Dec 30, 2011

This year is almost over, Honey. Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I got out for awhile today. I went by the cemetery and removed the Christmas stuff. I did leave the star Debbie had bought, I took a lone flower and put there with the flags. Lisa said something about putting the beautiful plaque she had bought on there. I hope she can come over sometime tomorrow and do that. I am downstairs, it is easier to write on the larger keyboard than what it is on the lap top board. Chase gave me a new board for Christmas. I hope I can get it to work on the lap top. Debbie gave me a snuggle, I have it on now. Honey, I really did have a good time  being with all our children, most of the grands and greats. I sure did think of you alot. You loved it when we were all together. You enjoyed the last reunion, my family, your birthday, in '09. I had hoped to have another one a few months ago but it didn't happen. I know that you knew all my neices and nephews, their children and spouses  loved you. Who could help but love you? You were special!!!!  A lot of people loved you and I loved you most of all and I miss you much. The commode is still not working, guess I'll try to buy that inside and see if I can fix it. I need to learn to be a Ms Fixer. Miss you love you......BILL-EE

Dec 29, 2011

Honey, this has been a day without much going on. It was cold, leastways I was cold all day. Finally had to turn the heater on to get warmed up. I didn't get out. I did do a load of laundry. All the Christmas decorations still setting by the front door. Like I said I felt cold so I decided to stay in.  I kept thinking I would go over to the cemetery but didn't even do that. Of course, the same ole excuse I felt cold and didn't go out. I bought a dinner to bring home yesterday, so all I had to do is heat it. I had plenty to eat. Some days it seems I miss you more than ever.  Today has been one of those days. I will probably get out most of tomorrow. Don't want to have another stay at home day. Honey, I love you and I miss you so much...............BILL-EE

Dec 28, 2011

Yesterday I was early, today I am late. That is kind of the way my life goes these days, Honey. One sure fact is I miss you whether early or late. I went to the cemetery today, first time in a week. I have missed my trips there too. I got my bag unpacked today, and got clothes I had washed and folded last Thursday put away. I didn't get any of the Christmas decorations to the shed but I will. I went to a few places looking for a gray skirt to wear to the wedding Sunday didn't find one. I then went to the Home Plate Diner got some vegetables, to eat, for my evening meal. I even bought another dinner to have for tomorrow. It was still a little early so I drove around Hueytown before church time. We had a good church service tonight. I got home from church around 9. Still up, thinking I will get to bed soon. I am still living in the living room and kitchen. The commode, in the hall bath room is broken, makes it a little hard on me. I have to go to the other bath room now. Guess I probably will have to call a plumber to get that commode fixed. Honey, you see how exciting my life is right now. I have to remember I am only a half, because we two were one. I miss you I love you and I don't know how to be at times. I will keep smiling, love you.......BILL-EE

Dec 27, 2011

Honey, I am back home. I have never written you a note this early in the day. I got home at 1 o'clock, unloaded the car. Then I started right up putting away Christmas stuff, and bringing the things we had put away back to book cases, etc. I have got everything lined up at front door to be taken to the shed. I am tired now. I can hear you saying, you need to lie down and rest for awhile. Honey, you really did try to look out for me, you loved me and oh, how I loved you. These last few days are the longest I have been away from home since I got home from the rehab, first of the year. The first year we didn't go to the Dardens' for several days. We were there May 1st, on your birthday, for a couple of days. We went back in June. That was a round trip, there and back in a day. That was the only time you went any place all year, except we did go to the Spences' on labor day. Of course we were both gone from home the first 5 weeks of this year. That was not because we wanted to be, it was a necessity. I still have a few things to do this evening so I am going to write again tomorrow. I miss you and love you much........BILL-EE

Dec 26, 2011

On  9/26/11 we had your memorial service at New Life. Honey you would have been so pleased with it. It was such a beautiful service. Ben I miss you so much. Today truly has not been a good day. To many memories, to much to think about....all you. I am still in GA, I will go home tomorrow. Tonight I am not going to write much I am going to say I miss you and I love you much..........BILL-EE

Dec. 25, 2011

Christmas 2011 is close to being over. All day I have remembered 9/25/2011. I was heartsick all that day. Of course it was Sunday. Bro. Sutton didn't have church at New Life Pentecostal, I wanted my husband to be in church, his last night. He had wanted that, too. The next day on 9/26 we would be having his memorial service, celebrating his leaving this earth for a home in heaven. The pain I felt standing beside that coffin that night. My dear husband had left me for a much better place. He again could see and walk, but I knew the pain I felt was real. I also knew there was no medicine to stop that pain. Honey, I don't know why this week was exactly as it was in September. Why did 12/25 have to be the day of the week as 9/25? Why do I still have to hurt? I am still at the Darden home. Duane has been here today again, all the Darden children and grands were here this evening. We ate, they passed out gifts, we played a game. It was a nice Christmas, but I thought about you so much and missed having you here. You and I were here last Christmas. I kept thinking about that, and about how much I miss you. I am trying to be brave, it isn't easy because I do miss you so and I love you......BILL-EE

Dec 24, 2011

Christmas Eve, Honey.  I remember when Louise Maughon used to tell me when they arrived at BT, you were waiting there for them, and she said something about the good looking man there to meet them. Something of that effect. Honey, our children, grands, greats and I had a wonderful day. We ate brunch.....Mostly ate all morning and early afternoon. Then we passed out gifts. Wow, I really felt like a santa had come to see me. I got soooo many good gifts. Debbie and Lisa bought something for the marker when they get it down so you were not left out. We had a lot to do on that day. We went to the funeral home to make all the funeral arrangements. Lisa called La Cole Florist, the lady stayed there so we could pick out flowers. The florists close early on Saturday. David, at Pattersons, said the arrangements (funerals) you and I bought years before were not any good. The company had bankrupted. They did honor the casket and vault, which I was very thankful for. At least the people who had bought that site, honored that part of what we had bought. Bro Honea made a big pot of chili, brought to the house, for us to eat that evening. There were so many people at our house. I was in so much pain I couldn't really enjoy all the family who showed up. Bro Honea had brought BBQ on Friday night also Betty, Sid, and Laura came over Friday. They also brought food. Vernie Mae baked a big cake for us. I still miss you and I love you...just remembering..........BILL-EE

Dec 23, 2011

This is Friday 12/23, I have remembered clearly Friday 9/23. That was the day my husband's heart stopped beating. He went to be with the Lord that day at 12:35. My heart has been so heavy and hurting since that day. I am in GA, the whole family except Nathan, Michael, Michelle, and Sharon. That has made this day much more livable for me. We had a time tonight everyone could tell of  something they remembered about you. Mostly it was one of your fishing trips. Harold had some good things to say about that, so did Duane. Cary even had a memory of fishing with you. Glen remembered why he couldn't fish with you. Tot reminded us how you were never wrong. We had a good time with our memories, and playing a game Lisa had . She read a story, mostly about you and we passed a gift around when she stopped reading whoever had the gift could keep it. The gift was $20.00. It has been good being here. All of us Alabamians are spending the night at the Darden house. Everyone will be back in the a.m. for brunch and giving gifts out to the greats. I will probably be up for awhile with the girls. We all missed you. You were always "in the middle" of it all when we were together. We all love you and miss you but I love and miss you most of all...........BILL-EE

Dec 22, 2011

All day I have been thinking of 9/22, Thursday. You woke feeling "Chipper", you told me you could see light. Honey, you were so happy even "jolly" sounding. I told you maybe you are going to get some sight back after all. We got you dressed, started downstairs. Your words, about half way through the bed room were, "I could see light laying there in the bed, now everything is all black again." You still acted as if you felt good. You ate a good breakfast. Bro Honea brought lunch, you ate a big lunch. Time for supper you did not eat much. That day we talked about how hard it had gotten for you to walk. Actually, that day you would walk a few steps then start  complaining about being so tired. I would have you to turn around, sit on the rollater and push with your feet while I guided. That's about the way it had been for the past couple of weeks. I kept telling you I don't know exactly what we're going to do, it was getting harder for me to care for you. I would say but we will be o.k. As I said you didn't eat much supper. After a  couple hours you began complaining about a stomache ache. We went to the bath room, then decided instead of going back downstairs we would take you on to the bedroom. Oh, Honey, I had no idea you were so sick. It has taken me over 2 months to feel some peace with myself, I felt I had let you down. You see Honey, we both were worn out and you were not well. I was so tired and stressed trying to be a good care giver. You always told me I did a good job, but I could never get you to talk to me, you would always just say that you were fine, even when you weren't. The rest is history, you finally said you would go to hospital. You did, and you left me, I am only a half now. It took both of us to be one. Yes, I miss you . I really don't know how to go on alone but I know you would want me to, so I am trying. Ben Miller,I love you..........BILL-EE

Dec 21, 2011

Wednesday 9/21, I am remembering you on tht day, Ben. You stayed in the room all day. I fixed your usual breakfast and your usual cup of strong coffee. I believe you went back to bed for awhile. I brought a more comfortable chair up to the bed room for you. You had your lunch (sandwich) and a big glass of butter milk. You sat up in the chair for a long while. You never got dressed that day, sat in your robe. For supper I fixed you salisbury steak, potatoes & gravy, green beans, and those little cakes you liked. I ate my supper in the bedroom, too. I think it was probably around 9 0'clock when you said your stomache hurt. First time you had  complained of hurting. Honey, if you ever had pain you didn't tell me. Of course, we didn't even try to get to church that evening. You took your meds about 9:30 and seemed to sleep fairly well that night. I went by the cemetery this afternoon, it seemed when I was leaving, that you wanted me to stay longer. I turned around and went back to the grave site and stayed another few minutes. I have been to church, we had home made soup after church. Sis Honea and I talked for a while after everyone was gone. I didn't get home until 10:00. Honey, I miss you so. Linda and Joe Odom are coming in the morning, they are taking me to lunch. I need to get ready for bed but not before I say I love you, Ben Miller.............BILL-EE

Dec 20, 2011

Here I am again it's Tuesday night and I am missing you. Honey, I have been thinking  about the Tuesday 9/20, you didn't want to get up that morning. So I made you a bacon and egg biscuit. I fixed you a cup of coffee, put that little table up and got you in a chair so you could eat, You took your meds and lay back down on the bed. You were tired, you said. I laughingly asked why you were tired all you had done was eat. I surely did not realize you could really be sick, you never complained about having any pain. You stayed in bed most all day, well you did get up and sit in a chair, until late afternoon. Then you wanted to come downstairs. That is when you listened to the preaching tape. You ate a good supper and stayed up until around 10. We listened to WXJC, Wayne Wallace. That was always our evenings, listening to the gospel songs he played. Oh I can see you now, how you would worship as you listened, how you would praise the Lord.  That was the delight of my days. Watching you, listening to you. How I wish I could hear you again say, amen, halleujah, thank you Jesus. Allison sometimes was here and she also enjoyed being here, seeing you worship and praising the Lord. I believe that grandddaughter will someday make you very proud and I am so happy!!! Honey, I miss you so and I love you...........BILL-EE

Dec 19, 2011

Honey, looking at the calendar I realized all the days this week are exactly as they were in Sept. The 22nd is Thursday, took you to ER on 9/22, 23rd is Friday . At 12:35 9/23 your heart quit beating, you quietly slipped from this world to another one. You went to a place of continueous sunshine and happiness, where you can see and walk. My heart breaks all over again each day and especially as I realize each day this week is as the last week you lived. Ben I miss you so much. How could I ever say how much? I can't. Tomorrow 12/20,  Tuesday, you stayed in bed until around 4: o'clock. You called BILL-EE I am ready to go downstairs. When you got to the stairs, you were so tired. I told you to sit on the stair, set the tape player and played the preaching tape. You listened to it again. Preached on 12/22/91...If HE Came Once, HE Will Come Again. That is when I heard you say, Jesus come on, come and get us, I am ready. then, I am so tired. It hurts remembering that evening but I am so glad I did. You didn't mean for me to hear but I did. It won't be an easy week to get through, but I again look to the hills. I didn't go to sleep last night until past 3 a.m. I sure hope I can sleep tonight, I need to get to bed soon, so I will say again I miss you very much and Honey, I love you...............BILL-EE

Dec 18, 2011

Ben, Today is been a good day. Went to church, had a great time worshipping and praising the Lord. The  whole service was good, as per usual. Allison was there, that made it all the more wonderful. It was all the way you would have loved. After service Allison and I went with the Halls' and Honeas' to eat.  I then went by the cemetery, on home, and even got in a short nap. Was back at church at 4:30, had a music recital, ate chili and donuts, then back into church for a Sunday night service. So you can see that it really was a good day!!! Also it was a beautiful sunshiny day, not so cold. In a few minutes it will be Michaels birthday. I saw a picture Duane put on fb of him and Michael when Michael was a only a few days old. I have one some place of you, Duane and Michael asleep on the couch, talk about like father, like son. As I was on my way home passing the cemetery, I hurt so bad, thinking of how much I miss you. Honey, I wonder will I ever not miss  you, I think not. Neither will there be a time that I don't love you........BILL-EE

Dec 17. 2011

Honey, I am writing you a note early tonight. I am tired, finally under taken the job of cleaning out the drawers in the big bath room. Wow!! I never imagined I had so much I could throw away. I threw away some years of accumalation. I chunked hair rollers, 2 sets of the last rollers I knew anything about plus my really old set from years and years ago. Couldn't tell there was anymore space than before. Anyway, that about says what my day was like. I did get my hair shampooed in between. I am proud of myself. You would be proud, too. I did take time to clean the console (front seat) of the Buick, I also cranked it, let it run for a while, then I did drive it out the driveway, Morningside Drive and came back to carport Beach Circle. It was not a long drive, but it cranked right up, still sounds good and drives good. I have to get it cleaned out next week, for sure. It needs a good wash job, as per usual. Even if I stayed busy today, I thought of you much. I would find something that we used for you or something that was yours, that didn't help me. I know I will always be missing you, it is still so hard to comprehend, you are gone. You left me, even though I was  begging you to get better. I keep reminding myself, he now can see. I wonder what you see, I know it is beautiful whatever. Everything about the Lord is beautiful, so I just know you are seeing real beauty. I need to go find something to eat, I know I do not eat exactly right. Oh, well ....I miss you each and every day and Honey I love you..............BILL-EE

Dec 16, 2011

Ben, How I miss you!!!!! I can't say much about the day, definitely not my best day. I was at the church helping a little, tonight was the academys'  christmas program night. Something happened and I went into the church kitchen, the ladies all looked at me. I said take my hand. We held hands and began to pray, Sis Honea said as we were leaving the church (around 10:) that when she opened the door she felt the power of God. Hey, Honey I remember how you loved hearing talk like that. For over 43 years, that was your kind of talk. Oh, yes Honey I have loads of memories of talk like that, that we heard all those years. Yes, you loved it and so did I and I still do. I heard you praying and I knew many times that you were praying for me. You loved me and you wanted me to be strong in the Lord always, so you prayed for me. I miss sharing our devotion after breakfast, I have it alone, not really alone God is there. I made it by the cemetery today, didn't think I would be able to because it rained most all day. It had stopped raining so I went by, thankful I was able to. I also went by funeral home, the plaque had come in. I got to see it. I had gone by there to pay for the granite, David said it had just come in this week and he showed it to me. I am so glad, they should have the marker down in a few weeks, hopefully. I talked, as always, when I stood at the gravesite. I always say, "I love you Ben Miller and oh how I miss you. As I always do when I write this note.....I love you..........BILL-EE

Dec 15, 2011

Honey, I love you, I miss you . It is late, I sat down at the computer to write you a note. Wouldn't you know the phone would ring? After I got off phone I started on something else, just now writing. 12/14 was not any different than a lot of my days I didn't do much of anything only got out long enough to go to the mail box. It rained here today. A lady is supposed to be here Monday to clean the house, so I decided not to do any serious cleaning, as I usually would do. Anyway I usually keep everything orderly around here. I think of you so much, I am so happy that I have finally felt at peace. I thought at first that I had been angry at myself and at you, as I would think over the past weeks I began to realize I really believe it was guilt. I felt I had let you down, had not done all I could have for you. I know we both had not been well this year. Seems I was always tired, but I do know that I did all I knew to do to take care of you, I loved you very much. I still love you that won't change. It has gotten so late now, and I do want to get some sleep tonight. I miss you so, when I lie down, I think and I don't always get to sleep until late. I hope to get to MS after first of the year for a few days. I asked Tammy to ride down with me. Allison & Baby is probably going to move in with me. I will write more about that, as time goes on. Most of all I just want to say Ben Miller I love you.........BILL-EE

Dec 14, 2011

Honey, Sure wish I had you to talk to. You always seemed to know what one should do in certain situations. Rhonda came over, picked me up we went out for lunch. I sure did enjoy it, enjoyed talking to her. God always knows what one really needs. I got by the cemetery this afternoon, went over to the day care/school for awhile. Then I went to eat with Heidi, her young daughter, and our great, then on to church. Had a good service. There will be a program at church Friday night, the middle and high school children. Of course there will be food and it is always so good. I remember how you enjoyed the good food. There is some excellent cooks at that church. Yummy good. I sure do miss you and sometimes when I stop by the cemetery I sometimes will talk to you. Of course I know you won't answer but it helps to get those thoughts out. Today I told you that you really had wisdom, I need to get more wisdom. The Wise Man, Solomon, said to pray for wisdom, I have done that for years. Now I am asking for a lot more of wisdom. I did get some laundry done yesterday, got the clothes folded and put away. No matter how much or how long I work I am still missing you...and Honey, I love you.........BILL-EE

Dec 13.2011

Honey, I am still missing you as much as ever, I still love you as much as ever. I am still hurting because you are gone from me. All in all, the day was a good day. The Lord is still so good to me, remember how we would talk of how good God had always been to us. I got a phone call this A.M. from our friend Sis Rhonda, she ask me to have lunch with her. Tomorrow she will pick me up about 11:30 and we will have lunch together. I am excited about that, it will be great I know. You would be smiling about it, too. I got by the cemetery today, after I went to the bank and did a little shopping. I got an early dinner while I was out. So much is happening right now, things I won't write about in these notes. If you were here I could ask you what to do, now I have to try and make all decisions alone, but not before doing some praying. Honey, I am still working on this "alone" business, we always talked about everything. Going alone is so different, after all the years we had together. Whatever we did we would do together, even if I maybe didn't agree, it was a okay. I am going to try and make a few phone calls then get in bed maybe a little early, and pray I will go to sleep. I miss you...I love you............BILL-EE

Dec.12,2011

Honey, I miss you, I love you. I am sure I will probably always have an ache, in my heart, because I don't have My Ben anymore. Your love will be with me, and the things I know you would be expecting me to do. So I am really trying, Last night I cried and mourned for you. I thought of so many things, years of living with you, years of sharing our lifes, our thoughts, our tears, grief, and yes, our laughter. Last night I really prayed, I asked God for specifics for me, today I have had a better feeling about everything. I have God to thank, and believe me, honey, I have thanked and praised HIM. Of course I know I will have my thoughts, same as always. I do understand that I will again cry and mourn you but I think I can do that and still feel at peace with God and myself. If possible, I want to try and visit some this holiday, and hopefully can get to Janells' wedding. I do so want to be there. I will keep writing the note to you, regardless. If I am not where I can write on the blog, I will put it on paper and onto the blog later. I cannot say how much I miss you, I just know and feel I am only half a person now. Sweetheart, my love, I love you so much. I can almost hear you saying "I love you, too, more than I can say". That's how I love you, more than I can say...........BILL-EE

Dec 11. 2011

Ben Miller, you were difinitely the better half of me, because now I feel like I am only, not even, half here. I know how very much I needed the girls with me yesterday. I made it to church this morning, went out to eat with the Hall Family. Afterwards we had ice ceam at this quaint ice cream shop. I got home, only had less than an hour to be back at church. My heart has ached so much, I don't know how to go. I miss you so, Ben. I did get by the cemetery for a few minutes today. I am praying the marker will get down soon. These things take so long.  It is still brrr cold, I am in the den and it is really cold in here. I am hoping for a good night of sleep tonight, it is so hard to sleep when my heart seems to be aching so much. It aches because I miss you and Honey, I love you..........BILL-EE

Dec 10, 2011

Honey, This is the day, our 61st anniversary day. Lisa came over this A.M., we went to Cracker Barrel for brunch. Dialyn, Glen, Kai, and Kamilla met us there. Glen had to leave to go to work, the rest of us went to Vickies' house for Zoeys birthday party, we stayed for a little while and then we went to Target to shop. Dialyn and the kids went home, Lisa and I went on to the church to the ladies christmas party. We stayed busy, not so busy that I couldn't have my time to cry and mourn you. Honey, I miss you so much. This was our day and you were not here with me. I pray I can learn to live all alone. I am so thankful for our girls, for the way they look at my situation, and are there for me. You know Debbie was here last week and went to the Miller Christmas with me. I know our son would be here, too, if he could be also Sharon would probably be here. I pray for good jobs for them and another car. Lord, please let My Ben know how much I miss him and love him. I will always be........BILL-EE                                       

Dec.9, 2011

I love you Ben Miller, but you are gone from me. I have been trying not to think about the date, not to think about us. I can't help it. I keep thinking did this or that or something else cause you to have a problem. Why did you get to the point where you couldn't walk as well as usual? Why did this happen? Don't you know how I feel with you gone? I am just curling up on the love seat at night to sleep, then I have a problem getting to sleep. All because I wonder could I have done better. I truly thought I was doing all I could, but I keep asking myself did I. All this is because tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Would be 61 years since we said our "I dos". I keep praying, help me Lord to get over another huddle. Christmas just around the corner, my first without you, since 1951. I had gone back to Mississippi, you would be discharged in a little over 3 months, our first baby due in 3 months. Oh how great our lives were. Four beautiful children that God blessed us with. They were exemplary children, according to the principal of the school they attended. I could go on and on, as you and I sometimes would do, when we counted our blessings. Wish I could say again "pray for me, honey". I miss you so much tonight, We never had any big celebrations, but we had each other, that was enough for us. I miss you, I love you..........BILL-EE

Dec.8, 2011

Ben, what a day it has been. I didn't really want to get up this morning, because I miss you so much. I did get up, ate some left-overs, took a shower, made a phone call,  went to the cemetery. I put the star Debbie bought, I just attached it to the crosses. It looked good, so I thought. I then went to General Dollar, bought a little gift for our greats. I also got a couple of birthday cards. Then I drove down to the Homeplate Diner, got a plate, brought it home to eat. On the way home, thinking of you, and knowing how much I miss you. I wish you were still with me. I began my usual (sometimes) yelling, then I thought it's time to look again to the hills, from whence cometh my help. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, I know, too, that I am all alone thinking of our last anniversary, and thinking about the one that is getting so close. Yes, it makes me want to scream and yell. All I do is cry and cry. I would never believe I could miss you this much, but we were so together, and we cared so much. I will always try and remember how and what you would expect of me, and be the one who loves you honey and the one who misses hearing your............BILL-EE

Dec. 7, 2011

Honey, I am writing my note to you early this evening. I am ready for church, am really looking forward to being there. I miss you so much, thinking about getting you down the stairs (9 of them), getting you across the den and out the door. We really had some times getting out the door. You would always get in the car without any help, when it was you and me getting you in the car. I never could figure why others, who helped  you, seemed to have to tell you so much , they would get impatient. Guess the real problem with that was people was not with you as I was. It has been another rainy, dreary day, and it has gotten cold again. I hate I haven't been able to go to the cemetery as I usually do, I miss that, too. Ashley got cards addressed for me last night, a big help. She drove the Buick home today. The battery was dead, Harold came by and got it jumped off. I am praying God will help them find a car soon, I know they are so ready for one. Butch wrecked his truck a few weeks ago. It is about time to get on the road so I will say again, I miss you more than I can say. I am going to get through this week, with the Lords help, won't be easy. I love you so much and I hate not having you here with me................BILL-EE

Dec.6, 2011

Here I am again, I miss you...I love you. Ashley and Rylan came home with me today, after we left Homewood. I found something we could eat this evening. Didn't get home until well past four, I had forgotten the children's program (Christmas) so I missed it. I felt bad about missing the program, it had started raining hard again and I can't afford to get wet, also I was tired. I made it today, I will make it some way because that is what you would expect of me. I still hurt so bad, it's hard to always think of the fact that you are truly gone. I can feel my heart crushing it seems. Honey, I am about to get ready for bed but not before I say I miss you....I love you.......BILL-EE

Dec 5, 2011

Honey, last night I spent at the Haynes', Harold was on the computer so I didn't get to write my note to you. I didn't do much on the 5th. I worked on some VA stuff. then it started raining, so I didn't get out until I started to Argo. I am missing you so much, in a few days we will have another anniversary, 61 years coming up. Deb bought a star I am going to put it on the grave, soon as it stops raining. She just called, she has found a angel, I wanted one to put on the marker when it is put down, Will probably put it on before the marker. Honey I love you much.............BILL-EE

12/4/11

Honey, I just got home. I looked at the clock, on the way home, and thought again how you would tell me I was not to be out late. You never wanted me to be out driving, after dark, if I was alone. You didn't care how much I would say, " Ben, I am a big girl".It was a forbidden thing, no being out after dark. I went to the church Christmas banquet, I rode in the van to the restaurant, so I only had ro drive from the school, home. I miss you so very much, when I am with a crowd of people, even more. It seems that is when I have the worse time. After the crowd, then alone. I sure miss you being with me when I go to these luncheons or dinners. Plain truth is, I just miss you!! I did win a prize tonight. It is very pretty. Wish it didn't need electricity to glow,  I could put it on the grave. Did I tell you I won a prize at the Sears Christmas luncheon? I did. I love you so much. I have coughed about all day, and I am quite tired. I am going to get ready for bed. But I want to say again, Honey I miss you , and I love you........BILL-EE

Dec 3, 2011

Ben, I am here, at last. The Miller Christmas was o.k., I had my bad time as soon as I got there. I could see where you had sat last year, it was so not easy remembering you sitting there, remembering how you would keep calling me when I moved away. You would want something but when I would get up to get it for you, you would call BILL-EE. I got myself together, as I know you would expect me to do. I enjoyed having our children, grands, and greats there. A chance to be near them is still thrilling to me, as it always was, as it was to you, too. Ulmer and Clara are here, they just went to bed, as I am about to do. We three went back by Miltons and Icys for a visit, it was a short visit. They neither one is well now. I am coughing bad again tonight. I coughed last night and some today. Honey, I love you much, I miss you much. I am thankful that I know you prayed for me. Love you..............BILL-EE

Dec. 2, 2011

 Honey, I miss you. We (Debbie & I) went by cemetery this afternoon, Debbie liked my little Christmas item I had put there. I will be so happy when we get the marker up. I wish you could see the Holly Tree, we bought lights to put on it. There are so many red berries on that tree, it already looks like Christmas. I don't know if lights will help or hurt its beauty, help I hope. Tomorrow is the Miller Christmas day, looking forward to it, in a way. I am always afraid everyone will walk around me, be afraid of saying anything. What I try to get across to everyone is they don't need be worried to say anything about you. I talk about you to anyone who listens. I may have already written about tomorrow in a note, don't remember. Tot put some new plastic in the wash room window today. He found one of your old black slippers, at first I couldn't remember why it would be there, when I thought about it for awhile I remembered putting it there it had gotten wet I put it there to dry. Honey, as I have already said, I miss you and I love you, I am working hard to get through Christmas. It will be the first Christmas we have been apart in 59 years. Oh, yeah I will miss you even more. Not true, I don't think I could miss you more than I do now because Ben Miller I love you...................BILL-EE

Dec 1, 2011

Honey it is about to get close to bedtime. I didn't get by the cemetery today. I hate that, but sometimes it seems about impossible. I did go to the Sears Retiree Christmas luncheon. Saw quite a few of your old comrades, Nix, Brown, Lollar, Benny, the guy from West Blocton. Saw Tommy, her husband. Of course Katie, Minnie, Rose, and Heidi were there. Debbie came down, went with me. She hasn't missed any of the Christmas luncheons since we started going. I wish I could remember the first year we went. All three of our girls were there and their spouses. Duane never got to go to any of them. I liked going to THE Club better than these past three years. It was fine. No complaints on the food. I sure did miss not having you there. Debbie and I got out a few Christmas items and spotted them about the house. I told her I didn't need a tree, don't know how it will be with you missing. I miss you and Honey, I love you so much..........BILL-EE

Nov 30, 2011

Ben, I just home. After church I went out to eat with David, Sarah, and Jared Hall. We went to Applebees, in Bessemer. It is past 11:30, we ate a full meal. It was a good time. We four have had a year, with Jan's death and yours. We are all surviving, with the Lords help. Last night and today hasn't been easy for me, I think of you all the time. I sometimes get to thinking what could I have done better to make things easier for you. Sometimes it is why did I do this or that or why didn't I do something else. Makes everything even more painful. Makes my missing you so much worse. Honey I don't know how to put my thoughts down, but I think you could get the picture. Tomorrow is the Sears Retiree Christmas luncheon and yes, I am going Lord willing. Debbie will be down to go with me. I am looking forward to it and yet I am kind of dreading it. It will be the first, I have seen all those people. I saw quite a few at your visitation service and at the funeral service. I just don't want anyone to think they shouldn't ask questions or to tiptoe around me. I'll write in the next note and tell you how it goes. It is late and cold and icy, the heating unit is coming on, even set on 65 degrees. Whoa, cold!!!! Honey I love you and I miss you...........BILL-EE

Nov 29, 2011

Honey, I miss you, even tho I am staying busy, I do know you are not here. Today I did laundry, put the roomba out to vacumn, and started working on doctor, hospital, medicines, and ambulances bills. That is a job. I did the same as last time wrote a lot of medicine bills, I finally decided to call Winn-Dixie for a print out on what we had bought. Should have thought to do that beforehand. I even cooked a (brunch) for myself, fixed bacon, eggs, grits, and biscuits. The kind of breakfast you wanted daily minus the grits. Maybe I will eventually improve.It has turned ..brrrrr.cold, trying to save on gas so I am using electric heaters. I hope that will help. I have already eaten dinner, chicken & dumplings, a frozen thing. They were not too bad, filling for sure. The rain, now the cold today has kept me inside I hate to get out in the cold, causes me to not be able to breathe good. I need to mask my mouth when it is real cold when I go outside. I am about to get a shower, put on pjs, maybe read for a little while. It is not easy doing anything, knowing you are not here, easier to sit down do nothing, but I know that is not what you would want for me. Ben how I wish I had forgotten about the stupid toes that Thursday evening. I wish I had stayed right there in bedroom with you. I know you had things you wanted to tell me. I realize it now, but how could I know that you were so sick, and that would be your last night. These kind of things haunts me sometimes, but I do know, life goes on and God is still God and HE is good, ALL THE TIME. Honey I love you, love you, love you..BILL-EE

Nov.28, 2011

Ben, I am writing my daily note to you. First off I want to say I miss you so. I went into the bedroom today to do some dustng, changed the sheets on the beds, and vacumned. As I was working in there, so many things came to  mind. Only showed me  I will definitely keep sleeping, living in the living room. We had some of the best days of our lives, but so many of our days this year, especially, were very trying. Nothing ever stopped us from loving each other. I know that love kept us both going. Honey, I know how you were always concerned about my welfare, even as I was concerned about yours. I just could not/would not see that you needed medicine. I had just begun to realize how depressed you were. I had told you I was going to call the Dr. and talk to him about it. I don't know, except, that I cared so much why I didn't realize sooner how much you may need something to take. Doesn't help now, because you have left me. Left me alone, even if you did care if I was out after dark alone. You could be a "worry wart" about that. Now I am alone in the day and at night whether at home or out driving. I promised you I would be careful and I am trying to be. Soon will be Christmas, going to be a sorrowful time for me. Don't know yet what I will do at Christmas, whatever I do you will be in my thoughts because I love you........BILL-EE

Nov 27, 2011

I made it to church this a.m., altho it was raining hard. It rained all day. Lisa came over. I had brought the heater they bought me for Christmas. It was in the trunk of the car, she brought it in and got it set up. She then hung new curtains I had bought for the 2 bath rooms and a shower curtain I had got. Honey I went to church again tonight, after church I went with Sis Honea to Dairy Queen, they were closed so we went on to Arby's, ate a sandwich visited for awhile, then on home. It is so nice being able to go out for a sandwich after church. We always did, most of the time. Now that The Honeas live by the academy Sis Honea likes to go out, it is so nice to have fellowship. I went with David and Sarah Hall after morning service. We had a good time. No matter what I do, or who I am with, it doesn't lessen how I feel. I still miss you so much, the pain is still there, slowly but surely, I am learning to live alone. Just when I think I am doing so great, I will remember something that brings the pain. Happens all the time, but I keep thinking how you would want me to be. That helps me some. Honey I am going to bed hopefully to sleep. Not before I say Ben Miller I miss you and I love you so much..............BILL-EE

Nov 26, 2011

Honey, I miss you, I love you. I am home, again. I can't believe I have been home for only three nights this past week. Ready to settle down now for awhile.Lisa & I went to the Dardens yesterday, spent the night, Duane came over there this a.m. and we four had a great day. I wish Dialyn could have been there, but oh well we don't always get every thing we want. Honey it was not easy being there, a lot of memories there, too. We went to Deb's and Tot's quite a bit over the years. I actually had forgotten that we were there in May 2011. We were there on your birthday this year. Some reason I kept thinking it was 2010 when we had been there for your birthday. Sharon had bakeed a cake, Duane and Michelle had come to your party. Carmen and Abigail came over also. Carmen had brought goodies and what else? Spinach dip for one thing. There are memories ( a lot) for when we would go to GA. Debbie would always let their kids know that we would be there. They usually came over for awhile to see us. Ben our life together was a good life, we had no complaints, we always talked about how God had blessed us.Much more than we ever deserved. Memories to cling to, Lisa and Harold, the good meals they used to prepare for us. You loved the fried cabbage Lisa fixed. No, we never had a reason to complain, we only counted our blessings.  Oh, I miss you and love you so much........BILL-EE

Nov 25, 2011

Finally made it to the Dardens. Lisa came with me, she wound up driving all the way. It was a nice drive we did a lot of talking, some crying, and laughing, a lot of remembering. Honey, I have spent already 2 nights away from home, this will be the 3rd night this week, I feel a little homesick now. Sharon is bringing Duane by tomorrow a.m. when she starts to work. We will have a good visit, only wish Dialyn could be here. I went by the cemetery, took a little something (Christmas) to replace the fall leaves I had put there. Sure will be glad when your marker gets in, Mr. Nuckles says some time they come in within a week, sometime it may take 3,4, or even 5 weeks. We will have to wait and see how long it is going to take. I miss you so, the house is empty without you there, but I do know you are in a place of paradise now. No more darkness, you can see. No more walker, you can walk. I try hard to accept that, it is not easy having you gone. The pain, inside of me, is not at all easy to live with. I know the only way I can keep going is to lean on the everlasting arms of God. I love you and miss you...........BILL-EE

Nov.24, 2011

Honey I got through my first Thanksgiving  without you, it wasn't easy, but I keep "hangimg in there". I will be staying at Lisas again then on Friday will go on to Debbies. Went to Sulligent with the Haynes', they had alot of food, all the Weeks family had their annual feast. After there we went to the Haynes, stayed until after 8 o'clock, Lisa took me, Butch, and Rylan to their house, she and Ashley left to shop. I am tired, my crazy feet hurt, so to bed, not without saying, how will I get through these days without you. I miss you so much, I love you.......BILL-EE

Nov. 23, 2011

For real honey, it has been 2 months. I went by the cenetery, I felt so weak. I had to think of something fast, so I began remembering how handsome you were, even after you left me. I still love you, but nothing new about that. I am at Lisas, I am going to Sulligent with them tomorrow for Thanksgiving. They are taking a boston butt, the best I ever tasted, Lisa made her chicken and rice to take. My first Thanksgiving without you, all I can do is say, Lord help me get through the day. The missionary lady left this a.m., she was going to her home in TN for Thanksgiving. She was very encouraging. You would have liked her. She had a very good testimony. How do I feel, wish I could figure how to put into words, my feelings. Guess I will never know myself how to do that. All I know for sure is I miss you so much and I love you. This is a short note tonight but I need to say Happy Thanksgiving to a few more people. I love you.......BILL-EE

Nov. 22, 2011

Honey, It is soon going to be wednesday. The reason I am so late is this, we had church tonight. A lady missionary, a thankful testimony service. After church I took the missionary out to eat. She is here at the house with me. Sunday night Bro Honea ask me if she could stay here with me tonight. This a.m. he invited her to come on to the church, they were having thanksgiving lunch for the academy. He called me , told me she would be there at 12 to eat lunch so I should come on over to eat, and bring her on to the house. That is how this day has gone. The missionary lady is a great lady, she had a brain tumor, she was healed about a week before she was to have surgery. Anyway honey, it has been good for me to have her here, we have talked. Of course I have talked about you, she says she feels like she knows you. I was dreading to day, I still have tomorrow to get through, but I will make it. The photo of my saluting the chief, when he gave me the flag, showed up again today. He is submitting a collage of photos made that day to the Navy All magazine. He wants the photo of him and me so he can frame it to put with his other service photos. I can see that big old smile break out on your face, as I know it would, if you knew this. Ben I love you, I miss you, but God has everything in control. I can not control what happens, just as you couldn't, doesn't stop me from loving you or missing you. Tonight I just feel thankful for all the time we had together and that I can still say I love you............BILL-EE

Oh my, Ben, my Ben, Today has not been the best. I wake up thinking how "Chipper" you were that morning 2 months ago. How you said I see light, then when we started out of the bed room you said I saw light. Now all is darkness again, my heart broke again for you. I knew I had medicine to pick up, took my prescription inhalant to get refilled. I shopped a little there, talked to Jenny, then went to Dinner Plate to eat. I don't enjoy eating alone but I knew it would be o.k. for 2 meals today. I then went to Wal-Mart saw Ricky Seagle, we talked for awhile. (He even said he had read all my notes to you when they were on fb and had been inspired.) After walking all over that store, doing some shopping, mostly looking, I started back home. The pain was still so bad, thinking about that day, 9/22/11. So I cried, I screamed, cried some more, screamed some more, all the way home and for awhile after I got home. When I unloaded the car, I got in the buick for the first time, drove around. I had forgotten how smooth that car is still. You can know I am still hurting, I am dreading tomorrow. I really don't know what to do with myself. My days were spent caring for you, now I don't know what to do with me. I think I had told you that Ashley had sent a video of Rylan saying "I love you, MawMaw". He still will ask about PawPaw. I hope he will never forget you. Honey, I miss you so, I love you. I was so glad I had stopped at the cemetery as I started out. It looked like rain, besides it was dark when I got home, but I cain't scream when at the cemetery.  I guess I will learn to live with the pain... God is my Help. I love you.........BILL-EE

Ben, I love you. Sunday, made it to church, drove from The Haynes this morning. Ate lunch at the Honeas today, wow, good food. The way I've eaten lately made it better than good. Roast beef, rice, gravy, carrots, english peas, chicken pasta, sweet potatoes, potato salad, deviled eggs, pear salad, and for dessert peach cobbler, and ice cream. Yummy good, of course I couldn't eat all I wanted to I fill up to fast. Honey that is the kind of food you loved, sorry this year I didn't feel much like cooking or doing other chores I normally enjoyed doing. I did get by the cemetery today, did not see your pet squirrel. Guess it was taking a rest day, after all it was sunday. We had a good service tonight, we sing out of the song book, had testimony service, good fellowship with one another and with the Lord. Sis Honea wanted ice cream so she and I west to Dairy Queen (again). A couple of the ladies came along and we had more good fellowship. I was telling them about how you would "give me orders" at time, and how I would tell you when you pay me a salary you can boss me around. It was the tone of voice you used. So I have busy, but I still miss you so much. I am home now and thinking I may try for an early night. My day has been good but also has been rough on me. I love you.........BILL-EE

Ben Miller, I love you. today has been a good day, I didn't do much. I showered, dressed, and drove to Lisa's. Lisa and I went to Joe and Linda's 40th anniversary party. It was nice, we really enjoyed ourselves. Linda came in the church, she was surprised, and especially surprised to see me and Lisa there. Joe said that made her day. Hard to think about them being married for 40 years. My, you looked so young in the picture and so handsome. Remember we were Linda's parents, you walked her down the aisle. I asked them if they remembered our 60th anniversary. Joe said yes, I did the service, remember? You were still a handsome groom, in your tuxedo. I am still at the Haynes. going to spend the night. I will get up in the morning and leave here for church. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, it will be my first one without you, I can't imagine trying to get through the day. I know what you would say, "God will help you", please Lord do help me. I pray each for that help, the only way I can get through from day to day. I miss you so much, Think of you of our days together. Oh Honey, how I miss you, how I love you.........BILL-EE

Honey My day has been good, except for those times when my thoughts of you causes my heart to shatter again. Sometime I wonder how much more my heart can bear, but I do know God doesn't put more than we can bear, He gives a way of escape. At times the phone will ring, for me that is a way to escape. I could not answer it but I know it's ringing because right then I need a distraction. Guess I"ll probably go with Lisa, and come back home with her. I probably will go to Debbie's on Friday then back home on Saturday. Of course, that is all subject to change.  I went by the cemetery today, like I do most days, it seems I should be taking something with me, I do, my love. Then I went on to the bank, went by Winn-Dixie to take something back. I thought I was buying hair spray, turns out it was mousse, which I didn't need.  I took it back. I stopped at Arby's got a sandwich, which I didn't care much for, you would have liked it. My nights are so filled with thoughts of you, as are my days. I remember so much, after all we had been living together quite a few years, been awhile since our nest was empty. I bought some therapy (lavender) to bathe in, looking forward to trying it. I may even light a candle or two. Can you imagine? I love you Ben Miller, going to call Milton check on Icy, then try my therapy. Love you........BILL-EE

Whooo it turned cold last night, after an almost summer day yesterday. I started to ride over to the cemetery, but I was getting cold so I talked myself out of going. Honey I need you here to help me make decisions, for one thing. I need you here, calling me up the stairs, I just still do need you. You would be proud of me because of how, I think, I have been getting a few things done.  Still got alot to do, got to do some dusting here in the den, been awhile. I think Allison did it last time it was done.  I still don't know about Thanksgiving, I do not want to go off for any period of time. I am still feeling like staying close home, it's like this old house we lived in for these past 29 years kind of wraps me up. Do you understand Honey? I don't really understand exactly how I feel myself, but it is like this house understands me. I guess maybe because we were here together for all those years. We went through your surgeries, we have gone through a lot of hospital stays, together. I never would leave you, I felt I needed to be with you, to know for myself how you were doing. Oh, so much we did together in those (over) 60 years

well Honey, here I am again, with my daily "note" to you. I think of you all the time, missing you all the time. Sometimes I start thinking about your last couple of weeks, then about your last night. It is so rough when I think of that last night especially. It seems my heart shatters again and again. Ben Bro. Honea told me tonight that he had prayed for us and about our situation a few weeks before, he said he had prayed, Lord Bro Ben is sick,  Sis Miller is so frail don't know what their answer is. He heard from the Lord, I'm going to take care of them. My eyes filled with tears, remembering how you would say,  "Billie I'm afraid you're going to die". Bro Honea said you were afraid , that's why you would call me all the time. Even in restaurants you would call BILL-EE, you wanted to know that I was close. If I was gone some place, you would still call me, you were going to know where I was at all times. Guess you were afraid, you would probably think if somthing happened to me...what would happen to you. Ben, honey we had some very good times, we also had some very rough times, but we were together.  Being together made every thing all right, we could "hang in there", now I am alone, you left me. Sweetheart you are not afraid anymore, now you can see, walk, fish, whatever you do, you aren't missing me, I know you are happy and I am working on my grief as I think you would want me to do. Above all else, you wanted me to be alright. I just wanted you with me, as you wanted me with you.    I got David Nuckles to fax something to VA today, working on getting it all taken are of. I am also working on taking care of me as you would tell me to do. I love you........BILL-EE

Honey, it is earlier than I usually write my note to you but I am downstairs. I just took out the garbage, time to take it up to the street. I decided to write my note now as I probably won't come back down here. It is easier to type on this big key board than the lap top board. Enough of that, the day has been okay, I polished the furniture in the living room, put the roomba in there to vacumn. I needed to make a few calls so I did that. I called Leola about the Sears retiree christmas luncheon. Didn't know she could talk so much. I wonder if she worked at the warehouse or the store. Anyway the luncheon is 12/4, I am planning to go to it. We always enjoyed the luncheons each month, you usually won a prize, at the Dec luncheon. Now it is time to get some food for dinner, then shower time, then what? Seems no matter what time I decide to lie down at night, I always hear it's 12 o'clock p.m. Lots of time I will hear it's 1 o'clock a.m. No need to go to bed early, I don't go to sleep. I miss you so. I am still trying to "live" without my Ben, not easy, but God is my helper in all things. It would be about time of month to get your blood work done, I know you were so tired of that monthly blood work. I sometimes wondered how you stood it, that last time it really did seem to hurt you. When you hurt, I hurt, because my heart would break seeing you have to go through so much. Now my heart is crushed, shattered to pieces, and I wonder how to go on. I love you, I miss you.........BILL-EE

Ben it has been an uneventful day, as usual. Got over anxious, couldn't remember if Lisa had the measles or not, didn't have you to ask. I have missed you as always today.  When I got up this a.m. I decided I'd mop the kitchen, which I did. Someone had told me I could probably wash the chair cusions (kitchen). I tried, it didn't work, decided to toss them visit Wal-Mart for more, which I did. I even fixed pasta salad, such a big bowl full and you know how I hate tossing food. So many people going hungry and I am throwing so much food away, breaks my heart. What can I do? I went to cemetery today, as I usually do. Wish I could sit down and stay longer, afraid to sit down, may not be able to get up. I can hear you now, "Billie be careful, you need to take care of yourself. O how I miss you, miss your trying to watch out for me. I'd say you did good considering you were blind and could walk, only on the walker. Me, walking backward, to guide you; we always made it tho thank God. Tomorrow I will put the rumba in the living room to vacumn, trying to be a little productive. Who knows, I may not be able to get it together, besides no one knows what tomorrow may bring. I only know that I will love you tomorrow as I love you today. Talked to Debbie sat., Duane sun., Dialyn today and Lisa 3 or 4 times today. Yes, I love you today and miss you........BILL-EE

Here I am, Honey, to say I love you, to tell you that I miss you. I am still living at home, I'm alone, you would not be happy about that but I am fine. I live in the living room and kitchen. I am not afraid, I feel like your angel is still close by, that makes me a priviledged person.  I went to church this morning, went with David and Sarah Hall to eat. Sarah said she was thinking about Pizza Hut pizza, not my choice I would have prefered bacon and eggs. We went for pizza, Vicki and Zoey went with us. I got home before 3o'clock, lay down for about an hour, got up and went back to church. Tonight after church went with the Honeas, David, Vicki, Zoey, Aubrey to Dairy Queen, I ate a banana split. I remembered the times I would say to you lets go get a banana split. You and I would usually get one and split it, we neither one could eat a whole one. They are not as large as they used to be, me and Sis Honea both finished off one, I couldn't ask for a doggie bag so I ate it all. Yum it was good. Sis Honea ate all of hers, too, Bro Honea said he figured he might get a bite, at least. So that about sums up my sunday, thought of you all day, as I always do. oh, how I miss you, you never said much but you were there. How many times did you go out when you would've rather come home, I knew you did it for my sake and it made me love you even more. How I miss you, I cannot tell, it is so much. I love you honey..........BILL-EE

Ben, I love you, I miss you. Don't know what to do with myself, so many times. without you here. I could say all the time. The pain is so hurtful sometimes(most of the time). I do keep on going, most of the time. I am glad to be alone, most of the time. I also enjoy my living, most of the time, all of the time, because I do know life goes on and GOD is still GOD. All of the time. The trip with the ladies, only 4 of us went. It was very enjoyable, I tried to stay relaxed all day . I think I did a good job of it. I bought me a Christmas gift. Got red slippers to go with my red sleeping gear Debbie bought last year. I found a red turban thing or whatever it's called. Our children wants me to keep something to put on  my head if I get out and it's cold and windy......so.  Came by the cemetery, couldn't stay long, kept thinking of my bad night last night. I have many good memories so I try to get my mind on them and not dwell on how it hurts. I kept thinking of all those years we would get up at 4 a.m. go to the church, pray for an hour, go back home sleep for an hour. That was the best sleep I'd have all night. Good ole days, huh? We had some very good days together for many years, for which I am so thankful. Trying to get to bed earlier so I won't sleep late in the a.ms.I miss you I love you more than I can say...........BILL-EE

Well Honey I'm here again to write you a note to say I love you, I miss you more than I can say. Fay and Bryon left today sometime a little after noon, so I am alone again. I don't mind, I love company, but for so long it was you and me, now it's mostly just me. You were so much my life, especially the past couple of years. Honey, I truly was sorry that you lived in a world of darkness. My heart broke over and over again yet you felt bad about your condition, you carried on as a trooper. I was proud of the way you handled yourself even tho it was always dark for you. I feel bad that I couldn't help you better, but I did the best I could or knew how to do. We had our bad times lately, but we were neither one "up to par" I believe we did good under our circemstances.  It is still early, a litle past 8, I am hoping to get to bed and asleep early tonight. Going to go to eat tomorrow a.m. then going to Boaz for awhile, hoping for a good time. I know I will think of you, as I always do. I love it when I think of some of our fun times, we did have them, fun times, it was funny when Lisa & I pointed our fingers at your sides. Man you were so ticklish, we didn't dare tickle you as you had been known to slap people who touched your sides. Wow! it wasn't exactly fun to you but you would let us have our laughs, then you'd say, "that's enough now" we knew we had better not point at you anymore. Sweetheart I miss you I love you and oh, how I wish I still had you with me.....BILL-EE

Honey I love you. Fay and Byron were here early this a.m. This afternoon we went to wal-Mart, got the car washed, came home, fixed dinner, ate, now I am writing your note. Oh, yeah went by cemetery, too. I have told you before no matter who is around, or how many may be, I still miss you. I miss your calling bill-ee, I miss getting you up and down the stairs. I even miss getting you into the shower so you could bathe. I miss trying to fix dinner for us, you were easy to cook for, cause you would eat most anything. You were not crazy about rice but if there was gravy or something to put on it you didn't complain (too much). The car looks good all nice and clean. I will admit I will miss seeing the Park Avenue setting out there. It's too good a car not to be used, when Debbie can bring me back home I will take it to GA. I am going to call Dialyn, she has called several times this week and I've not been home. I got a sweet note from Allison, she misses you so much. It is going to be cold brrr tonight, tomorrow night, don't know about saturday yet, I'm thinking cold then. Looks like winter may be here to stay but who knows? Red beans & rice, salad, sweet potatoes, is what we fixed for dinner. Oh yeah with some bbq chicken....you would've liked it. I love you I miss you. You were the greatest man I ever knew, I hurt, hurt, hurt. Love you........BILL-EE

Ben, Honey, today I got to go by the cemetery, talked to David there. He told me he could take care of the VA marker. What a relief lifted. I went out early, talked to David, went to eat, did a little shopping, went to church. David Hall, Sarah, myself went to get something to eat. We didn't get out of  church 'til close to 9 so I haven't been home long. Came in, took my antibiotic, now writing you my daily note. We had another one of Bro. Stoneking's sermons to watch. He is an a o.k. preacher, you would like. Honey I am still trying to learn to cope without you, I miss you so much. I am also still trying to take care of myself, as you would want me to.  This a.m. it was rainy, dreary, wind blowing, day I thought most all day I wouldn't be able to get out tonight. All of a sudden the sun shined out, it had quite raining, so I got out early enough to go to cemetery. All in all it was a nice enough day, exception being that I miss you. The pain doesn't go away, I still look to the hills, from whence comes my help. Nowhere else to go, no one can help but God, HE understands all. A squirel was hopping around the trees by you today. I thought of you, Sally, the little fellow who got away, and of course Debbie. You and Deb feeding the squirrels, they thought you 2 were their own. You loved those little fellows, Sally really loved you, and I love you Ben Miller.......BILL-EE

Ben here I am again to say I love you Ben Miller. I finally did it, I finally went over to Milton's, didn't know it would be so hard, I kept remembering how you had been wanting to go over to see your eldest brother. You had told me the week before, or maybe on monday or tuesday that week that you wanted to see him. I know I had told you I would take you over there and Milton could sit in the car with you for awhile so y'all could visit. I was thinking, why didn't I let you try to get up the steps by yourself, you told me you could. I just kept remembering how hard it had been for you the last time we were there. Milton doesn't look good, his face is swollen, his feet are swollen, like his brother Ben he won't prop them up in the day.   I had cookies left here Sat. so I took them by the daycare. Sis Honea said let's go get something to eat, I felt tired, told her I'd take a rain check, but she insisted. Actually, I ate a good meal, and got rested while we sat there. Now I am ready to go get ready for bed, after I take the antibiotic, still got several days of them to take, that is one pill I'm going to take. Honey it was a good day after I got past the grief of remembering. Oh, I did take them a chalupa from Taco Bell. I miss you so I love you.......BILL-EE

Honey I am writing early today. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had, I missed you so much. I had to remind myself again how I heard you telling the Lord that you were so tired and I know HE heard you and came for you.  Today I was thinking about all the meals the Honea's brought us, and how many were cooked for us by some of the ladies, and how Bro. Honea would sometimes tell us that someone at the church would give him money ro buy us a lunch during the week. How very blessed we were, because neither one of us were strong.  There are many memories, most all are good memories. Sometimes we argured, but rarely were we angry at each other, friendly arguments. This year neither of us well but we still had a good year. Seems like our love grew. I would walk by your chair, say "I love you Ben Miller", you always responded with "I love you so very much". I am glad we said those words, they kept us both "hanging in there". Sometimes it was not easy to get you to the car, but I would like to get us out for awhile. We both wanted to go to church on Wednesday nights, our outlet, to worship God with others of the same precious faith. Ben I still love you and how could I ever tell how much I miss you, God knows.......BILL-EE

Honey, I did make it to church this a.m., left my spend the nighters here, I got there late. Enjoyed good fellowship. I also stopped by the cemetery, they have started flattening the grave. I want to hurry and get your stone, need the certificate. Now everything is quiet again, I will have to try and get up and do some much needed house work, after yeterday and last night. No matter how many folks are around I will miss  you. Just being with people doesn't keep me from from missing you, doesn't keep the pain away either.  I have plans to go with the ladies from church on 11/12, the shopping spree trip. I doubt I will do much shopping but I will enjoy breakfast and lunch with the "crew".  Now I have 3 b'day cards behind, Duane, Allison, and Chase, have their cards but too sick to get them in the mail....woe is me. Michael isw the only b'day left for this year.  I hate to think this year is about over, how will I start a new year without you honey? Don't know I pray God's grace for me HE will help me somehow. First got to get through 2011 before I do too much thinking about 2012. I'm glad I know you did some serious praying for me the past several months, you prayed for me to have grace. I love you so much more than I can say...BILL-EE

Well, Honey, it has been a very eventful day around here. We had  a reunion planned (my Family), it was changed for Nov 5th. Turns out 31 people were at Charity's, Donnie's daughter, and I didn't want to make that ride, besides  the Dr. told me to stay in, so there was 31 people here at our house. We had a great time, Donnie said they all had a good time down there. I would call it  good reunion, although Donnie said let's plan for late spring or early summer next time. I missed you so much, I kept thinking how you enjoyed the reunions my family had. They were your family also, every one loved Uncle Ben. Butchie rode his motorcycle, he said come on Aunt Bill I'll take you for a ride, of course I said "no, thank you". I did get on it and sit for awhile. Butch started it up, I accidently pushed the accelerator, scared me I was so ready to get off. Melissa, Tammy, and Debbie are staying the night, plus Tammy's son and Mellisa's grandchildren. The house has been full today. I am tired but did enjoy the day. Honey, I miss you I love you, this won't ever change........BILL-EE

Ben, I sometimes think of you and all I can do is yell, "oh God" He knows what and how I feel, no one else does. Everyone seems to think I am pulling away, not true, I am too much a people person to do that. I love people and love being around people. Dr. Dumas told me to do nothing but stay in sleep, eat, and drink plenty of fluids. Bronchitis twice in less than 3 weeks, time to take care of me. Oh well honey you knew me, and was always telling me to take it easy, not wear myself out, but I had to be sure and take care of you first. So I was always "worn out" didn't let you know how bad worn I was. Enough of that, I love you and you were always first for me. I remember when we were courting, boy that goodlooking guy was a okay, in my books. Honey, I miss you so much, I want to grieve in my own way, which no one seems to understand, that's okay, I don't always understand myself. I just know I miss you and most of all  I Love You...........    BILL-EE

Time to write my note to you , honey, to say I love you. I am staying in like dr. said, you would be proud of me. I dreamed aout you this morning, you know how I always dream when I'm not well. In the dream you kissed me, lipolated. I miss you so much, the goodnight kiss, the I love you. I am glad we wanted to kiss goodnight, glad I wanted to tell you that I love you. Always happy to hear you say those words to me. You made them very special. I am getting tired of just "laying around" I have done some laundry folded clothes and hung clothes on hangers. Dr. Lisa says don't do a thing,. haha. I am tired, don't take much to tire me out, that's been all year. I love you honey, I miss you. Oh, to have you with me, the pain is so bad. Takes time, but I am not sure time can heal this. Still looking to God He is my ever present help, that is the only way I can bear this pain. I love you.......BILL-EE

Honey, I have missed you so much. I am still living in our living room and kitchen, but I am comfortable. I will miss you no matter where I am. I miss you greatly at church, your worship was an inspriration to many, includung your wife. I stayed home tonight, dr. told me to stay in, besides I began coughing really bad, I want to get rid of the bronchitis once and for all. Duane called tonight, he misses you, too, as does our girls. God blessed us so much with the children He gave us. Listening to other people's conversations sometimes makes me to know even more how much we were blessed. Ben, I love you and was and is so thankful for each year. Thankful for the tears we shed, for the laughter we shared, and for the love. I still can feel your love around here, your smiles that was like no other's, what made you into a man to be loved.  The greatest thing that made you into a great man of God is you stood solid on what you believed. We stood together, whatever we did we did together. Thank God for the times we prayed together. Thank God I heard you when you were talking to the Lord on 9/20, asking Him to come, telling Him you were ready. I was not ready to let you go, beause Honey, I love you......BILL-EE

Ben, another day has come and is almost gone. what a day, Janell was coming, Lisa called Sandy, Dr. Dumas says I need to come over let him check me, don't want me having pneumonia. I called Sis Honea, she came over and visited with Janell and her friend, I went to Dr. got two shots another prescription of antibiotic. Then we had a great lunch together, leisurely, thanks to Sis Honea. She went got the prescription filled, Janell left for Booneville. Sis Honea visited with me for awhile made sure I ate supper. Now I am alone missing you. The Dr. told me not to do anything, just lay around, try to eat, and drink plenty of liquids, I was already doing that. He said keep it up. Don't try to do anything, for the time being. So I will be spending another day sleeping, eating, drinking, and nothing. I miss not going to cemetery also, that is where I lay you to rest. I find comfort just going by there. I wanted to ask the Dr. could he tell me what to do about the pain I have, knowing you are gone from me, but I was in a hurry, after all I had company. They had driven 3 hrs. to get here, I wanted to be able to visit with them. I plan to get in bed soon I am tired now, can hardly talk......I love you honey........BILL-EE

Today, Honey, I have been taking cough syrup, some aleve, laying around, eating, drinking, sleeping but I do feel so much better than last evening. I thank the Lord for that. I have missed you terribly, I will lie down on the love seat, it is de ja vue. Is that the way you say it? Ha you would tell me to say it any way I wanted too, I love you Ben. This is one of the few days I didn't go to cemetery, strictly stayed in today. Janelle Spence is supposed to be coming to see me tomorrow, I hope I wake up early tomorrow a.m. I got to sleep early last night and plan to be sleeping within the hour. Oh, Honey, I miss you so. Still don't know which way to turn, so used to talking to you about everything. I keep looking to the hills from whence comes my help. thank God I know to do that, that's what you expect me to do. The pain from losing you is about unbearable at times. It's cold here in the den, you know I never could turn the heater on, so I am heading back up the stairs. 'Fraid we will have a cold winter, you know Sep was cool. Love you...BILL-EE

October 30th already, and I miss you. I spent the night at Lisa's, went to church this a.m., went to eat after church, came home fell asleep, didn't know anything until the clock said 6 p.m. Feeling alot better, fighting off the coughing, have no appetite, need no broncitis again. Now time to say, stop complaining girl and thank the Lord, for those hours of sleep. Ben, ever day that passes I miss you more. You were always there, to listen to me, to say "I love you Bill-ee", I could touch you, I could kiss you.  I will always remember your saying make it lip-o-lated.  Have great memories, a lifetime of living with you brings no complaints, even if you did get up at 2,3,or 4 a.m. to go fishing. You would fish all day, come home stinking and fall asleep... Good thoughts, I never minded you enjoyed that fishing. I am about to try and find something I can eat, go back to bed and sleep "it" off. haha  I love you I miss you, and someday maybe I will quit writing you. Never know what the next day will bring, but know that GOD will be in each day, and I will look unto HIM, He alone understands. Love you.......BILL-EE

I am here earlier than usual because I am planninmg to go to Roebuck church later to their fall festival. Remember we went to a lot of the fall festivals out there. One time you had your fingers in the door and I slammed the door...oooh that hurt you. Once I remember eating butter beans and corn bread, wow we loved that. Any way I am going out there and may decide to spend the night at Lisa's. I told you last night Debbie came down again, spent the night with me. She and I went shopping, I wanted some pots so I can transplant some of the plants into. I still have some rough times, never know when to expect the pain to grab me, it hurts, honey and there's nothing to do for it. (Here I am complaining yet again.) I have to remember that you loved me, and love won't be taken away, just your touch is gone and oh, how I miss that touch. How I loved that touch. It is brrr cold weather again, I am still trying to save on gas, you know how costly it is, especially here. Also the water is outrageous. So many people taking baths here, owe about $60.00 0n the bill I got today. Well nothing to do but pay it, and go on. You know that I love you, you know I did the best I could for you, and wish I could still do for you.......Love you honey........Bill-EE

Ben, Debbie came back down tonight, we just went out to get dinner. I am still working on knowing how to do, what to do. Why did you leave me? Okay, I know you were tired, so was I. I put some pretty fall colored leaves in the vase Ashley and I put at the grave, looked real good at least it is fall. Honey, I know that you can see now, you are not in a world of darkness anymore. I am so glad you can see light again. I will never forget your telling me on Thursday 9/22/11, I see light. When we started walking out of the bedroom you said I could see light before I got up but now it is all black again. My heart broke again, how I wished I could take the blindnes and give you sight. How many times did my heart break? Over and over again, yet now it is broken so bad, without you here it is sad and I don't know how to be, we were one, and now I am just half. How should a half be, so I am trying to learn, God help me is my many daily prayers. Anyway I am so happy to have Debbie here with me I'm not alone tonight, still just a half tho. Miss you so much, hurt so bad, there is no medicine for this hurt, thank you for the prayers you said for me. God heard them and HE will answer them. I love you...... BIL-LEE

Well, here I am again to say honey, I miss you so  much, I love you so, and to say I hurt. Fay and Byron spent the night here. I was talking about doing some more cleaning they started the cleaning. Byron did the vacumning, Fay mopped the kitchen, Byron dusted the ceiling fans. I sat there and wached them, just like I did when Debbie was so busy Sunday with Hamp's old room. Feels good being pampered. Ben both of us being sick last year and again this year, me trying to be a good caregiver to you and take care of myself, I wonder did I do a good enough job for you. I can truthfully say I thought I was doing the best I could, for you, but was I? You always told me I was doing a good job but I was so afraid at times. All I know for sure is, I loved you even when/if you were a grouch and I knew you loved me when I was a grouch. Oh honey, I was so sorry that I got sick, seemed like I didn't have many days that I was breathing good, I wouldn't feel rested, you would have those nights when you up really often...what a year, huh? No matter we were together and we loved each other, I never minded doing for you, just pray I did a good enough job. Getting late I want to try and get to bed earlier tonight...I love you... Bil-lee

Oh goodness, Honey I have gone into Thursday already. Fay and Byron came over this afternoon, took me to dinner, went to church with me. We ate pizza after church, Byron was watching tv, Fay was on computer, so I didn't come downstairs until Thursday early a.m. Went by cemetery, as usual, the day I was afraid would be awful, but 26th I decided I would do some cleaning, Janelle Spence called, then Fay called, then they (the Davis) came over. Somehow I got through the day without too much, how do I say, problem. It seems like such a long time that you have been gone, yet it feels like only a little while. One month ago on the 26th we said goodbye. I miss you so, I love you, I hurt, I scream, I cry, I mope, but I will keep my hope in Jesus. I try to be what I know you would want me to be and keep my smile. I enjoyed the week end with our chrildren hope they will be able to come back soon. Love you........BILL-EE

Ben compared to last night it's early, I haven't eaten dinner yet, don't really want anything. One month ago we walked into the church where you lay. The longest walk I felt like I had ever walked, at the cemetery this evening I was talking about that walk. When I got close enough to see you, I became that young girl, seeing that good-looking sailor, you were so handsome then, and so handsome laying there. You sometime looked as if you were smiling. Melisha youngest son, told them you were smiling. He wondered what you smiling about. I have had a  looong month, mostly alone. It seems as if it as been a long time, yet only yesterday. I keep reminding myself that now you see again, now you can shout on the streets of glory. Everyone keeps saying you are looking down on me, yet I wonder!!!!!!are you so gloriously happy in heaven do you even think about earth or anything, anyone on it? Now you can see your first love, Jesus. Guess I want to think you are seeing me, but you always told me I was second, Jesus first, in your heart. That was fine with me, how I wanted it to be. I don't know yet how I can make it, but with the help of God, I have to. That's what you would want me to do. I love you, I miss you...Goodnight Love.... BILL-EE

Well Honey, I am a little late tonight. I went to cemetery, on to Winn-Dixie for medicine, then decided to go over to the academy to take all those pads, Sis Honea and I started talking she wanted us to go out to eat, so we went to Cracker Barrel, ate, drank coffee, and talked. That's why I am so late, it has been awhile since I sat with someone and had conversation, I enjoyed our time together, she let me talk about you and me, our lives the past, especially, couple of years. You were sick, I had a bout of broncitis then pneumonia this year, so we neither felt "tops" all the time, but we made it, didn't we? I love you and I miss you more and more. I sometimes say, "Lord how will I make it without my Ben"? God only knows, I sure don't. All my life I've heard where there's a will, there's a way, but I don't know the way yet, keep praying and hoping I suppose. I've written a long "note" tonight, oh Ben I miss you so much. God help me through another a night..... BILL-EE

Ben, it's Sunday night now, and I am alone missing you more not less. I didn't go to church this a.m. Debbie and Duane were here and Duane couldn't go, so I stayed home with them, I wanted all the time possible to be with them. I have plenty of  time to be alone. I did go to church tonight though. I thought "boy, Ben would love this, old fashioned out of song book songs." Sis Honea said she thought that, too, Bro Ben would love this. I could just see you clapping your hands, as only you could do. I miss hearing you praying, talking to the Lord. I would hear you, go into the room and say what did you say, honey, your answer "not talking to you, talking to the Lord." Oh, how I miss you, so many things I miss. Things you say, or just knowing you were sitting there. Today Duane said, it isn't right, we always knew that dad was in his chair. They missed you too, they said they were so happy they had those five weeks with you January/February, when I was in hospital and rehab. I missed you then, but now I feel empty, your not being here with me. Ben, honey, I love you...and in your words, more than I can say.. Love you, love you,love you....BILL-EE

Here I am again, Honey, it seems like I can't think of ending a day without saying I love you. The day has been nice, Debbie and Duane are here, The Spence's came over for awhile, Lisa met us for dinner, she is still here at the house, filling out forms. Anyway, honey, I love you and I miss you, and I still hurt. Trying to take it one step at a time. Still praying for God.s Grace, I know HE will be my help, I know you can see again, I have to keep reminding myself. I love you......BILL-EE

Ben it is cold.....I miss you, I love you. Debbie and Duane came down for  the week-end. I will enjoy them, but I keep thinking how very much you enjoyed it, when they would come down. Of course you always enjoyed anyone coming. I am trying to figure how to heat this house without all the gas we always seemed to use. I am still "hanging" in here, it was so  much easier when I was "hanging" in with you. It is chilly  down here in the den, and I don't want to have to turn the heat on down here just yet. I love you, you will always be my Ben, wish I could  curl up on your lap once more, or rub your head, or both.   BILL-EE

Ben Honey, I decided to take a nap this afternoon(late), it seemed so natural, as I curled up on the love seat. That's how I napped, you knew I was there with you. I come apart sometimes, remembering, but that memory felt good. After I took Butch to get his truck, I looked at a new store in Fairfield, ate at the diner, stopped at cemetery then came on home. I didn't much like eating alone, we used to stop there alot to eat on Sundays. You always wanted roast beef. Honey I love you ad oh how I miss you. No one will ever know, I know what you would say to me about eating, sleeping and  the whole nine yards. Love you......BILL-EE

Ben Ashley did this blog for me so I could write you, just want to say it is so lonely here without you, every way I turn, brings you. I hurt, Ben, so all I can do sometimes is scream and scream. I miss you so very much. I went to church tonight, miss you so there. Watching you worship, hearing your halleujah's, I wonder how, Lord, how will I make it thru another night and day. I know you prayed alot for me the last few weeks of your lfe, I don't want to disappoint you, but most of all I don't want to disappoint our God. I can still hear you saying to me, "I love you, next to Jesus, HE is my first love, you are next". Honey, I love you and miss you. It is cold tonight, I am all alone. I live in the living room and kitchen. Thanks for all the prayers you said for me. miss you.....BILL-EE

Ben I still want to say I love you, I will be alright. I know to look unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. Miss you

Oct. 17, 2011

Ben, I'm saying I love you and I miss you. Why do I want to write you each night, evening, don't know can't say. Maybe because the last thing at night was I love yous, I miss that. So I keep writing, as if you will read it, we'll see what the future holds. Love you....BILL-EE

Oct. 16, 2011

Ben, How I miss you. I have been thinking today that satan would steal my smile, seems he is after it, but I know just as I have to guard my heart, I will work hard to guard my smiles. I know that is what you would want for me to do, but oh me the pain is dreadful, and I am really having to struggle to keep myself going. As I told Sis Honea today, I have to "go on" someway in honor of my Lord and savior, and to honor my husband. Help me, Lord Jesus to remember my own sermons, that I preach to myself as I talk to you. I love you so much and miss you. God help me. BILL-EE

Oct. 15, 2011

Ben, here I am to send you my daily "living without Ben" Left the house, I am at Lisa's. I walked around the stores with Lisa and Ashley, they shopped.This evening I went with Lisa to a wedding. I will get up tomorrow and drive to church. I am glad I went out, but nothing changes, I still miss you so much, at home away from home, anywhere and everywhere I miss you. I am going to try and sleep now. I love you. How do one learn to live alone after so many years with the same person?

Oct. 14, 2011 @ 6:44 p.m.

Ben a little early to be writing, haven't eaten yet, don't know what I'll eat. Not ever hungry but I promised myself I would eat regardless, know that you would want me to eat. You were forever telling me to eat. I ate most of a chicken pot pie yesterday, took me a few times eating but I made it. Been working on the checkbook, don't know how I balanced last month. Remember what a time I had, Honey I miss you so much, I never knew such pain, I remember hearing you pray all during the day, I knew you prayed for me, oh to hear BILL-EE.Love you

Oct. 14, 2011 @ 1:03 a.m.

I went to bed, sleep wouldn't come, the pain is so bad. Tried to read some words others had written who had lost a husband. I felt even worse, reading about others pain. Ben it's so hard sometimes (all the time, really). What does one do? I think I am doing great, then the pain starts all over again.I don't hear your voice, oh how I miss the Bill-ee, just to hear you call me one more time. Couldn't know there was this kind of pain. So I sit, wondering why, I love you still and wish I could call back some more time.....You were one great person Ben Miller, now I am alone, you wouldn't like that but I know that's how it'll be. Pain go away......

Oct. 13, 2011

This is for me to remember.....my walls have crumbled.....God help me to rebuild them.

Ben, it is already past 10 p.m. I worked on the check book this evening. I should not have tried anything this month. You know how I would find that penny I had lost. Well sure didn"t do so good today. I'll get it done somehow. Downstairs working on the ckbk, it seemed so natural, you up here in your chair and me hurriedly trying to do my job. I have slept too much today, got to quit that. I do miss you so very much, Why did you have to leave me? I love you.

Oct. 12, 2011

Honey, I made it to church tonight, you would be so proud of me. Service about the "poor in Spirit", you would have liked it your kind of sermon. Today wasn't so bad, I took a dose of cough medicine this a.m. late. Then I sat down on couch, after a bit I lay my head down, heard the lady (talking clock) say it's 2 p.m., next thing I know, I awake and it was 4:20 p.m. guess I needed the extra sleep,... I sure got plenty. Ben I miss you so much, don't know how to handle this, but with God's help maybe I can handle it with some kind of "grace" I pray so. I have always prayed for grace or tht I could always be graceous, don't know about all that, but I know I need God's help more than ever before. Oh God, help me, Love you My Ben, my heart.

Oct. 11, 2011

Ben I know that I'll always miss you, but I do not ever have another day like yesterday. I forgot to listen to my own sermon, that life continues on and MY GOD is still MY GOD, thinking only how bad it hurts, and not doing what you & I always did. Once I began thanking and praising the LORD, I let it hurt but it wasn't near as it had been. I was thanking of how now you can see again.....and walk like the old Ben.....as I began thanking the Lord for that, it was as if my eyes opened again. Not saying I will not have those days again, but I will keep my eyes open and hear my own sermon again. Dr. Dumas gave me another big shot of antibiotic. I tried talking him out of that, but he said we can't have pneumonia!!!! I am going to try and get a good night of sleep. I love you sweetheart, sitting here as always, I kept thinking "I hear music" I had sat here so many nights with you listening to music, it'll be okay, I may get scared to death, but I will "saddle up" once more. I love trying to write you a note, I told Debbie I was finishing the books I had to read to you, but i will read them aloud......in honor of BEN MILLER.

Oct. 10, 2011

Dear Jesus, I hope this is not how it will be every night I am asking you to help me stay stable. Now I wonder what daylight will bring, do not want to sleep all day, you know, slept about close to 3 hrs,will not complain. Not that I covet being alone, I just want to be at home. Lord Jesus you understand, Don't you? I need to be able to sleep all night I don't want to go to don't care, I won't to care, as always, Maybe the cough syrup will help out this time, but as always I need YOU, tell Ben I love him and I miss him but now he can see, walk, and will not be tired anymore. I love you, Jesus.

Oct. 9, 2011 @ 10:25 p.m.

So many things on my mind. Ben especially, Honey I still am awake, I need sleep most of all. Did I tell you Lisa took me to the Docter today? On the sheets you have to fill out, one question was why are you here? my answer my daughter kept insisting, Lisa told the Dr, she thought it was funny, I have broncitis, that's why I do need to sleep. So I wrote you again,,,,love you,miss you

Oct. 9, 2011 @ 9:12 p.m.

Ben here I am,I thought I would fall asleep like I did yesterday don't know why I couldn't. I got up for a drink, lay down again I can not get to sleep, now I am beginning to fret. So much to get done, and how will I get it done? Sorry honey, I sort of had a habit passing everything by you. Not liking this, not sleeping I feel like oh,oh,oh, get up and do something. I know what needs to be done, but I am having a time here getting this little bit done. For now I will say I miss you so much...but can not get my note done.....Love you BIL LIE

Oct. 8, 2011

Ben I am sick been in bed most all day. My first night alone. I did eat a few bites peanut butter and a few bites og cottage cheese...proteins you know. I am hanging in here. Love you much and much.

Oct. 7, 2011

Ben, hi again just want to say I love you!!!! I am still at Lisa's, but need to head home. Oh, but you would be growling at me. I will be careful, promise. How long does it hurt? The same old question. Don't know, but I do know time is a healer. I love you and miss you......BIL LIE

Oct. 6, 2011 @ 8:35 p.m.

It's so hard, it should get easier, but when? I still can hear your BIL LIE, when you needed something. Ben My Ben I love you.

Oct. 6, 2011 @ 8:31 p.m.

Ben I drove out to Lisa's and Harold's, remember how I would put my hand over on your leg when I was driving? I reached over to touch you, guess what? You were not there, it's going to be hard driving but I remember, as you would say "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I love you

Oct. 5, 2011

Honey we just got home from church and pizza. I'm thinking about a few weeks ago when you ate 4 slices......woohoo.... The car is fine, we had to take it for a once over, you know Tot. Guess what? T.C. works there, where we took the car. He remembered me, he did alot of good things for us and Hamp. Both T.C. and Dale helped us out several times. Anyway, Honey, he says the only thing better would have to be a brand new car. I am encouraged. I miss you so much...will the hurt ever go away? I love you. Bi l l ie

Oct. 4, 2011

Ben, Lisa had to finally go back to work, Debbie came back she is here with me now. We made our trip to cemetery, ate dinner, now I'm writing you. I'll see dr. tomorrow about toes. Honey, I miss you so much, we would have made it someway, with God's help, when I start thinking this way I can still hear you saying "Come on Jesus, I am ready I'm tired" then I have to know HE answered your prayer, and came for you. How I"ll make it alone, don't know. There will be a way. Love you, miss you.

Oct. 3, 2011

Well honey another day, it's been one week now since we laid you to rest. Have I rested? think of you too much, Lisa got med for me from Dr. Dumas, yes I have been taking it, surprised? By the way Dr. Dumas called me Thurs or Fri to ask how I am doing, thought that was nice of him. OUR children wanted me to take the med so I'm wanting them not to worry about their mom, especially since they just laid you to rest. I'm making it moment by moment.I'll always love you and I miss you so very much.......oh, Tot bought me a small car(Honda)today. Just thought I'd let you know.

Oct. 2, 2011 @ 8:38 p.m.

Ben another day has come and now about gone, I will try to get in bed before 1pm tonight. I know what you'd say about me being up so late. I miss you, Honey the past 2 or 3 weeks were so hard for you andd for me, but I never thought about you really being sick. You were always such a strong person, but you endured so much, only you,me, and God knew just exactly how much you did endure. I'll love you forever, and cherish our years together so much.

Oct. 2, 2011 @ 12:18 a.m.

Another day has passed since you left me Ben Miller. I still am wondering how will I make it without my Ben? God knows. I can't help feeling a little scared when I find myself totally alone. Then I want to yell at you for leaving me, yet I still feel so much love for you, that I would only hold you close and remember hearing you asking Jesus to come and telling HIM "I am so tired" Honey I'll try to be as brave as you believed me to be, yet I needed you so much. I love you.

Oct. 1, 2011

Ben, my heart, the girls(Lisa&Debbie)today and last night with Donnie's and Ashley's help has made changes in our house. Not taking you out but trying to make it so I can live here, couldn't leave it all the same as before you left me. If you could see it you would like it. Lisa said he does see it mom, I love you, am thanking God for the years, months, and days we had. I lost a day somewhere, so it really had been 60 yrs,9mos, and 13 days. I somehow didn't go into 9/23, for days. love you.