It has been awhile since I wrote. No, I have not been busy, truth is I haven't done much of anything since I wrote last.           I had spent Christmas at the Spence's, came home on Wednesday 12/26. I think I wrote on that day. The rest of the week I have mostly been "null and void" meaning doing nothing. I finally have started taking decorations down.         Honey, I never knew I could miss anyone as I have missed you this Christmas season and these days since Christmas. I believe I have felt more alone than ever. It's like, it is just me now.         I stopped at the cemetery today on my way home from church. I said I guess I am glad there was no place I could sit, because on such a beautiful day I would have stayed there all afternoon.          I will be going to church tonight, then we will go out to eat breakfast.          It is late (very) and I really do need to get in bed, so I will say again that I miss you. I was connected to you, you know. I love you..........BILL-EE

Fifteen months ago this day my one true love passed from this life, to a new one, to a much better place. How I miss you, Ben Miller, I cannot tell. How I think of you, I cannot say. Will I always feel this alone at Christmas time? Who knows? With an ache in my heart is how I miss you. If I could recall you I would. Yet I think I know you would not return even if you could. All I can say is, Honey, I miss you and I love you..............BILL-EE

I am going to write yet again. In three days it will be Christmas day. I feel more alone than ever, my heart feels achy and sad. Thinking of Christmas without you is like a torment. I don't know what to do, what to say, or even what to think.         I went by the cemetery today, I was on my way home from Lisa's. I had been there since about eight thirty Thursday A.M. Now I am back home, wondering how do I make it through this Christmas. God Help me get through this is my continuous prayer. It is so hard to try to explain how I feel, I just know I miss you more than ever. I will soon take some medicine and go to bed, trying not to think of how alone I feel. I miss you, I love you.........BILL-EE

I haven't written since last Wednesday. The cough started on Tuesday. That is when this cough really got started. I won't write much because I want to get to bed. I kept thinking I will be alright. The cough got worse again last night, I didn't get out today. It has rained all day. When I went to pick up the medicine Dr. called in for me, I stopped at the florist and got new flowers for the gravesite.         I just got to say I miss you much and more and I love you.........BILL-EE

Sunday was my last day to blog. Monday I did laundry, and tried to put everything back in order. Altho it really wasn't bad, the girls had about done everything. God really blessed you and me, Ben Miller, I know we never deserved the blessings of the children we had.          Yesterday I had to pick up medicine, so I got stamps. Since I was out I went on out to Bessemer tax assessor's office. That didn't help much. Wanted to write, I still haven't gotten to cemetery, hopefully tomorrow or Friday. Wanted to say I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

A whole week since I wrote. I stayed busy last week. Cleaning, a Sears retiree Christmsas Banquet, a program at church, plus church on Wednesday night.            Yesterday, 12/8/12 we had our "Miller" christmas. We, Ben Miller Family, stayed here and we had our Christmas. Of course we had much more food than needed, as usual. I told everyone to please not leave all that food here for me to have to throw away. I think Lisa, Carmen, Debbie, even Duane had a good bit of food to take home with them. I told Lisa maybe next week would be light on her. Dialyn also took alot of food, she left it with Nathan and Danni.            This A.M. we had a big crew still around, had a BIG breakfast. Carmen made her sausage and egg dish, Debbie baked those good fruit things she does, plus we had bacon, eggs, (Lisa fixed) and biscuits. There was jam aplenty. Most of all, we were sitting down together, to enjoy food, fun, and family fellowship, which nothing can replace. Debbie, Duane, Carmen, Todd, and girls came down Friday evening. No need to say how I enjoyed every minute.           Now I am alone again, Sunday evening, no church tonight. I have missed you every minute, especially knowing tomorrow is our anniversary date. I feel again, how do I learn to live now? I feel so all alone. I feel so sad and grieved. I still have to get through this month, and then try to figure how about next year? Oh, Ben I am trying so very hard to keep smiling, even as my heart cries for you: as do my eyes.          Lisa prayed with me, for me and for herself before she left. She misses you much, as do they all.        I had thought I would go to cemetery tomorrow, get the new flowers for the grave. Sounds like it will be a bad, stormy, day. That doesn't help any. I can barely see now, so God help me to look to the mountains for my help once again. How do I miss you? I cannot say, I don't know the words. How do I love you? Only God knows, only HE knows the ache of a heart that is alone............BILL-EE

I haven't written since Monday. It has been a busy week. Yesterday I left home at three thirty going to the Haynes'. Lisa, Ashley and I drove over to GA. Spent the night with Debbie, saw Duane too.       Ashley is pregnant and Todd had a stackable washer/dryer set. Chase came over this afternoon, they rented a U-Haul and he brought the set home for Ashley. Honey, you could have fixed that thing in a minute. They couldn't plug it, wrong something or other. Thinking of you alot as usual.           Miller Christmas is this next Saturday, will probably have it here at the house. Debbie, Carmen, Todd, and the girls will be down Friday to decorate and such. Also Thursday is the Sears Retiree Christmas luncheon. I am planning to go for that. Debbie will not be able to make that and then come back on Friday, guess I will go alone again. So much I wish I could tell you right now---but oh, well. I can say I miss you and I love you dearly................BILL-EE

It has been more than a week since I have written in the blog. I stayed Wednesday and Thursday nights at the Haynes'. I came home Friday, got here about four thirty or so. The Killoughs were sitting in the car port. I really wasn't expecting them, as they were here on 11/11.           They did some much needed chores around here all day Saturday. I really enjoyed their visit. I just a few minutes ago got the den cleaned up. It was a big mess around and on the desk. J.C. fixed those tiles, made quite a mess.           Today I finally got to the cemetery again. Left home to go by there, then I went grocery shopping. I did not have a slice of bread in the house.           Ben, my beloved, today fourteen months ago we had your burial. Oh, how my heart aches, anew it seems, with each passing day. It still doesn't feel real to me, that you are gone from me. Honey, you were all I had. I wanted to celebrate alot more anniversaries with you. I do know I heard your prayer, "come and get me, Lord, I am ready". That doesn't stop the ache of my heart, yet it gives me some consolation. I miss you more than words can express and I also love you, love you.............BILL-EE

I am going to try to write again. Not much to talk about. I have been sick for all this past week. I finally got started on an antibiotic Saturday. I missed church again, to my sorrow. I am fighting this as hard as is possible.           Today I was coming down the stairs, when I thought of how you would always say, hold the rail when you are on the stairs. Lets me know that you knew more about how my health was than even I knew. I sure would like to hear more of the kind of advice you were always giving me. Ben I miss you something bad. May not be proper, but it is the truth. I need to get something in me to drink, I can't afford not to drink, also am about to try to eat a little again.  I love you, Honey...........BILL-EE

This has not been my best week. I haven't been feeling well all week. I finally slept good last night, even though I was coughing most of the night. I would have called the doctor, but he always tells me to come in to the office. Sorry I have't felt like dressing all week. Certainly haven't wanted to drive. I did fell better this a.m. I had a good long night's sleep. Praying for another one tonight.           OH, Ben I know I will always need you. I felt safe as long as I had you with me. Even those days last year when we were neither well. I didn't even venture out for church tonight, anyone who knows me know I had to not been well.             I am not going to write much, I am not thinking straight right now. My ears are ringing so bad, that makes  me feel dizzy, ugh. I miss you I love you.............BILL-EE

Goodness, it has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Not because I haven't been thinking of you, Ben Miller. I think of you all the time. Out of the blue, sometimes, I will remember something funny you said or did. I may even think of some place we have gone, of something we may have done. I know when the Killoughs are here they probably get tired hearing me talk about you. Debbie and Duane may have gotten tired of hearing about you last week end.        We have had rain, cold weather, and today was so nice. We went to the Galleria with Bro. Honea and Aubrey, then he took us to Dreamland for ribs. I really did eat too much. Tonight we ate cheese and crackers. Missing you, love you......BILL-EE

It has turned cold, supposed to be frost tonight. I haven't been able to get by the cemetery in several days. When I drive by there the ache in my heart is unbearable, it seems, yet I have to keep going. Thank you for the prayers you prayed for me, I know they have and will be a big help, in my going, in my smiling. I miss you so much and I love you.........BILL-EE

I got  my driver's license today. I had to stand in line for one and one half hours. I did get two loads of laundry done before I left for the court house.           I got to thinking how you and I planned to really retire and do some traveling. My heart was breaking and breaking more, then I remembered hearing you ask the Lord to just come and get you. That caused more tears, more heart ache, just thinking of how sick you were. Yet, you never complained. You wanted to stick around with me, but you got to tired of the blackness, of not feeling like even trying to walk anymore. Honey, so glad I know you were ready to meet the Lord, ready for Him to come after you. He did, and I am alone, but I know that you are well and happy now. No more blackness, no more sickness. Someday, maybe I can handle all this better. I miss you, and I love you..........BILL-EE

November 4, 2012. Another year almost gone. I have been without the comfort of you dear heart, for more than a year now. I still miss you and more than likely I always will. Regardless of what the future holds for me, I know I will be missing you. I wanted to stop by the cemetery on my way home from church, but thought better of it.          Debbie and Duane came from GA this week-end. I, of course, enjoyed them. We met Dialyn and Glen at the Lone Star (Homewood) last evening. We had a grand ole time as always. I remembered what you would always eat when we went there, thought about how big the sweet potato you ordered always was. That is what you liked about that place, big sweet potatoes. One of your most favorite foods.           I am about to go up stairs and eat a bite of something. First I Want to say I love you..........BILL-EE

As I was at the church  awhile  ago. My thoughts, just before I left there was about you. I could almost see you sittng there in that wheel chair, hearing you as you worshipped our God. Thinking of all the things our former pastors wrote about you. Hearing what the pastors, former and present said about you. Made me realize all over again how God had blessed me. He gave us 60 years, 9 months, and almost thirteen days together. Now that is a blessing, we never had any real serious troubles, no problems. Our children, all 4 of them, were truly God sents. I miss you so very much, I think of you so very much, constantly. I love you, my Beloved Ben Miller............BILL-EE   I wanted to add I am about to eat one of your favorites....cornbread and buttermilk......Thinking of you.

It is "brrr" cold weather around here. I have been so busy trying to save on electricity and now gas. They put in new gas lines here. I had to pay for the valve, $50.00. Okay, got that done still haven't seen a water and gas bill for last month.           I went by the cemetery today. Remembered how hot it was still this time last year. Today I had to wear a coat.          I miss you my beloved Ben. Nothing new about that. The hole is still in my heart. I love you............BILL-EE

We had a great time at church today. Janelle and J.C. got here yesterday about twelve. We went to Habenaro's and ate mexican. Friday night I had Italian. Today, it was good old food, ham, turkey and dressing, beans, chicken and dumplings, etc.        I miss you, I miss having you here, I miss hearing BILL-EE. I am going to keep on keeping on as you would tell me to do. Ben Miller, Beloved, I love you.........BILL-EE

Ben Miller, sometimes it seems as if I can't go another day. The pain that hits me is quite unbelievable. I can do nothing but cry, cry, cry, and call "OH GOD help me". The hole just seems to always be at the surface. I miss you and I love you, no words can seem to erase the pain...........BILL-EE

Goodness it has been awhile since I wrote anything. Sunday night after church, I went over to New Life for their church service. Lisa was so surprised, as was Chase and Ashley and, of couse, master Ryland. After church they wanted me to go to the Haynes house instead of driving back home. I agreed, Lisa had to give me a tooth brush and furnish pj's to sleep in. Chase gave me his bed. He slept on a couch in their upstairs room. Harold's mom was there, we sat up and talked until near one o'clock.         I had already planned to go to Dialyn's on Tuesday, she called and needed me to come on over Monday night, I did. I stayed there Monday and Tuesday nights. It feels good to be home again.         Mulga has run new gas lines and has taken that ugly gas thingamygig out of the front yard. Also I am not smelling gas so much now. I am glad of that.        I went by the cemetery again Monday evening. Honey, I miss you so badly. All I can say is "I wish you were here". I am so happy to know, my dearest heart, that you are in a place of paradise.       I wonder if the hole in my heart will ever stop hurting. My one consolation is now you are not blind and you can walk, run, jump, and maybe even fish. I love you...........BILL-EE

I went on a hay ride last night. I did not get to ride in the hay, probably  a good thing. I just found out today that I am extremely allergic to hay. Anyway I rode down to Tannehill Park with Sis Honea, in her car. We all had a great time, ate hot dogs, chips, dips, cookies, dough nuts, and chips with chili and cheese. All very good. With plenty of all kinds of drinks.         Today I went to the Haynes house. We ate pizza and rice balls for lunch. Lisa, Ashley, Ryland, and I went to a pumpkin patch. There were things for the kids to do, inflatables to play on. Then we went to a maze, made from rolls of hay. That is when I realized I am allergic. I got a little to close to the hay, thought I would go through the maze. Lisa said you probably should not, about the time I knew I had gotten too close to the hay. Couldn't talk right for several minutes, and it hinders my breathing.  I ate another meal with them. Lisa got chicken, potatoes, green beans, and biscuits. I am back home.         Oh, Ben I miss you so much. No matter what I do it isn't the same without you. I miss you so much and I love you............BILL-EE

I did go to Camp Boggy. It was a little long, almost there and right back. Carolyn went with me, we spent the night Tuesday night in Mt Dora, FL. I really am glad that I went. I heard them call Benjamin Miller, Icy Miller, and Milton S. Miller. It was a time of remembrance for all the people whose names were called. I am glad I went for myself and glad I was there for June. She was really thrilled and so happy I made it. Icy and Milton never got to visit there. They would have been even prouder of her had they ever got to go down there. I am hoping next time the girls take me some place for a girls vacation that we can go there. Maybe we can even invite brother along. I got back home last night at midnight but I did sleep restful.         I stopped at the cemetery this evening for a few minutes, it is a thing with me still to stop there often. I can't seem to help myself, just as I can't stop missing you. It has not been an easy year for me, but thank God I am making it, alone. Ben Miller, I love you..........BILL-EE

Today was our son's birthday. Ben, we were so blessed with the children God gave us. You and I talked about these blessings alot, don't know why God was so good to us. We surely never deserved the many blessings HE blessed us with.           Carolyn Moore, from the church is here with me tonight. She is driving with me to Camp Boggy for their day of remembrance. Yours will be one of the names on the memorial list. I wanted to go and the kids wanted me to go. Neither one of them could go with me. Debbie is in England, Lisa has missed so much work this year already and has no vacation days she can take. Dialyn already had planned to be off next week. She is going with Nathan to LA. Duane could not possibly go, so Carolyn volunteered to go with me to help me drive. I am looking forward to the memorial service, also will be able to see your neice June. She said we could look the canp over, it will be a good time and will help me with some closure. I still ache over missing you so much. I know you are o.k. but I am not. I do keep smiling, through the tears in my heart. I miss you and I love you. I went by the cemetery, changed out the flowers and spent a little time by your last resting place. Oh, well you are resting in a heavenly place where all is well. I love you...........BILL-EE

We didn't have church tonight. I should have gone to Trussville to church. The word was, probably tornadoes headed our way this evening. So I am sitting here all by myself as per usual. Allison is usually not anywhere near here. I have begun to think I will tell her to move her things to her friends house. I am getting tired of this already. I guess I should have known better. She surely isn't living with me. She isn't doing anything she said before she moved in here. Some people are surely not dependable. I have tried to help, but a "free" horse can surely be rode to death.          I am tried of my gripping. I am going to fix something to eat and read my Bible for awhile. Just not used to being home on Sunday nights.             I miss you and I love you............BILL-EE

I haven't been writing every night lately. Yesterday, late afternoon, I went to the Haynes', spent the night. Lisa and I went shopping today and yes I did splurge a little. I know I really should not have but I did. I know you and I know what would have been said to me, for making that statement.          Strange, how such things as being on the escalator makes me thing so strongly of you, Ben Miller. I know you and I were never on an escalator together very many times. You were missed more than ever today as I rode the escalator. Probably because you are never far from my thoughts.           It is getting late and I want to get a good night's sleep so I will say I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

Ben Miller, I miss you so much, I am still so lost without you. It seems that whenever I try to do something good, I get "burned" or "bummed". You were the level headed one in our twosome.            That is enough of that.          Debbie and Tot are in England, they seem to be having a great time. Tot is in school over there, from what he says it is hard to understand their English language.        Bro. Honea did a good job tonight on his sermon, you would have enjoyed it. I still miss having you at church with me. Nothing is the same without you, Honey.          I have my regular check-up at the doctor in the a.m. So I will be going to bed in a short time. I love you..........BILL-EE

I did a load of laundry today. Changed the sheets on my bed. I went to a ladies meeting tonight. We went to the Home Plate Diner for dinner. Everyone ate heartily, and we just had a good time talking and laughing together.          Lisa called this afternoon, rather early evening. That about sums up my day.          I thought of you and how I miss you and can still say truthfully, I love you..........BILL-EE

I haven't written since 10/04. Friday 10/05 I went with Lisa, Ashley, and Rylan to Sulligent. Harold was already there. He had gone down earlier, took a horse, there was a horse show on Saturday night, it started raining so Harold decided against riding in it. He didn't want to put his horses through that, plus he didn't want to put himself through it.           Lisa, Ashley, Rylan and I went to a little carnival on Saturday. We had a big time, watching Rylan, little dare devil, riding and having fun. It was cool, but fun. I am glad I went with them. We came back last night. I got home a little past eleven.        Today was a very cool day, and tonight will be almost cold. the heater in the den won't come on. I got Allison to check it, she couldn't turn it on either. The knob will not turn.         Allison moved in some of her belongings tonight. We will do fine, I have already talked quite frankly with her. I know you would say "you have to help her". I will try again.         I can see you so clearly, at the most unexpected times. I know there is a picture, no pictures, of you in my heart. A picture will "pop" up when I am thinking of you so strongly and the pain becomes so fresh and new all over. I do miss you alot, as always, and I know I love you..........BILL-EE

Well, today I did go to the retiree luncheon, Fay snd Byron both went with me. We had a great lunch and a good time. After we left Golden Corral we went by Wal Mart, Hueytown. I bought a few items and Byron bought me and Fay a watch. After they left, I lay down had a short nap. About all I did this day.         I went to the church, as I do each day, James and Glenda were there. When I started to leave I talked a bit with them. They decided to go and invited me to go with them to Arby's for a bite to eat. I definitely was blessed on this day.        Debbie and Tot are leaving for England tomorrow. I told Debbie about the day of remembrance at Camp Boggy, where you are a part of the memorial service. She told me to go and she would pay the motel bill when she gets back home. I am excited, can't wait to tell Carolyn that we will be able to go. I wish there was someway Ashley could go with us, she has to take care of Rylan so....           Honey, I am missing you every day but I am still looking to the hills where I know my strength comes from. It is final, you are gone forever and I am alone, missing you and I can say I love you............BILL-EE

I am home. I did go to the surgeon today, he says everything is as should be. The reason I still have pain is the infection got to the nerves and that it would take awhile for them to get all settled down. Ashley met me there, Lisa wanted to know everything the doctor said. I got back home, took my medicine, and took a nap. I am about ready to want to go to bed now. Last night was one of the, what I call, killer nights.          I stopped at the cemetery on the way to church tonight. Stayed for several minutes.         Fay is supposed to come over tomorrow morning; we will be going to the retiree luncheon tomorrow. All I got for today except to say I miss you, I love you.........BILL-EE

I went to see Dr. Rosenstiel today. Supposed to get a tooth filled, well he looked at me and said I won't touch you today. He says my face is still not well and I need to see the Dr. again. I finally promised to call Dumas. When I told Lisa about it what does she do, but call the surgeon. I told her I had called Dumas, as I promised the dentist I would do, and he had called me in another round of antibiotic. The surgeons office called and said he wanted to see me again. Your baby is determined for me. Knowing you, you would appauld her.          I went by the cemetery this evening. Didn't get  much of anything accomplished today. The same thing tomorrow, a trip to the surgeon and to Dr. LeCroys office. On Thursday, I hope to get to the Sears retiree luncheon. Busy week for me.          I want to get in bed early as I will need to be out and about by ten o'clock. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

The beginning of a new month. Only 3 more months of 2012, then what? One thing is for sure life goes on, God is still God true and living. HE has ears to hear, eyes to see, HE sees all and knows all. I am so happy that you and I discovered this 45 years ago. I know you never regretted it and I know I haven't either. God is good, all the time.           Today has been somewhat of a busy day. Mostly I waited for the telephone to ring. I had called Allison last night, I told her to come over here with me. I know that is what you would do if you were here. She called this a.m, woke me, and asked if I meant it. Of course I did, I couldn't sit back and let any of our children live on the street. Maybe that is why God is still so good to me and was always good to us, we tried to help others. Naturally I will help ours if and when I can.          It is about to be bed time, so I will go with these words.......I miss you much and I love you much..........BILL-EE

I almost overslept this A.M.  I woke up last night after about 45 minutes sleep, then I was awake until close to 3 o'clock. I woke at 6:30 and again at 9:23 a.m. I still made it to church on time. Praise the Lord for that. I went to the Home Plate Diner with David Hall, Mike, Carolyn, and three kiddies. Had a good lunch, thanks to Bro. Hall.            I have eaten a peanut butter and figs sandwich, drank some water, looked at fb for a few minutes. I am about ready to call it "goodnight". Unusual for me this early.            We had rain most all night and all day, fall is definitely here, least feels like it.          I got an invitation from Camp Boggy. They will have their Day of Remembrance on October 17th. I am invited to go, invitation reads, We would be honored to have you join us as we remember: Ben Miller. This is their 4th annual day of remembrance. Mike said Carolyn can go with me and help me drive. Camp Boggy is located in Eustis, FL wherever that is. I would really like to go, since it is a day of remembrance of YOU. Every day is a remembrance of YOU for me. I miss you so much, I miss Milton and Icy, too. My whole life is so different, yet is the same, does that even make sense? Honey, in my heart you will always be a part of life for me, you were the best part of me. I love you.........BILL-EE

Today I ate breakfast, folded clothes, showered, washed my hair, and went to pick up my new glasses. I can't say that I see any better at all. Guess I should have kept trying to make it with my 100's. Oh, well, I may have just spent $300.00 for nothing.          It has just started raining, been awhile since we had rain.          Not much to write about, I finished reading a book today, that I had started. Now I am about to go heat up some left overs and eat. I have only eaten some cheese puffs since breakfast and I am hungry.          I could talk about how I miss you, how I feel there is a big hole in my heart. I could say something about how I still feel pain over my loss of my love. For now I will say I love you more than I can ever tell.............BILL-EE

Honey, I did climb that mountain last night, I waved the flag because I made it. I know you would be very proud of your girl.          After prayer time tonight Sis Honea asked me if I would like to go to Waffle House, of course I said yes. I ate more than I've eaten for a week or more.         I have actually watched some TV. Clara called and told me there would be a Tribute to Chipper on Fox Sports. I recorded it and have watched it. He played with the same team all the years of his career as a baseball player. It was a good show. I looked up at a picture of you, and thought how I missed you. I know this would have been something you would have liked, although Chipper wasn't exactly a specialty to you. Still you would have enjoyed this tribute. Next year his #10 will be retired, I hope I will know about that in time to watch. I missed Tom Glavine's and Cox's #'s being retired. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

I actually did get all the upstairs rooms vacummed today. Also I cooked a meal, beef stew, field peas, and fried okra. It was all very good, but I still have a "pile" of food. That is why I hate to cook, I have to throw away too much food.          I stoppd at the cemetery, didn't stay as long today as it was just about dark. A bad place to be walking in the dark.          I have read Bro. Raggio's book, Long Winding Road". I started it before I left to go to the church, now I have finished all that is on his work. I have really enjoyed it, he is really a good writer.        I am going to try for the top of the mountain tonight. I have been thinking about sleeping in my bed, in our bed room for several weeks. Tonight I plan to try it.          I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

OH, Ben how I have ached for you this day. I went to the cemetery this afternoon, for the first time I felt dread as I was on my way there. I stayed until the gnats got really bad. I didn't want to leave once I got there. My thoughts were, just lie down beside his grave. I remembered and lived again that fateful day Sep. 26, 2011. I have lost many loved ones, mother, dad, sisters, brother, nephews, and neices to name a few. I miss them all, but when I lost you there was an ache in my heart and a great big hole. It hasn't been easy this past year and I wonder will the ache ever cease?          When I finally left the cemetery I went to the diner and tried to eat something. It was hard swallowing food. I haven't eaten much in over a week now. After church I went to Arby's with the Hall's and Heidi's two girls. I managed to eat part of a small salad. I know I will have to keep looking to the hills, from whence comes my help. It is almost like starting another cycle of missing you and of knowing I am alone. I love you........BILL-EE

I actually got out of the house this evening. I went over to the church for prayer. My intentions were to stop at cemetery. I saw Chevron had gas for $3.54 per gallon, so I stopped and filled the tank. I had made a trip to GA and back, to the doctors, and to the ER since I had filled the tank. I had 324 miles driven and it only took 11 gallons to fill up. Anyway it was too dark to stop as I had planned to do. It was probasbly for the best that I didn't stop, as it was dark.          Ben, the day has been long, this time a year ago I could barely stand, could barely breath. It was a night of saying good-bye to my one true love. I still can truthfully say "I love you". My plans are to meet you in a place of no tears, no sorrows, no good-byes ever again.           I miss you so much. There are always things coming up that I need you to tell me yes or no about. I was never much good about making the tough decisions, I relied on you for that.           I tried to stay busy today, I did actually get the kitchen floor mopped good. I am still not "up to par", I know what you would have been saying to me about ever 30 minutes or so, "you need to lay down for awhile and rest". Oh Ben I miss you so, I wonder will the pain ever cease and when? I love you more than I could ever say in 60 years, 9 months, and 13 days...............BILL-EE

It has been six days since I wrote anything. It was a rough week,  for me, I stayed in bed much more than I was up. I had some temp, along the way, really did feel sick. As I already stated I was in bed most of the week.         Lisa came over Wednesday after work, she stayed until yesterday late afternoon. Debbie and Duane came down Friday evening, stayed until Sunday. Dialyn came on Saturday, so did Ashley and Rylan. Dialyn had Kamilah with her. We all went to the cemetery Saturday evening. We took new flowers to put in the vase, and we talked about what a great husband and dad you were. Actually, what a great all around person you were. Lisa kept trying to keep it light, she said we are celebrating his first year in paradise, where he can see, walk, run, dance, and all the other things you hadn't been able to do for awhile. Maybe you have even been able to fish, in the river of life. Thinking about all those things, knowing how much you hated the blindness, the having to be dependent on some one for everything, makes it easier to bear. It does not help the ache and hole in my heart. It doesn't help how I miss you each day. It will help to be able to smile, even though the tears are in my heart. I love you...........BILL-EE

I did go to doctor he took one look and said we have to find a surgeon, that has to be taken care of right away. I am hurting and not feeling well at all. Any kind of infection can cause one to want only to be in bed. That is me. I have been up for about an hour now, ready to get back in bed. I miss you and I sure do love you..........BILL-EE

I came home today. I am not feeling well, so I won't be writing much. I enjoyed my visit and the birthday party was lots of fun. Yesterday 9/16 was a bomber for me. Debbie kept hot compresses on my swollen face. I called doctors office he said for me to come over tomorrow. Allison is on her way here to stay with me and guess she will be taking me to the Doc tomorrow. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

I will be leaving for GA in a few minutes, I am going to stay until Sunday sometimes. I may or may not write in the blog while I am there. I am looking forward to seeing Duane and the Dardens, Hesters, and Wallers. I hope it will be good for me. This is not a  good month at all, as most has not been in the past year. Honey, I keep thinking what you would be expecting of me.          I looked at some old pictures a little while ago. Pictures of your 62nd birthday. The girls had made a man to look like you, had him sitting in a rocking chair with a fishing rod close by. In the same album was Debbie's 40th birthday, my 60th, Lisa's 30th, also Nathan's and Jennifer's birthdays. Sometimes I think I can't look at pictures, but when I start looking at them I enjoy it.          I will forever miss you and love you..........BILL-EE

About bed time and I do feel sleepy. I went to dentist today for a cleaning, got to have a filling, that one tooth finally has reached the point for a filling. Dr. always said it isn't hurting so we do nothing.      Also went to Schaffer's with my glasses prescription. He is making my near sighted  eye to match the far sighted one. Doctor LeCroy says this presription should bring both eyes to 20/20 vision. I sure hope so.             This month has been a haunting one, but I am smiling, as you would want me to do. I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

September 11, we surely would have remembered that day 11 years ago together if you were still here. It has been a sad day thinking of all those people who lost their lives. Sadder for me thinking that a year ago you were still with me. This whole month so far has been a sad month for me, as have all the months for the past year. I miss you, sometimes it feels worse than ever.           I stopped at the cemetery for awhile. I didn't want to leave, but it was getting quite dark so I left. I still don't know if the angel lights up properly after dark. Because of the location it can't be seen from the road at all. I am going to eat another few bites of food, get a shower, and hope I get some sleep tonight. Last night was a miserable night, no sleep. I drank two diet cokes and a cup of coffee, that didn't help with sleep.         I did another load of laundry today. I had done one yesterday. Since it is just me, I usually don't have to do laundry but every other week.             I miss you, I love you..........BILL-EE

Haven't been long since I got home. We had a lady's meeting, we met at Habanara's for dinner, then we went back to the church and did the planning for the rest of this year. Some discussion went on about the valentine's banquet next year. Of course, Alisha had to keep talking when I took her home. Sometimes she gets tiring.          I am going to have to take care of our bank account. They said I had a year to change it, that was last year. Guess I will have to take your name off the account now. It's not because I want to, it's required by the bank.           I know I keep smiling, but inside I am one big ache. I really miss you. I am having to think of this time last year. Why couldn't I realize how sick you really were. I remember you always had one hand in a fist. I would tell you that caused tenseness, evidently your body was in pain. All I can do is pray, Lord help me one more time and one more time. I miss you, Ben Miller, and I love you..........BILL-EE

How great is our God? I was disappointed Saturday 9/9/12, I had been thinking I would have some company. That didn't happen. This a.m. when I got to church right away pastor Honea asked me if the evangelist and family could come to our house until church time this evening. A young couple with two beautiful, precious little girls. Naturally I said yes, although the preacher had to study and the girls had to lie down,it still was such a good thing for me. I even lay down on the living room couch for awhile, and feel asleep. I didn't get to sleep last night at all, finally fell asleep around four thirty. The visiting family all stayed down here, in the den, yet it felt good having them here for a bit. He preached two sermons you would have liked, all about the goodness of our great God.          No matter if someone is here or if, as mostly I am, alone I miss you. Miss having you here to talk, laugh, pray, or maybe cry with. The couple today could not believe I was eighty years old. She was telling me, tonight, how amazing she thought I was to be doing the things I do. I told here I always kept thinking about what you would expect of me. I also told her you would never want me to cause our children worry. Most important I wonder what the Lord would expect of me, so I am able to keep on. I smile to hide the tears of my heart. I love you............BILL-EE

It is still early but I am writing anyway. I will be getting something fixed to eat. I will go ahead and close up the den.         The day started out good. Linda, Joe, and Jonathan were supposed to come over today. Also Dialyn  called and she and Allison were bringing some things over to put in the shed. As it happened, no one came. Linda called and explained what happened with them. I haven't heard anymore from Dialyn and Allison. I have been sitting here all day with nothing to do. Of course, I have played solitaire, did my devotion time, etc. Still a disappointing day. Oh, well that is life.       Nothing to talk about except that I miss you. I thought how nice it would be to have you here with me. Then I remember how you hated the darkness, how you asked the Lord to come and get you. These things are heartbreaking but I remind myself to think of what you would expect of me, what God expects of me, and I keep on keeping on. I love you............BILL-EE

I made it to the retiree luncheon today. Fay came over and went with me. There were 42 people present. Harold Kelly is now the president. He is the guy that would always get you another drum stick. Bruce Lollar was there, I didn't see Minnie, so I asked Bruce about her. He told me she died last month. I remember how you always liked Minnie. Guess you were sort of a hero to her, after all, in his own words you saved, her husband's life. I felt so bad about her death. Bruce said they knew something was wrong with her but the doctors could never find what it was.         Debbie called tonight. We talked for an hour and half. I really enjoyed our time, it had been a long time since we had such a long conversation.         I miss you, Ben Miller, I love you..........BILL-EE

I am truly wishing I could talk to you. You always had a way of telling me not to worry so much. I'm really not worried but I do feel heart sick. If I could talk to you I would feel so much better. Of course, I know that isn't going to happen. Today has been another day of "nothing" for me. I am planning to go to the retiree luncheon tomorrow. Maybe I will have something to write about.         I was late getting home tonight. The lady I pick up for church wouldn't stop talking I had to keep telling her I needed to go. I almost stopped by the cemetery even tho it was dark. I thought I would just go in there and sit for awhile. Nothing could be accomplished by doing that. I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

It seems September has started off mighty fast. I didn't do much of anything today, acting like I am still on vacation. I stopped at the cemetery on my way home from church. Thinking about you  as per usual. Thinking how much I still miss you and how much I would have talked to you about today. I love you.          Carla McBrayer called and talked for close to two hours, tonight. I finally told her I needed to go. Don't have anything I can talk about so I am going with, I love you.....BILL-EE                          

I haven't written anything since 8/30. I have missed not writing. I had a great time with the Haynes' family, we went to the beach, mostly I sat by the pool watching them play. That Rylan is so daring in the water. He would run out in that ocean, loved letting the waves sweep over him.         Me, Ashley and Rylan came home today. Her GPS sent us on the oldest path. We had no idea where we were.  I told Ashley we need to stop and ask someone if they knew where we were. It took us a good hour or so longer to get home. We had a lot of fun and laughs on the route.         When we got, finally, to 65 we mostly just talked. Rylan thought that she was screaming at me, at least he told her "mom, don't scream at mawmaw". We did have a great time, at least I sure did.           I thought about you, Ben Miller, alot and knew you would have enjoyed that, if only because you knew I was enjoying myself. I missed church also, but really had a great time. Harold fed us well!!           I am going to go to bed now, I love you.........BILL-EE

I started to write at eight o'clock, then I noticed that Lisa had called several times. I called her and she invited me to go with them to Florida for the week-end. I will ride back Monday with Ashley. That will beat having to sit here on a holiday all by myself.           I stopped at the cemetery on the way home from the church. I cleaned the marker again. When it rains it gets dirty, or if they mow the grass.         I have some clothes in the dryer that I need to get out and put away. I can get my things packed tomorrow. I guess I should say "yay" a vacation for lil ole me. I will sit in a shade and read a book, read my Bible, and do some more of nothings.             I miss you. I may not write anything while I am gone but that doesn't mean I won't be thinking of you. I love you..........BILL-EE

Here it is August almost gone. Nathan called me this a.m. said they were having the triplets birthday celebration this evening. I met Dialyn at exit 242 and followed her to their house. They have grown so much, of course,I hadn't seen them since last September. Sabine and McKenna are both larger than Sterling. He has braces on both legs. When he saw me he ran over and gave me a great big hug. He acted like he was really glad to see me, more so than did Sabine and McKenna. They both hugged me and McKenna talked alot to me. She even asked me how did I get so big to have them as great grandchildren.          This makes me miss you even more than ever. I know how important these birthday parties and anything else that happened, where we would see any of the grands, greats, or our children. I was so glad I got to see those greats. I saw Rylan a couple of weeks ago and Kamilah last week. The GA grands and greats I don't see much of. I haven't been to GA at all, since May.         After church I went to Zaxby's with the Hall crew. Had one of their salads, didn't eat much so I will have left overs. Honey, I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

When I stopped at the cemetery, I was there until almost dark. I decided I needed to get out while I could still see, rough walking ground. I still don't know how the angels does, it is suppose to be a solar angel.            I am thankful for each day God grants me. Sometimes though, I wonder what's the purpose?  God knows, and as I said I am thankful.        I guess I try to keep you alive, Ben, bcause I am still talking to you via this note I write. I know I need to let you RIP, huh? I probably will always write at different times. I am trying very hard, I am use to crying silent tears. Will they ever stop? I don't know, I just know that for myself I must be strong. Sometimes though I just need a big hug, but you are not here to give it to me. I miss you and I love you...........BILL-EE

Janelle and J.C. slipped out this mornng. I heard him when he first got up about seven o'clock. I was waiting to hear her before I got up. I fell back to sleep and knew nothing until about nine.          I am still struggling with the departure of my life long mate. It seems so final, more so now than a year ago. I do know I have to learn to live without my Ben, but how to do it is my question. I keep looking to the hills and praying oh, Lord help me. Daily, I will learn to go it alone. It won't be easy but I have to do it some way.       Then I wonder how did he go seemingly so quick? Yet I had noticed for several weeks his pallor had changed.        Why did they not know something was wrong when he was in hospital in August? Yet I know I must somehow not dwell on all these thoughts. So I can learn to keep on keeping on. How? By keeping my eyes on the mountains, dear Lord only with and by your help. Ben Miller I am still missing you and thinking of you much. I love you...........BILL-EE

8/26,12              I realize it is already 8/27 but here I am writing a note. Eleven months 8/26/11 they lay you in the ground, my life had ended it seemed. It still feels like it ended that day, yet I keep on going. Ben I had to keep on even though my life ended, Lisa said, "mom, I can't lose you I just lost my dad". You would have, said don't hurt them anymore, just keep going. So Honey, I smile to hide the tears of my heart. I miss you so much and I love you...........BILL-EE

I had a nice surprise today. Janelle called this a.m. about ten o'clock and said they had decided to come on today. Of course I had already thought of what I would do since they were not coming up, turns out here they are. They got here about one o'clock.        I have been busy this evening fixing food for tomorrow. I don't ever guarantee anything I put together, but it smells good. I made egg salad for this evenings meal, a sandwich, potato chips, and a honey bun, a real feast. About an hour ago we had peanut butter crackers. Janelle and J.C. have gone to bed. I put everything away and here I am writing this note. Eleven months ago we had visitation for you. I am praying for God to help me, and I know He is going to.         I miss you, Ben Miller, and I love you...........BILL-EE

I surely won't say I just got home. I am writing this for 8/24. When I started to leave the church, several ladies were there. Britney and her mom and Brenda Webb. Brenda and I started talking. She finally asked me if I wanted to go to Jack's to get a drink. I told her of course. we sat there until well past eight. When we got back to the church the others soon left. Brenda's daughter came out, she sat in the car with us. Man, I haven't talked so much in a very long time. Anyway I feel like she and I solved all the world's problems. I enjoyed that so much. It was good to have some female fellowship, for a change. She was in no hurry, neither was I. Fay was here over night but she doesn't just sit and visit long. Reminds me of the old days with Debbie.  Brenda knew I needed company. The Killoughs are not coming here until Sunday. I had been expecting them for the week end. I talked alot about Ben Miller, she said she had wished she would have known you in earlier years. I miss you and love you, I am about to get in bed...........BILL-EE

I have been busy again today. My usual Thursday, dust good, vacuum, make sure everything is in some kind of order.         This has not been a good day even with working. Today it has been eleven months since you left. I wonder how can I get thru this day. Actually I got the sympathy, flower cards and read them. Some I didn't even remember. There were cards from my neices, your cousins, sears employees (retirees). There was a card from Dr. Sokell and his employees. He had cut your toe nails on 9/16, wanted to see you again in two or three months. You told me I want be coming back to the doc, I remember telling you, "honey don't be that way". He remembered you from those two or three years he was treating your foot that hurt so bad. How hard he tried to figure out what could be wrong to make your foot hurt you so much. Finally that Dr. in Bessemer found out, tumor in the nerve behind your right knee. It was still several months before it was taken care of, thank God for Dr. Johnson. He got it out plus he had discovered another one. You were the happiest person alive to be pain free.          There were cards from my boss of over 25 years, plus my lady boss that you liked. A couple of them I really need to look at the envelopes, too, because I didn't know who they were.        My day, working, crying, and missing you. Of course praying, Lord help me.         I stopped at the cemetery, went by the store to do some shopping, now I will say I love you...........BILL-EE

Home from church, at last. David Hall told me he needed to talk to me, so I waited on him. I didn't even take Alisha home until late. David is going to come over Friday to spray the house. So, okay I haven't seen any problems but better to go ahead now before fall really gets here.          Honey, I have still been writing my every day activities. I had been so use to telling you, all the things I had done each day. Going back over some of the things I wrote, one could call it boring. Anyway I am going to slack off on some of the writing. Well sometime soon anyway.           Allison called and asked me to get Kamillah  from day care. I was happy to get to do that. I hadn't seen her in quite awhile, so I was glad to get to have some time with her. She is such a delightful child. I got her about five forty five and we went to Jack's to get her some chicken nuggets. She was so excited to get to go to church. She kept telling me "great mawmaw I like to go to church". I was surprised at how much she had remembered from going last year. She talked about Ms Bonner singing. She went home with "mama Heidi" from church. Allison was going to pick her up there.          The way I miss you cannot be ex-pressed. Seeing an old jacket of yours, you wore it constantly when you first got it. For years it was I will wear the Carmen/Todd jacket. They gave it to for Christmas one year, you never tired of wearing it. All I could do was hold it to me and weep for you. I ask myself how long? Who knows, only God truly understands my feelings. I will forever smile even tho my heart is aching. All I really know to do. That is what you would expect of me and want for me. I miss you, I love you..........BILL-EE

Fay and I didn't get up until past nine o'clock. For breakfast, we had biscuits, bacon, grits, jelly, and coffee for me, coke for Fay. She changed the sheets on the bed where she slept. We visited, then went to Simon-Williamson where I had an appointment with our opthamology, Dr. LeCroy. I told him about your death, and thanked him again for finding that tumor.        He said my eye sight hadn't changed that much, since the last visit. At first he wasn't going to write a prescription for glasses, said for me to go ahead with the readers 100. Then he decided to write a prescription, said that would get both eyes 20/20. He said you probably won't be wearing them very much, but you will have them.          When we got back home Fay had a peanut butter & jelly sandwich I had a cheese, bread and butter pickle, and tomato sandwich. It was yummy as always, I hadn't eaten one of those in a long time.         I went over to the church. On my way home I stopped at the cemetery. I fixed, left over red beans and rice for my dinner.          When I think of how much I miss you still, I have a terrific pain. I am trying hard to learn how to live with the pain and without you.      The last week of your life on Tuesday is when I heard you telling the Lord to come. "Come and get us Lord, come on, come and get me, I am ready, I am tired". Oh how I wept. I had no idea you would be leaving so soon. I told the Dr. about your seeing the light that Thursday a.m. I told him I believed it was a light from the Lord you saw. He agreed that no doubt that was it. I miss you I love you...........BILL-EE

I have to admit this has been a good day. I slept well last night, again, all I can say is thank you Lord. I had breakfast, bacon, grits, biscuits, and jelly with coffee, naturally. I did a big load of clothes, didn't do any laundry last week. This was sheets, towels, etc. They are all folded but I didn't put them away yet. Still in the basket, in the laundry room.           Fay got here around one thirty today. I ate lunch, she was ready to take a nap. I lay down but did not go to sleep. We had left overs for dinner, roast, field peas, salad, and corn bread. Then we went to the church. We stopped at the cemetery, came on home, went to the walking track and actually made a whole round. Then we came home, got comfortable, and watched one of the Janet Oke movies. Now Fay is reading and I am writing this note.         Honey, I was happy to have company this afternoon, evening, and tomorrow. It doesn't stop my missing you. I have begun to think that I was angry at you somewhat, for leaving me. I know how tired you were and I know that you knew I was very tired, also. Then, too, you had quit asking the Lord for just a little sight back, so you actually began to feel your tiredness even more. I still miss you, I love you...................BILL-EE

Halleujah, I slept good last night. I got a great, too long, nap this afternoon. I hope I can go to sleep tonight.         I start having thoughts of you and our time together, especially that last week. I will begin to wonder just what all did I miss by not realizing how sick you really were. If I had forgotten everything else like keeping the place in a neat orderly way and just sat in the room with you the whole days long. I know it doesn't change anything but these thoughts will be in my mind, like suddenly. It only causes my hurt to be worse about your being gone.          Did I say how much I enjoyed last evening with the Haynes' and Tuckers"? I wish you could know Rylan now. He has  grown so much, he is a big 3 year old, funny and smart.         After church this a.m. I went to Subway with Bro & Sis Honea, their granddaughter Sara, and Sarah Hall for a sandwich. What a lunch, huh? You probably would have not agreed to that for a Sunday lunch.        I stopped at the cemetery again on my way home this evening. I know it is just a gravesite, you departed this earth, but that is where I saw your body put, so I have to stop there. I miss you and everything about you and I love you much........BILL-EE

What a day, after a tortuous night. I went to bed early, ten o'clock. Had to get up a little past twelve, although I had been asleep I actually was proud of myself. I was up all night, could not get back to sleep until past six thirty. Even then I was awake every hour. I finally got up but it was past ten o'clock this a.m. I was so glad I didn't have much on the burner for the day.        I actually got a yearning to cook, this week. Today I made a big evening meal. I had asked Ashley and Butch to come over and Lisa, Harold and Chase. I cooked a few things yesterday, red beans. I had to finish it all up today, it had been so long since I had put a good meal together. I actually was afraid it would all be duds. It turned out okay. At least they all said it was very good. I had thought, at first, about calling Dialyn and Glen to come over. I remembered Dialyn is busy getting Kai ready to start back to school. On second thought I figured I would wait and ask them another time. I had a motive, that way I would have  company twice. Don't say I'm not smart. haha. I want to fix Debbie and Duane a meal sometime. If they can ever come down when it isn't for a funeral.         I miss you so much, I enjoyed talking about you, Harold has some good, wild tales to tell about you and he fishing. He talked about going night fishing with you, only once. He said that was scarey to him. I remembered that, and alot of the other things he mentioned.        I knew you were supposed to have five guns, pistols. I could not find the 32, Harold agreed with me that you had a 32. I remember hearing you talk about your 32, don't know where it is. Anyway they are all gone now. The 22 is still here, I guess if Cary wants it he will get it sometimes. I gave Debbie the knife they had bought for you one year at Christmas. There are still three or four knives. I am keeping the one Donnie brought you in '09 and your Roy Rogers knife plus the one you toted around for so many years.           Enough of all that. I am going to try and get to bed early again tonight. Already I have a tummy ache, as I did last night, took an adleve hope that will help. I love you.........BILL-EE

Today I did some vacuuming and cleaning bath rooms good again. I am going to work some at the day care/school. I am tired of just having some cleaning to do. How dirty can a place get with only one person living there anyway? So it is never a hard chore, altho I do get tired when I vacumn.          I left home a little earlier, stopped at the store to pick up a few items before going to the church.            Bro. Honea gave me a key to the church. I wasn't jumping stumps for one I usually got there before anyone else so he didn't want me to have to sit and wait for someone to get there.          I came back to the cemetery for a few minutes. Wish I could stay longer, if I did I just may sit down and I don't know how I would get up.        I made myself a tv meal, have eaten, now writing this note.        I miss you so much and I love you. I am hoping I can get to sleep earlier than usual tonight.............BILL-EE

Guess it is time to write another note. Not much to write about. Good news is I actually had  company for about 30 minutes today. I had been in devotion, had not even dressed, when my phone rang. It was Fay Davis. We talked for a few minutes then the phone was silent. I hung up thinking she will call back in a minute or two. When she hadn't called back I decided to call her, but I heard a knock at my front door. Nowadays no one knocks at my door, thinking oh my, I am not even dressed. Anyway I went to the door and who was there, Fay and Bryon. I said I was just talking to you, glad to have the company for a little while. Fay says she will be back Monday to visit and she is going to spend the night with me. That will be fun.         I called June today to see how she is doing. It has been just two weeks since her mother died. She promised to call me when she comes back to Birmingham. She said they were not going to hurry about taking care of the house and everything. I had been thinking about her, so I called to talk to her.         I had wanted to go by the cemetery today. I decided I better get gas before the price goes up again everywhere. I found Exxon still had it for $3.45, the Chevron on Allison-Bonnet is already $3.55, which means everything on that street has gone up again.          Honey, I may start to quit writing every night, I think. I am never sure exactly how I may feel from one day to the next. As I have already said I think sometimes that I maybe keep you from resting in peace, I don't know. All I do know is that I miss you and am trying to survive without you. That is not an easy thing for me to do. I just read something on fb like, sometimes you smile to hide the ache in your heart, that's close to what it said. All I can say is amen to that, and I will say that you knew I would do that. I love you...........BILL-EE

I just got home s few minutes ago. I went with the Hall family to Arby's after church, had a junior roast beef, curly fries, and even had a chocolate turn over. Now I am too full to even think about going to bed. The Hall's are finally moving into their house. They bought Jan's mothers houses. There is one for Sarah and David and the other one will be Jared's. It was like old times, the four of us.         Ben, my heart, I still have so much to think about, and I still am totally alone. I started writing this blog for myself. It has been therapeutic for me, that is why I did it. Actually it was something, to begin with, that I knew I had to do to be able to go forward. There are times I get to thinking do I keep my loving husband from resting in peace by continuing to write these blogs. Am I doing this to keep him alive for me? Honey, I don't know, I have written so much. I have outlined my days in this blog and have written  many of my thoughts. Some thoughts I have not written but have said them when I am there at the site. I want to know that you are resting in peace. I believe I have received an answer to that. I know I am always going to miss you, to miss talking to you, to miss those times I could walk by you chair, rub your head and kiss you. So many times you would say make that lip o lated. So many memories, so many years together, so many tears I have shed, too many alone times to count, to much feelings of being lost and wondering what to do next. I don't have the answers, only God knows what the future holds for me. Whatever it is I know, as I always did, that I want the Lord's will for the rest of my life. I know that is what you would want of me also and what you would expect me to do, His will. All I can say at this time is, oh God help me, keep those angels around here. I still believe your angel is nearby  as is mine. If I couldn't believe that I would be even more lost than ever. My darling, rest in peace, I love you..........BILL-EE

Today I didn't have so much to do. I ate a small breakfast bar and half a bacon sandwich. Later this afternoon I ate a few left overs from my Sunday lunch.        I talked to Bill Skinner for awhile, he called Verna Mae up to drive his truck home. He had been cutting the grass, doing the trim work he always does,  and also blowing off the car port and drive ways. Anyway I hadn't talked to either of them since my birthday party.         After I left the church I went over to Wal Mart with my grocery list. I hope I won't need to buy much else for some time. Well, next week I will get what I plan to fix for the fourth Sunday lunch at church. I hope what I plan to fix will turn out okay. I have hardly cooked at all this year. One day, end of last week I did some cooking. Needless to say I have to toss most of what I fixed. Kind of foolish to cook then throw it away.         Honey, I still find myself re-living some of the things we did together all those years. I remember things we would talk about; yes I miss the talks every day sometimes all day I am missing talking to you. I just plain miss you and I sure do love you. Sometimes it feels unbearable. I still know I can look again to the hills, from whence cometh my help. I am so blessed to know that. I love you..........BILL-EE

I just got home from the church. I stopped at the cemetery, Honey I feel so all alone. I wanted to lie down beside that gravesite. All I could do not to. Anyway I felt the aloneness so acutely, this evening. There are sisters that attend the church, they, I hope, know how to appreciate being together. Except for you, the past couple of years have been mostly just me. You were all I had, sometimes, it seems and now I don't have you. I told Lisa,when she called this evening, that I have "family time" every night. That is a true statement. Guess that's why I feel like lying down there with you at times.....most of the time. I told you some things, and I ask the Lord to tell you if you didn't hear me.        I am so glad that I know the Lord, don't know what I would do without Him. So, once again, I have told you the thoughts I've had. It was a habit of mine, to tell you everything. Probably would have been better for you had I not done so          Ben Miller, I miss you so and I love you.........One of the times I got to feeling worse instead of better. Another time I should have kept my mouth shut...........Loveyou.........BILL-EE

And yet another night simply could not get to sleep. I think I probably ate too much pizza, cake and ice cream. Anyway I finally went to sleep close to four this a.m. I needed to be up by eight, sorry it was past eight when I got up. I made it to church on time tho.        Heard a great sermon on the curse, I guess we all know that some things happen because of the curse on Adam and Eve. Yes, the earth still does have thorns and briers, etc.          After church me and David ate at the Home Plate Diner. Sarah has had two wisdom teeth cut out, so she wasn't at church today. I got home in time to take a nap. Almost as soon as I got to sleep the phone rang. Isn't that the norm?       Tonight we heard Who Am I, another good sermon. I came home after church tonight. I made a pineapple peanut butter sandwich to eat. It was very tasty. I drank water, hoping that will help the sleep problem.        On my way home, I stopped at the cemetery for awhile. One of the reasons I don't get to sleep is I may start thinking of you and of how much I am missing you, of how lost I still feel. Oh well, it will be a-okay I love you...........BILL-EE

I haven't been home long. I actually went to a skating rink tonight. A 9th birthday party for twin boys, from the church. I told Bro. Honea it would beat sitting here alone all evening, altho I should be use to that by now. I didn't get by the cemetery, as I had planned to do.        I actually did some real work around here today and I went shopping for awhile. Maybe I will sleep well tonight.         Today my thoughts of you got hung up on your way of drying, after a bath. I honestly think even that was unique, never heard of anyone else who did as you. I always say you were a unique fella.        I miss you and I love you. I want to try to get ready for bed early or earlier tonight. So this will be it for today. Love........BILL-EE

Last night turned out to be another one of those nights. I was awake at three forty a.m., could not get back to sleep. I got up around four fifteen and was up until after five o'clock. I sometimes, most oten, when I am awake in those hours will start thinking of how much I miss you. I remember all those nights you would call me wanting to get up, in those early hours.         It looked as if the rain and wind would not hit us today; wrong, when I left the house at five twenty it started sprinkling. At six thirty it was dark all around and the winds blew and the rain came. One thing for sure, man in all his knowledge, can not do anything about the weather. Best to thank God for rain, sunshine, cold, or hot. Keep an umbrella/coat handy and try to keep the a/c or heat on.           I did a big load of laundry, folded, hung the clothes up etc. The hardest chore I did today.         I walked and exercised again today. I am proud of myself. Not really being boastful, just thankful that I can do that.        I wanted to stop by the cemetery today but, there again weather did not permit it. I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

It thundered, rained, wind blew most all this morning. It rained most of the day, until evening.        I had to take some lortab last night. Man, I hate to take anything. It is so hard for me to get awake. I only took 1.25 mg of a tablet, but I can't take much of any medicine, knocks me for a loop. At least keeps me sleeping or wanting to sleep. I hope I can get to sleep tonight without taking meds. If my jaw will just settle down.        I am going to have to get some work done tomorrow. Today has been a slack day for me.        You know how I would tell you that I wish it had been me with the tumor. I still think, if only I had been the one who had to have surgery. You would rebuke me for saying that, but if only it had been me things would maybe have been different. Who knows? I only know that I miss you and had it been me with the tumor, you could still be here today. I realize this way of thinking changes nothing and I am really trying not to have any negative thoughts. I only want to be positive about life, about what life holds.          I love you..........BILL-EE

Another day, woke up at four a.m. Can't get back to sleep, get up at five fifteen, read in Bro Raggio's book for about fifteen minutes. I went down to the living room and had an hour long prayer meeting. That's probably the best way to beat the I can't sleep. I finally got back to sleep around seven a.m. Woe is me, I then over slept.        I had a good productive day. I got all my dish towels and cloths folded and put away, swept and mopped my kitchen, to name a few things I accomplished. I did some walking and even did a few exercises.         Did I say I had just got home from church? After church, Sarah and Sara asked me if I wanted to go with them to Zaxby's, I did. Jared and Brittany came in then David and Sammy, so we had quite a few there before we even got served. Chick Fil A beats even Zaxby's for some good chicken.          I finally got to the bank, went to Winn Dixie for Tums and walked around Fred's. I had time to kill before church.        I thought of you so much and of how I miss you and I want to say I love you............BILL-EE

A normal day for me. I woke up at four fifteen a.m. Couldn't get back to sleep, so got up and had a devotion time. Then after about an hour I lay back down. I did eventual get back to sleep, woke at eight thirty, took a pill and went back to bed for an hour or so. I had beakfast, read my Bible, did some odds and ends for awhile, I folded clothes and put them away, I did some vacuuming, got a shower, looked at fb for awhile. I even lay down for forty five minutes, didn't go to sleep. That about covers my day.         I went to church for awhile, rode by Marathon, Exxon, and Wavaho. Marathon, and Exxon gasoline prices were the same as Chevron in Pleasant Grove. The Wavaho was only two cents less but they don't take this credit card. Besides paying two cents more I had rather have Chevron.         Honey, so many times in the past ten months I have wondered how you felt when we were in the car. You never did care a whole lot about riding with anyone. After you lost all sight you had no idea where you were. That is why I usually would tell you we are turning on Red Farmer Drive, now we are going onto Knight Avenue. You had no idea about those two streets. Anyway I can't help but think about how you really felt. You never said anything, but when you knew I didn't have both hands on the wheel you would tell me to put both on the wheel. Oh, how I still ache for you, it hurts knowing my house is empty. Sometimes it takes knowing that angels are near, for me to come home.         I stopped by the cemetery, stayed for awhile, thinking and saying how much I miss you and that I love you.................BILL-EE

I don't seem to have as much energy as I should be having. I went to bed early last night, it was still past 12 before I went to sleep. I had slept in the early evening.           I left the house to go by the bank I didn't leave early enough, they were closing when I got there. I went on to Wal Mart and picked up a few things, then on to the church. I came by the Blue Plate Diner, ate some veggies. I, of course, had part left over. Another meal of veggies.          Gas across the street from us (Chevron) was $3.39 when I left the house. I promised myself I would fill up again when I got home. Only thing is it had changed to $3.46. This gasoline business is getting worse and worse. Now that I think of it, it may have changed yesterday. I really don't know if I looked at it today.           Sometimes the ache in my heart, for you seems more then I can bear. Today a verse of scripture came to mind......I like the part that is He leadeth me beside the still waters. I have prayed for the still waters.         Another summer storm hit us this afternoon, late. It has stormed every day except yesterday in this month of August.        I am going to try and get in bed by eleven o'clock tonight and pray I can go straight to sleep. I miss you no matter where I am or what I am doing and I love you..........BILL-EE

I am home now. I didn't make it to church. Duane left a little past four, I had been feeling so sleepy and yes, tired. I called and told them I was going to rest up tonight. I am still sleepy and tired but I wanted to write while I am awake.       We ate at the Chinese restaurant, after church. Then Duane and I stopped at the cemetery for a few minutes. When we got home Duane changed clothes and packed his car. We talked for awhile and Duane left.         I have to say I do feel like lonely this evening. After all I have had company since last Wednesday. The first time anyone has been here with me more than a couple of nights (fourth wekends) since January when Milton died.       I have to do sheets and towels  etc. for the next couple of days. Maybe being busy will help. I miss Icy, knowing she is gone, is hurtful. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE           I lay down again after writing this, when I got up I took sheets off the guest bed, folded a few clothes I hadn't yet done, ate a few bites of food. Now I am here again telling you that I miss not having you here to "hash" over our visit with the four children and your brother and sis-in-law. All I can do is ask again Lord Help Me. I probably won't see anyone else here at the house until 8/25. I will try to stay busy and do the best I can..........BILL-EE 

This has been another hard day. Icy's funeral, first you Honey, then Milton and now Icy. The Minnie Miller Family dropped by three so fast. There was only five of us in the photo today.            Duane came in yesterday afternoon, Debbie came last night also Lisa spent the night. Ulmer and Clara went home today after the burial. They had just got the marker down on Milton's grave, of course Icy's marker is there. It hasn't been easy the last few days.        Ulmer and Clara had said they were going  by the cemetery to your grave site. It has rained so much the past couple of days we didn't make it.         Duane, Debbie, and Lisa are still here. They will all three spend the night again.          Dialyn wanted one of your pistols, so we went thru the guns tonight. I am glad I have them all taken care of now. Duane will get his back, Harold's is put aside for him, Chase decided he wanted the 38 you got from my brother and Cary will get the 22 rifle or the Remington, if he choses. I still have all the many knives to give away. I gave Debbie the one they had given you for Christmas one year and I gave Glen one to keep for Kai. If Cary doesn't want the Remington Harold will get it.        Dialyn and Glen left for home a little while ago. It has been wonderful for me to have all four of our children here with me this afternoon and evening.           I am going to give your $2.00 bills to the granddaughters and greats. I am keeping the knife (new) one that Donnie brought you in 2009 and your Roy Rogers knife. I love you and I miss you ................BILL-EE

I am writing early this evening. This evening we will be going to the funeral home for viewing. This is a very sad occasion for me. Icy and I were always close, since we were married to Miller brothers. Never once did we ever have anything but love for each other. Of course, Milton was like a brother to me, as were Sid and Ulmer. No problems between brothers and their wives.         We just got back from the Home Plate Diner. We had veggies for lunch (a late one).       Debbie is on her way. she is going by Lisa's office to change, she will be only a couple of blocks from the funeral home.         Honey, I miss you and I love you.........BILL-EE

We got up, ate cereal, drank coffee. I did a load of laundry. After showers and dressing we finally decided to go on over to Chick Fil A to eat. It had already been raining some, soon after we got on the road it came a "gully washer". We turned in at Jacks we were not going any farther, then it suddenly slacked and Ulmer got back on the street and said we would go on. Almost as soon as we got on the interstate, we realized we would not be moving very fast. We crept along, finally a couple of police cars came along. I could see they had stopped about half a mile or so down the road. Traffic moved a little faster, we changed lanes and went on. There had been an accident, goodness I don't know how that 18 wheeler got in the position it was in. It looked as if it was barely hanging onto a barrier, over a road. That was scary. All the way it was still raining, got hard again. I had been praying for a slack in the rain, when we exited at #1 it just about stopped. We got in the restaurant, ate, and got back to the car before the next down pour. Boy, did I ever enjoy that chicken! Beats any nuggets I've tried any place else.         Basically our day, except Clara wanted to go in the thrift store, the rain had slowed again. She was looking at blouses. I decided to check dresses, I went to the dress isle and did some looking. I had felt my breathing getting bad, I walked back to where Ulmer was standing, Clara was looking at something else now. I asked Ulmer what she was looking for and I hardly had a voice. They were quite ready to get me out of there. I have always told everyone, I cannot shop the thrift stores, allergies, you know. I knew it was harming my breathing but I had no idea how bad it really was until I tried to talk. It was bad for an hour or so. Then I didn't feel so good. I told them I had to lie down. So I did and I slept for a while, felt better later.         Dreading tomorrow, will go to visitation for Icy tomorrow at four thirty. I will not try to look at her, not wanting to appear dissrespectful, but.......Honey I still miss you, it is still too soon for me. I love you and I am thankful I told Icy last week and Tuesday that I loved her, and truly I did..........BILL-EE

This is hard to write. Icy died today. In ten months we have lost, first of all; you, Ben Miller then Milton and now Icy. It has been another harrowing year. Strange thing, I suddenly had this "feeling" and I thought Icy has died. I looked down at my watch, it was about five thirty. I checked the time because I wondered did she die. She died at five thirty they said.           I saw a puddle of water in the furnace room Monday. I didn't see any water in the ceiling so I knew I didn't have a leak. I couldn't imagine where it came from. We had a bad storm Monday night. I checked the room to see if there was any water. There was a little stream coming from the hot water tank. Bro. Honea called to ask me about Icy, I thought about the water tank so I asked him how do I turn the hot water off, that I had a leak. He said he would come over and check it, he did. So happened he had a new hot water heater he had found on sale, at Lowe's, several years ago. He brought it along and installed it. He said when I told him it was leaking he knew it needed replacing. Fifty gallon tank, cost one hundred dollars. It is new, and thank God and Bro. Honea I have a new hot water heater.          Ulmer and Clara are here, they will be here until after the funeral. I miss you very much and I love you..........BILL-EE

I have been busy, kind of, today. Clara called this a.m.. and told me that Icy was in the hospital. I called June and talked to her. I showered, shampooed my hair, did some vacuuming, and other chores. I got ready to go to the hospital. That was a very hard thing for me. I had just seen Icy last Friday and I felt like she may not be with us for long. Walking down the hall of that hospital was such a hard thing for me. I have made so many walks down those halls. Only ten months ago with my dear husband, for the last time. (I cannot begin to say how many times he was in that hospital.) Then his oldest brother only four months later and now Icy. Feels like 1997 all over, only worse, because one of these was the most wonderful man who ever lived. One I miss so terribly much and Honey, I love you....................BILL-EE

I stopped at the cemetery again. I really did want to just lay down there beside your grave and stay for....how long? I knew I could not do that, also I realize that is not healthy thinking. As I stood there I wondered what did you pray when you prayed for me and our children. I regretted, again, even tho you told me to go on and soak my toes, what would you have said to me.        I felt proud of myself by the time I got home because I listened to the cd "I Can Only Imagine". That was a plus for me. Some exciting things happened to me today. I won't try to write it all down. It is the kind of thing that would have kept us talking for awhile.         Debbie called this evening, before I got home. I called her back and we had a good conversation. She is going to a surgeon tomorrow. She had to go to ER Sunday with pain. They found gall stones but don't think that was the reason for the pain. She will be okay. Supposed to call me after she has seen the doctor.          It is getting late, I need to get ready to get in bed. I am trying to go to bed earlier these days. I don't know how it will work out, I still am awake at midnight, even tho I go to bed early. I miss you and I love you..........BILL-EE

I just got home about three minutes ago. After church me and Sis Honea went to Dairy Queen. We ate and then had a small blizzard, and talked. When it is just the two of us we can really talk. We talk about olden times at Bible Tabernacle but mostly about all the Lord is doing for us at Deeper Life. Tonight after we left out of the Dairy Queen we stood by our cars and talked for another thirty minutes or so. It was so good for me. It has been a long while since I have had anyone to talk to like that.         It seems on Sundays I am in church all day. I leave the house abou nine forty or so. I pick up the lady I give a ride to, we are at the church around ten or so. After church, I take her home, go to eat, come home take a short nap and go back to church again. My Sundays are full, if no other day is.       Today I came by the cemetery, it was hot, I leaned on the dogwood tree, in the shade, and talked to my husband. I can tell you things that I can't tell anyone else.I tell you how I miss you, I tell you how I feel about being alone so much, and everything else that I think or feel. I tell you that I love you, I tell you thanks for praying for me and our children. As always I say Lord if he can't hear me please will you tell him I love him. I love you...........BILL-EE

Today was busy. I left home about ten thirty or eleven o'clock this a.m. I went to New Life Church where Lisa and Ashley were helping a friend decorate. I didn't do much to help, I watched them work. They worked for a few hours, then everyone went home for an hour or so. I went to Lisa's. Later we went back to the church for a graduation party. It was fun.         One of Lisa's long ago friends, who lives in Texas, was in Birmingham. Lisa was so excited getting to see her again. They have been friends since early 80's. I enjoyed seeing her again, too. Meeting two of her children and her husband. That made the evening even nicer. Lisa had invited them to come to the party.          I am home (alone) as always. I started back to Lisa's for awhile but changed my mind. Had stopped at Publix to get a few items, while waiting for them I changed my mind and came on home.          How to answer all the people who will ask me (always) how are you doing? What do I say, I think of my husband almost constantly. Thinking of him now, but I'll say I am doing o.k. I am not being untruthful, I call myself doing o.k. all the time. I have to be doing o.k. I won't try to explan my true feelings, besides well. I only know that I am always missing you and that I love you, Ben Miller............BILL-EE

My heart is heavier than ever this evening. I finally got to visit Icy, she doesn't look good at all. I could only think of when I first saw Milton after Ben's death. Makes me even more thankful for knowing where I can go to find help,some comfort, and to know that I can make it with the Lord;s help. Otherwise I, too, would be like she is. Of course, she is 10 years older and her health is worse then mine. She just hasn't been able to find peace of any kind.         I am writing early this evening, I may go over to Lisa's. Just thinking about it for now. Toshea did tell Lisa to invite me to her sons after graduation party so I know if nothing happens I will go over there tomorrow. Give me something to do, people to see, etc.       When I think about how much I miss you, and go to Milton's and Icy's and find out how much I miss Milton, makes it harder to go to their house. They have around-the-clock help with Icy now. Wouldn't I be in a pickle, if I didn't know God and His mercies?          I miss you and I love you............I am writing again. All evening I have been thinking of all the many phases I have gone through in the past ten months. There has been many, and also many different thoughts. Sometimes thinking why get up? I can just not get up. Then I would begin to think of maybe there is a reason to get up, I still can't say. Thoughts of, well I won't say anymore.        I started writing this blog ten months ago. I knew I was going to have to do something, no, Honey, maybe you were never going to read this, yet I knew right away I had to have some kind of outlet. So I do, and have done, this for Billie. I needed some thing for me, to keep me traveling on. I knew that is what you would want me to do. I stopped by the cemetery. I have done that lots. So I talk to you there, I tell you my thoughts, I tell you how I miss you, I tell you that I love you. Just in case you don't hear me I ask the Lord to please say these things for me, to you. Guess I have alot more I could say but I will say I can't see the page to well right now, I will end again with I love you......................BILL-EE

Ten months ago I watched them lower you into the ground. I felt that now my life is ended, Lord help me. I still have my life, it didn't end, sometimes it feels as if it is standing still. So I am still saying, Lord help me.        I woke this a.m. at four thirteen, did not get back to sleep 'til past eight. I took about a fifteen minute nap today.        Bro. Honea called me and said he had taken Vickie to ER. He didn't get back home until past five this evening, he had taken Zoey to his house. After church I took Zoey home and checked on Vickie. My intentions had been to go by the cemetery but it was too dark for that. I felt bad that I did not go by, but I know what you would have said about my decision to check on Vickie.     Of course, as is true every day I have been alone today. Dialyn and Lisa called me otherwise I haven't talked to anyone, except someone with VA called this morning. The guy in Birmingham VA called but I had already left the house when he called.        Ben Miller, my honey, I can't explain how I feel. Thankful that I am still able to take care of me. Though not very good. I know I don't half eat as I should but I am trying, as I know you would want me to do. Sometimes, most of the time I kind of feel blah. Mostly like what do I do next.         This week I have hugged your jacket tightly, this a.m. I sat in your chair. I still feel lost and so alone. I do still remember to look to the Hills, where comes my help. I miss you I love you...........BILL-EE

Again, I just got home. I took Alisha home. I had not found where David and Sarah would be going to eat. As I drove by Krystal I noticed a black truck, then I thought that I saw Sarah. I started on home, but then I turned around and went back. I was right that is where they were. We ate, and now I am home. It is getting late and I want to be real sleepy when I go to bed. I keep thinking of ten months ago and knowing that even after ten months nothing has changed, I still miss you as much as ever and I still love you........BILL-EE

Just got home from church. After prayer meeting we all went to Pizza Hut. They had their buffet. I ate a salad, baked spaghetti, pizza, and the sweet cakes. It was a nice time, except Aubrey was a litle wild.      Today was a very ordinary day for me. I plan to try to go visit Icy for a little while tomorrow, if she feels like having company.         I kept thinking about what 9/24 was like for me. The only thing I can remember well about that day was being at the funeral home, the florist, and checking to see if the funerals we paid for years before, if anything was covered. What else happened, I do not know. That was a very stressful day. I am missing you as usual and I love you..........BILL-EE