Janelle and J.C. slipped out this mornng. I heard him when he first got up about seven o'clock. I was waiting to hear her before I got up. I fell back to sleep and knew nothing until about nine.          I am still struggling with the departure of my life long mate. It seems so final, more so now than a year ago. I do know I have to learn to live without my Ben, but how to do it is my question. I keep looking to the hills and praying oh, Lord help me. Daily, I will learn to go it alone. It won't be easy but I have to do it some way.       Then I wonder how did he go seemingly so quick? Yet I had noticed for several weeks his pallor had changed.        Why did they not know something was wrong when he was in hospital in August? Yet I know I must somehow not dwell on all these thoughts. So I can learn to keep on keeping on. How? By keeping my eyes on the mountains, dear Lord only with and by your help. Ben Miller I am still missing you and thinking of you much. I love you...........BILL-EE