Oh my, Ben, my Ben, Today has not been the best. I wake up thinking how "Chipper" you were that morning 2 months ago. How you said I see light, then when we started out of the bed room you said I saw light. Now all is darkness again, my heart broke again for you. I knew I had medicine to pick up, took my prescription inhalant to get refilled. I shopped a little there, talked to Jenny, then went to Dinner Plate to eat. I don't enjoy eating alone but I knew it would be o.k. for 2 meals today. I then went to Wal-Mart saw Ricky Seagle, we talked for awhile. (He even said he had read all my notes to you when they were on fb and had been inspired.) After walking all over that store, doing some shopping, mostly looking, I started back home. The pain was still so bad, thinking about that day, 9/22/11. So I cried, I screamed, cried some more, screamed some more, all the way home and for awhile after I got home. When I unloaded the car, I got in the buick for the first time, drove around. I had forgotten how smooth that car is still. You can know I am still hurting, I am dreading tomorrow. I really don't know what to do with myself. My days were spent caring for you, now I don't know what to do with me. I think I had told you that Ashley had sent a video of Rylan saying "I love you, MawMaw". He still will ask about PawPaw. I hope he will never forget you. Honey, I miss you so, I love you. I was so glad I had stopped at the cemetery as I started out. It looked like rain, besides it was dark when I got home, but I cain't scream when at the cemetery.  I guess I will learn to live with the pain... God is my Help. I love you.........BILL-EE