That is a job. I did the same as last time wrote a lot of medicine bills, I finally decided to call Winn-Dixie for a print out on what we had bought. Should have thought to do that beforehand. I even cooked a (brunch) for myself, fixed bacon, eggs, grits, and biscuits. The kind of breakfast you wanted daily minus the grits. Maybe I will eventually improve.It has turned ..brrrrr.cold, trying to save on gas so I am using electric heaters. I hope that will help. I have already eaten dinner, chicken & dumplings, a frozen thing. They were not too bad, filling for sure. The rain, now the cold today has kept me inside I hate to get out in the cold, causes me to not be able to breathe good. I need to mask my mouth when it is real cold when I go outside. I am about to get a shower, put on pjs, maybe read for a little while. It is not easy doing anything, knowing you are not here, easier to sit down do nothing, but I know that is not what you would want for me. Ben how I wish I had forgotten about the stupid toes that Thursday evening. I wish I had stayed right there in bedroom with you. I know you had things you wanted to tell me. I realize it now, but how could I know that you were so sick, and that would be your last night. These kind of things haunts me sometimes, but I do know, life goes on and God is still God and HE is good, ALL THE TIME. Honey I love you, love you, love you..BILL-EE

Nov.28, 2011

Ben, I am writing my daily note to you. First off I want to say I miss you so. I went into the bedroom today to do some dustng, changed the sheets on the beds, and vacumned. As I was working in there, so many things came to  mind. Only showed me  I will definitely keep sleeping, living in the living room. We had some of the best days of our lives, but so many of our days this year, especially, were very trying. Nothing ever stopped us from loving each other. I know that love kept us both going. Honey, I know how you were always concerned about my welfare, even as I was concerned about yours. I just could not/would not see that you needed medicine. I had just begun to realize how depressed you were. I had told you I was going to call the Dr. and talk to him about it. I don't know, except, that I cared so much why I didn't realize sooner how much you may need something to take. Doesn't help now, because you have left me. Left me alone, even if you did care if I was out after dark alone. You could be a "worry wart" about that. Now I am alone in the day and at night whether at home or out driving. I promised you I would be careful and I am trying to be. Soon will be Christmas, going to be a sorrowful time for me. Don't know yet what I will do at Christmas, whatever I do you will be in my thoughts because I love you........BILL-EE

Nov 27, 2011

I made it to church this a.m., altho it was raining hard. It rained all day. Lisa came over. I had brought the heater they bought me for Christmas. It was in the trunk of the car, she brought it in and got it set up. She then hung new curtains I had bought for the 2 bath rooms and a shower curtain I had got. Honey I went to church again tonight, after church I went with Sis Honea to Dairy Queen, they were closed so we went on to Arby's, ate a sandwich visited for awhile, then on home. It is so nice being able to go out for a sandwich after church. We always did, most of the time. Now that The Honeas live by the academy Sis Honea likes to go out, it is so nice to have fellowship. I went with David and Sarah Hall after morning service. We had a good time. No matter what I do, or who I am with, it doesn't lessen how I feel. I still miss you so much, the pain is still there, slowly but surely, I am learning to live alone. Just when I think I am doing so great, I will remember something that brings the pain. Happens all the time, but I keep thinking how you would want me to be. That helps me some. Honey I am going to bed hopefully to sleep. Not before I say Ben Miller I miss you and I love you so much..............BILL-EE

Nov 26, 2011

Honey, I miss you, I love you. I am home, again. I can't believe I have been home for only three nights this past week. Ready to settle down now for awhile.Lisa & I went to the Dardens yesterday, spent the night, Duane came over there this a.m. and we four had a great day. I wish Dialyn could have been there, but oh well we don't always get every thing we want. Honey it was not easy being there, a lot of memories there, too. We went to Deb's and Tot's quite a bit over the years. I actually had forgotten that we were there in May 2011. We were there on your birthday this year. Some reason I kept thinking it was 2010 when we had been there for your birthday. Sharon had bakeed a cake, Duane and Michelle had come to your party. Carmen and Abigail came over also. Carmen had brought goodies and what else? Spinach dip for one thing. There are memories ( a lot) for when we would go to GA. Debbie would always let their kids know that we would be there. They usually came over for awhile to see us. Ben our life together was a good life, we had no complaints, we always talked about how God had blessed us.Much more than we ever deserved. Memories to cling to, Lisa and Harold, the good meals they used to prepare for us. You loved the fried cabbage Lisa fixed. No, we never had a reason to complain, we only counted our blessings.  Oh, I miss you and love you so much........BILL-EE

Nov 25, 2011

Finally made it to the Dardens. Lisa came with me, she wound up driving all the way. It was a nice drive we did a lot of talking, some crying, and laughing, a lot of remembering. Honey, I have spent already 2 nights away from home, this will be the 3rd night this week, I feel a little homesick now. Sharon is bringing Duane by tomorrow a.m. when she starts to work. We will have a good visit, only wish Dialyn could be here. I went by the cemetery, took a little something (Christmas) to replace the fall leaves I had put there. Sure will be glad when your marker gets in, Mr. Nuckles says some time they come in within a week, sometime it may take 3,4, or even 5 weeks. We will have to wait and see how long it is going to take. I miss you so, the house is empty without you there, but I do know you are in a place of paradise now. No more darkness, you can see. No more walker, you can walk. I try hard to accept that, it is not easy having you gone. The pain, inside of me, is not at all easy to live with. I know the only way I can keep going is to lean on the everlasting arms of God. I love you and miss you...........BILL-EE

Nov.24, 2011

Honey I got through my first Thanksgiving  without you, it wasn't easy, but I keep "hangimg in there". I will be staying at Lisas again then on Friday will go on to Debbies. Went to Sulligent with the Haynes', they had alot of food, all the Weeks family had their annual feast. After there we went to the Haynes, stayed until after 8 o'clock, Lisa took me, Butch, and Rylan to their house, she and Ashley left to shop. I am tired, my crazy feet hurt, so to bed, not without saying, how will I get through these days without you. I miss you so much, I love you.......BILL-EE

Nov. 23, 2011

For real honey, it has been 2 months. I went by the cenetery, I felt so weak. I had to think of something fast, so I began remembering how handsome you were, even after you left me. I still love you, but nothing new about that. I am at Lisas, I am going to Sulligent with them tomorrow for Thanksgiving. They are taking a boston butt, the best I ever tasted, Lisa made her chicken and rice to take. My first Thanksgiving without you, all I can do is say, Lord help me get through the day. The missionary lady left this a.m., she was going to her home in TN for Thanksgiving. She was very encouraging. You would have liked her. She had a very good testimony. How do I feel, wish I could figure how to put into words, my feelings. Guess I will never know myself how to do that. All I know for sure is I miss you so much and I love you. This is a short note tonight but I need to say Happy Thanksgiving to a few more people. I love you.......BILL-EE

Nov. 22, 2011

Honey, It is soon going to be wednesday. The reason I am so late is this, we had church tonight. A lady missionary, a thankful testimony service. After church I took the missionary out to eat. She is here at the house with me. Sunday night Bro Honea ask me if she could stay here with me tonight. This a.m. he invited her to come on to the church, they were having thanksgiving lunch for the academy. He called me , told me she would be there at 12 to eat lunch so I should come on over to eat, and bring her on to the house. That is how this day has gone. The missionary lady is a great lady, she had a brain tumor, she was healed about a week before she was to have surgery. Anyway honey, it has been good for me to have her here, we have talked. Of course I have talked about you, she says she feels like she knows you. I was dreading to day, I still have tomorrow to get through, but I will make it. The photo of my saluting the chief, when he gave me the flag, showed up again today. He is submitting a collage of photos made that day to the Navy All magazine. He wants the photo of him and me so he can frame it to put with his other service photos. I can see that big old smile break out on your face, as I know it would, if you knew this. Ben I love you, I miss you, but God has everything in control. I can not control what happens, just as you couldn't, doesn't stop me from loving you or missing you. Tonight I just feel thankful for all the time we had together and that I can still say I love you............BILL-EE

Oh my, Ben, my Ben, Today has not been the best. I wake up thinking how "Chipper" you were that morning 2 months ago. How you said I see light, then when we started out of the bed room you said I saw light. Now all is darkness again, my heart broke again for you. I knew I had medicine to pick up, took my prescription inhalant to get refilled. I shopped a little there, talked to Jenny, then went to Dinner Plate to eat. I don't enjoy eating alone but I knew it would be o.k. for 2 meals today. I then went to Wal-Mart saw Ricky Seagle, we talked for awhile. (He even said he had read all my notes to you when they were on fb and had been inspired.) After walking all over that store, doing some shopping, mostly looking, I started back home. The pain was still so bad, thinking about that day, 9/22/11. So I cried, I screamed, cried some more, screamed some more, all the way home and for awhile after I got home. When I unloaded the car, I got in the buick for the first time, drove around. I had forgotten how smooth that car is still. You can know I am still hurting, I am dreading tomorrow. I really don't know what to do with myself. My days were spent caring for you, now I don't know what to do with me. I think I had told you that Ashley had sent a video of Rylan saying "I love you, MawMaw". He still will ask about PawPaw. I hope he will never forget you. Honey, I miss you so, I love you. I was so glad I had stopped at the cemetery as I started out. It looked like rain, besides it was dark when I got home, but I cain't scream when at the cemetery.  I guess I will learn to live with the pain... God is my Help. I love you.........BILL-EE

Ben, I love you. Sunday, made it to church, drove from The Haynes this morning. Ate lunch at the Honeas today, wow, good food. The way I've eaten lately made it better than good. Roast beef, rice, gravy, carrots, english peas, chicken pasta, sweet potatoes, potato salad, deviled eggs, pear salad, and for dessert peach cobbler, and ice cream. Yummy good, of course I couldn't eat all I wanted to I fill up to fast. Honey that is the kind of food you loved, sorry this year I didn't feel much like cooking or doing other chores I normally enjoyed doing. I did get by the cemetery today, did not see your pet squirrel. Guess it was taking a rest day, after all it was sunday. We had a good service tonight, we sing out of the song book, had testimony service, good fellowship with one another and with the Lord. Sis Honea wanted ice cream so she and I west to Dairy Queen (again). A couple of the ladies came along and we had more good fellowship. I was telling them about how you would "give me orders" at time, and how I would tell you when you pay me a salary you can boss me around. It was the tone of voice you used. So I have busy, but I still miss you so much. I am home now and thinking I may try for an early night. My day has been good but also has been rough on me. I love you.........BILL-EE

Ben Miller, I love you. today has been a good day, I didn't do much. I showered, dressed, and drove to Lisa's. Lisa and I went to Joe and Linda's 40th anniversary party. It was nice, we really enjoyed ourselves. Linda came in the church, she was surprised, and especially surprised to see me and Lisa there. Joe said that made her day. Hard to think about them being married for 40 years. My, you looked so young in the picture and so handsome. Remember we were Linda's parents, you walked her down the aisle. I asked them if they remembered our 60th anniversary. Joe said yes, I did the service, remember? You were still a handsome groom, in your tuxedo. I am still at the Haynes. going to spend the night. I will get up in the morning and leave here for church. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, it will be my first one without you, I can't imagine trying to get through the day. I know what you would say, "God will help you", please Lord do help me. I pray each for that help, the only way I can get through from day to day. I miss you so much, Think of you of our days together. Oh Honey, how I miss you, how I love you.........BILL-EE

Honey My day has been good, except for those times when my thoughts of you causes my heart to shatter again. Sometime I wonder how much more my heart can bear, but I do know God doesn't put more than we can bear, He gives a way of escape. At times the phone will ring, for me that is a way to escape. I could not answer it but I know it's ringing because right then I need a distraction. Guess I"ll probably go with Lisa, and come back home with her. I probably will go to Debbie's on Friday then back home on Saturday. Of course, that is all subject to change.  I went by the cemetery today, like I do most days, it seems I should be taking something with me, I do, my love. Then I went on to the bank, went by Winn-Dixie to take something back. I thought I was buying hair spray, turns out it was mousse, which I didn't need.  I took it back. I stopped at Arby's got a sandwich, which I didn't care much for, you would have liked it. My nights are so filled with thoughts of you, as are my days. I remember so much, after all we had been living together quite a few years, been awhile since our nest was empty. I bought some therapy (lavender) to bathe in, looking forward to trying it. I may even light a candle or two. Can you imagine? I love you Ben Miller, going to call Milton check on Icy, then try my therapy. Love you........BILL-EE

Whooo it turned cold last night, after an almost summer day yesterday. I started to ride over to the cemetery, but I was getting cold so I talked myself out of going. Honey I need you here to help me make decisions, for one thing. I need you here, calling me up the stairs, I just still do need you. You would be proud of me because of how, I think, I have been getting a few things done.  Still got alot to do, got to do some dusting here in the den, been awhile. I think Allison did it last time it was done.  I still don't know about Thanksgiving, I do not want to go off for any period of time. I am still feeling like staying close home, it's like this old house we lived in for these past 29 years kind of wraps me up. Do you understand Honey? I don't really understand exactly how I feel myself, but it is like this house understands me. I guess maybe because we were here together for all those years. We went through your surgeries, we have gone through a lot of hospital stays, together. I never would leave you, I felt I needed to be with you, to know for myself how you were doing. Oh, so much we did together in those (over) 60 years

well Honey, here I am again, with my daily "note" to you. I think of you all the time, missing you all the time. Sometimes I start thinking about your last couple of weeks, then about your last night. It is so rough when I think of that last night especially. It seems my heart shatters again and again. Ben Bro. Honea told me tonight that he had prayed for us and about our situation a few weeks before, he said he had prayed, Lord Bro Ben is sick,  Sis Miller is so frail don't know what their answer is. He heard from the Lord, I'm going to take care of them. My eyes filled with tears, remembering how you would say,  "Billie I'm afraid you're going to die". Bro Honea said you were afraid , that's why you would call me all the time. Even in restaurants you would call BILL-EE, you wanted to know that I was close. If I was gone some place, you would still call me, you were going to know where I was at all times. Guess you were afraid, you would probably think if somthing happened to me...what would happen to you. Ben, honey we had some very good times, we also had some very rough times, but we were together.  Being together made every thing all right, we could "hang in there", now I am alone, you left me. Sweetheart you are not afraid anymore, now you can see, walk, fish, whatever you do, you aren't missing me, I know you are happy and I am working on my grief as I think you would want me to do. Above all else, you wanted me to be alright. I just wanted you with me, as you wanted me with you.    I got David Nuckles to fax something to VA today, working on getting it all taken are of. I am also working on taking care of me as you would tell me to do. I love you........BILL-EE

Honey, it is earlier than I usually write my note to you but I am downstairs. I just took out the garbage, time to take it up to the street. I decided to write my note now as I probably won't come back down here. It is easier to type on this big key board than the lap top board. Enough of that, the day has been okay, I polished the furniture in the living room, put the roomba in there to vacumn. I needed to make a few calls so I did that. I called Leola about the Sears retiree christmas luncheon. Didn't know she could talk so much. I wonder if she worked at the warehouse or the store. Anyway the luncheon is 12/4, I am planning to go to it. We always enjoyed the luncheons each month, you usually won a prize, at the Dec luncheon. Now it is time to get some food for dinner, then shower time, then what? Seems no matter what time I decide to lie down at night, I always hear it's 12 o'clock p.m. Lots of time I will hear it's 1 o'clock a.m. No need to go to bed early, I don't go to sleep. I miss you so. I am still trying to "live" without my Ben, not easy, but God is my helper in all things. It would be about time of month to get your blood work done, I know you were so tired of that monthly blood work. I sometimes wondered how you stood it, that last time it really did seem to hurt you. When you hurt, I hurt, because my heart would break seeing you have to go through so much. Now my heart is crushed, shattered to pieces, and I wonder how to go on. I love you, I miss you.........BILL-EE

Ben it has been an uneventful day, as usual. Got over anxious, couldn't remember if Lisa had the measles or not, didn't have you to ask. I have missed you as always today.  When I got up this a.m. I decided I'd mop the kitchen, which I did. Someone had told me I could probably wash the chair cusions (kitchen). I tried, it didn't work, decided to toss them visit Wal-Mart for more, which I did. I even fixed pasta salad, such a big bowl full and you know how I hate tossing food. So many people going hungry and I am throwing so much food away, breaks my heart. What can I do? I went to cemetery today, as I usually do. Wish I could sit down and stay longer, afraid to sit down, may not be able to get up. I can hear you now, "Billie be careful, you need to take care of yourself. O how I miss you, miss your trying to watch out for me. I'd say you did good considering you were blind and could walk, only on the walker. Me, walking backward, to guide you; we always made it tho thank God. Tomorrow I will put the rumba in the living room to vacumn, trying to be a little productive. Who knows, I may not be able to get it together, besides no one knows what tomorrow may bring. I only know that I will love you tomorrow as I love you today. Talked to Debbie sat., Duane sun., Dialyn today and Lisa 3 or 4 times today. Yes, I love you today and miss you........BILL-EE

Here I am, Honey, to say I love you, to tell you that I miss you. I am still living at home, I'm alone, you would not be happy about that but I am fine. I live in the living room and kitchen. I am not afraid, I feel like your angel is still close by, that makes me a priviledged person.  I went to church this morning, went with David and Sarah Hall to eat. Sarah said she was thinking about Pizza Hut pizza, not my choice I would have prefered bacon and eggs. We went for pizza, Vicki and Zoey went with us. I got home before 3o'clock, lay down for about an hour, got up and went back to church. Tonight after church went with the Honeas, David, Vicki, Zoey, Aubrey to Dairy Queen, I ate a banana split. I remembered the times I would say to you lets go get a banana split. You and I would usually get one and split it, we neither one could eat a whole one. They are not as large as they used to be, me and Sis Honea both finished off one, I couldn't ask for a doggie bag so I ate it all. Yum it was good. Sis Honea ate all of hers, too, Bro Honea said he figured he might get a bite, at least. So that about sums up my sunday, thought of you all day, as I always do. oh, how I miss you, you never said much but you were there. How many times did you go out when you would've rather come home, I knew you did it for my sake and it made me love you even more. How I miss you, I cannot tell, it is so much. I love you honey..........BILL-EE

Ben, I love you, I miss you. Don't know what to do with myself, so many times. without you here. I could say all the time. The pain is so hurtful sometimes(most of the time). I do keep on going, most of the time. I am glad to be alone, most of the time. I also enjoy my living, most of the time, all of the time, because I do know life goes on and GOD is still GOD. All of the time. The trip with the ladies, only 4 of us went. It was very enjoyable, I tried to stay relaxed all day . I think I did a good job of it. I bought me a Christmas gift. Got red slippers to go with my red sleeping gear Debbie bought last year. I found a red turban thing or whatever it's called. Our children wants me to keep something to put on  my head if I get out and it's cold and windy......so.  Came by the cemetery, couldn't stay long, kept thinking of my bad night last night. I have many good memories so I try to get my mind on them and not dwell on how it hurts. I kept thinking of all those years we would get up at 4 a.m. go to the church, pray for an hour, go back home sleep for an hour. That was the best sleep I'd have all night. Good ole days, huh? We had some very good days together for many years, for which I am so thankful. Trying to get to bed earlier so I won't sleep late in the a.ms.I miss you I love you more than I can say...........BILL-EE

Well Honey I'm here again to write you a note to say I love you, I miss you more than I can say. Fay and Bryon left today sometime a little after noon, so I am alone again. I don't mind, I love company, but for so long it was you and me, now it's mostly just me. You were so much my life, especially the past couple of years. Honey, I truly was sorry that you lived in a world of darkness. My heart broke over and over again yet you felt bad about your condition, you carried on as a trooper. I was proud of the way you handled yourself even tho it was always dark for you. I feel bad that I couldn't help you better, but I did the best I could or knew how to do. We had our bad times lately, but we were neither one "up to par" I believe we did good under our circemstances.  It is still early, a litle past 8, I am hoping to get to bed and asleep early tonight. Going to go to eat tomorrow a.m. then going to Boaz for awhile, hoping for a good time. I know I will think of you, as I always do. I love it when I think of some of our fun times, we did have them, fun times, it was funny when Lisa & I pointed our fingers at your sides. Man you were so ticklish, we didn't dare tickle you as you had been known to slap people who touched your sides. Wow! it wasn't exactly fun to you but you would let us have our laughs, then you'd say, "that's enough now" we knew we had better not point at you anymore. Sweetheart I miss you I love you and oh, how I wish I still had you with me.....BILL-EE

Honey I love you. Fay and Byron were here early this a.m. This afternoon we went to wal-Mart, got the car washed, came home, fixed dinner, ate, now I am writing your note. Oh, yeah went by cemetery, too. I have told you before no matter who is around, or how many may be, I still miss you. I miss your calling bill-ee, I miss getting you up and down the stairs. I even miss getting you into the shower so you could bathe. I miss trying to fix dinner for us, you were easy to cook for, cause you would eat most anything. You were not crazy about rice but if there was gravy or something to put on it you didn't complain (too much). The car looks good all nice and clean. I will admit I will miss seeing the Park Avenue setting out there. It's too good a car not to be used, when Debbie can bring me back home I will take it to GA. I am going to call Dialyn, she has called several times this week and I've not been home. I got a sweet note from Allison, she misses you so much. It is going to be cold brrr tonight, tomorrow night, don't know about saturday yet, I'm thinking cold then. Looks like winter may be here to stay but who knows? Red beans & rice, salad, sweet potatoes, is what we fixed for dinner. Oh yeah with some bbq chicken....you would've liked it. I love you I miss you. You were the greatest man I ever knew, I hurt, hurt, hurt. Love you........BILL-EE

Ben, Honey, today I got to go by the cemetery, talked to David there. He told me he could take care of the VA marker. What a relief lifted. I went out early, talked to David, went to eat, did a little shopping, went to church. David Hall, Sarah, myself went to get something to eat. We didn't get out of  church 'til close to 9 so I haven't been home long. Came in, took my antibiotic, now writing you my daily note. We had another one of Bro. Stoneking's sermons to watch. He is an a o.k. preacher, you would like. Honey I am still trying to learn to cope without you, I miss you so much. I am also still trying to take care of myself, as you would want me to.  This a.m. it was rainy, dreary, wind blowing, day I thought most all day I wouldn't be able to get out tonight. All of a sudden the sun shined out, it had quite raining, so I got out early enough to go to cemetery. All in all it was a nice enough day, exception being that I miss you. The pain doesn't go away, I still look to the hills, from whence comes my help. Nowhere else to go, no one can help but God, HE understands all. A squirel was hopping around the trees by you today. I thought of you, Sally, the little fellow who got away, and of course Debbie. You and Deb feeding the squirrels, they thought you 2 were their own. You loved those little fellows, Sally really loved you, and I love you Ben Miller.......BILL-EE

Ben here I am again to say I love you Ben Miller. I finally did it, I finally went over to Milton's, didn't know it would be so hard, I kept remembering how you had been wanting to go over to see your eldest brother. You had told me the week before, or maybe on monday or tuesday that week that you wanted to see him. I know I had told you I would take you over there and Milton could sit in the car with you for awhile so y'all could visit. I was thinking, why didn't I let you try to get up the steps by yourself, you told me you could. I just kept remembering how hard it had been for you the last time we were there. Milton doesn't look good, his face is swollen, his feet are swollen, like his brother Ben he won't prop them up in the day.   I had cookies left here Sat. so I took them by the daycare. Sis Honea said let's go get something to eat, I felt tired, told her I'd take a rain check, but she insisted. Actually, I ate a good meal, and got rested while we sat there. Now I am ready to go get ready for bed, after I take the antibiotic, still got several days of them to take, that is one pill I'm going to take. Honey it was a good day after I got past the grief of remembering. Oh, I did take them a chalupa from Taco Bell. I miss you so I love you.......BILL-EE

Honey I am writing early today. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had, I missed you so much. I had to remind myself again how I heard you telling the Lord that you were so tired and I know HE heard you and came for you.  Today I was thinking about all the meals the Honea's brought us, and how many were cooked for us by some of the ladies, and how Bro. Honea would sometimes tell us that someone at the church would give him money ro buy us a lunch during the week. How very blessed we were, because neither one of us were strong.  There are many memories, most all are good memories. Sometimes we argured, but rarely were we angry at each other, friendly arguments. This year neither of us well but we still had a good year. Seems like our love grew. I would walk by your chair, say "I love you Ben Miller", you always responded with "I love you so very much". I am glad we said those words, they kept us both "hanging in there". Sometimes it was not easy to get you to the car, but I would like to get us out for awhile. We both wanted to go to church on Wednesday nights, our outlet, to worship God with others of the same precious faith. Ben I still love you and how could I ever tell how much I miss you, God knows.......BILL-EE

Honey, I did make it to church this a.m., left my spend the nighters here, I got there late. Enjoyed good fellowship. I also stopped by the cemetery, they have started flattening the grave. I want to hurry and get your stone, need the certificate. Now everything is quiet again, I will have to try and get up and do some much needed house work, after yeterday and last night. No matter how many folks are around I will miss  you. Just being with people doesn't keep me from from missing you, doesn't keep the pain away either.  I have plans to go with the ladies from church on 11/12, the shopping spree trip. I doubt I will do much shopping but I will enjoy breakfast and lunch with the "crew".  Now I have 3 b'day cards behind, Duane, Allison, and Chase, have their cards but too sick to get them in the mail....woe is me. Michael isw the only b'day left for this year.  I hate to think this year is about over, how will I start a new year without you honey? Don't know I pray God's grace for me HE will help me somehow. First got to get through 2011 before I do too much thinking about 2012. I'm glad I know you did some serious praying for me the past several months, you prayed for me to have grace. I love you so much more than I can say...BILL-EE

Well, Honey, it has been a very eventful day around here. We had  a reunion planned (my Family), it was changed for Nov 5th. Turns out 31 people were at Charity's, Donnie's daughter, and I didn't want to make that ride, besides  the Dr. told me to stay in, so there was 31 people here at our house. We had a great time, Donnie said they all had a good time down there. I would call it  good reunion, although Donnie said let's plan for late spring or early summer next time. I missed you so much, I kept thinking how you enjoyed the reunions my family had. They were your family also, every one loved Uncle Ben. Butchie rode his motorcycle, he said come on Aunt Bill I'll take you for a ride, of course I said "no, thank you". I did get on it and sit for awhile. Butch started it up, I accidently pushed the accelerator, scared me I was so ready to get off. Melissa, Tammy, and Debbie are staying the night, plus Tammy's son and Mellisa's grandchildren. The house has been full today. I am tired but did enjoy the day. Honey, I miss you I love you, this won't ever change........BILL-EE

Ben, I sometimes think of you and all I can do is yell, "oh God" He knows what and how I feel, no one else does. Everyone seems to think I am pulling away, not true, I am too much a people person to do that. I love people and love being around people. Dr. Dumas told me to do nothing but stay in sleep, eat, and drink plenty of fluids. Bronchitis twice in less than 3 weeks, time to take care of me. Oh well honey you knew me, and was always telling me to take it easy, not wear myself out, but I had to be sure and take care of you first. So I was always "worn out" didn't let you know how bad worn I was. Enough of that, I love you and you were always first for me. I remember when we were courting, boy that goodlooking guy was a okay, in my books. Honey, I miss you so much, I want to grieve in my own way, which no one seems to understand, that's okay, I don't always understand myself. I just know I miss you and most of all  I Love You...........    BILL-EE

Time to write my note to you , honey, to say I love you. I am staying in like dr. said, you would be proud of me. I dreamed aout you this morning, you know how I always dream when I'm not well. In the dream you kissed me, lipolated. I miss you so much, the goodnight kiss, the I love you. I am glad we wanted to kiss goodnight, glad I wanted to tell you that I love you. Always happy to hear you say those words to me. You made them very special. I am getting tired of just "laying around" I have done some laundry folded clothes and hung clothes on hangers. Dr. Lisa says don't do a thing,. haha. I am tired, don't take much to tire me out, that's been all year. I love you honey, I miss you. Oh, to have you with me, the pain is so bad. Takes time, but I am not sure time can heal this. Still looking to God He is my ever present help, that is the only way I can bear this pain. I love you.......BILL-EE

Honey, I have missed you so much. I am still living in our living room and kitchen, but I am comfortable. I will miss you no matter where I am. I miss you greatly at church, your worship was an inspriration to many, includung your wife. I stayed home tonight, dr. told me to stay in, besides I began coughing really bad, I want to get rid of the bronchitis once and for all. Duane called tonight, he misses you, too, as does our girls. God blessed us so much with the children He gave us. Listening to other people's conversations sometimes makes me to know even more how much we were blessed. Ben, I love you and was and is so thankful for each year. Thankful for the tears we shed, for the laughter we shared, and for the love. I still can feel your love around here, your smiles that was like no other's, what made you into a man to be loved.  The greatest thing that made you into a great man of God is you stood solid on what you believed. We stood together, whatever we did we did together. Thank God for the times we prayed together. Thank God I heard you when you were talking to the Lord on 9/20, asking Him to come, telling Him you were ready. I was not ready to let you go, beause Honey, I love you......BILL-EE

Ben, another day has come and is almost gone. what a day, Janell was coming, Lisa called Sandy, Dr. Dumas says I need to come over let him check me, don't want me having pneumonia. I called Sis Honea, she came over and visited with Janell and her friend, I went to Dr. got two shots another prescription of antibiotic. Then we had a great lunch together, leisurely, thanks to Sis Honea. She went got the prescription filled, Janell left for Booneville. Sis Honea visited with me for awhile made sure I ate supper. Now I am alone missing you. The Dr. told me not to do anything, just lay around, try to eat, and drink plenty of liquids, I was already doing that. He said keep it up. Don't try to do anything, for the time being. So I will be spending another day sleeping, eating, drinking, and nothing. I miss not going to cemetery also, that is where I lay you to rest. I find comfort just going by there. I wanted to ask the Dr. could he tell me what to do about the pain I have, knowing you are gone from me, but I was in a hurry, after all I had company. They had driven 3 hrs. to get here, I wanted to be able to visit with them. I plan to get in bed soon I am tired now, can hardly talk......I love you honey........BILL-EE